|
|
Post by The Cobra Viper on Oct 12, 2010 19:19:37 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by Kurt Noble on Oct 13, 2010 20:13:11 GMT -5
I hope you, and the rest of the roster, are alright with me reviewing your work. I'm a relative newcomer here, so if my feedback seems out of left field, just let me know.
Anyway, onto my feedback...
Noble Feedback
You visualize scenes very well, even from the beginning, which is incredibly important when trying to form a mental image of the RP.
Here's a big thing I'm seeing in the beginning, and forgive me if you correct this later: You switch tenses. You start off the RP speaking in the "present" (The engine of the Harley Davidson Rocker C dies as the keys are turned...) to the "past" (Once inside the building Roy walked...). When you switch tenses, it's difficult for an RP to develop a proper tone. Just becomes a bit harder to read, you know?
You've got some slight problems in quoting inner thoughts. Sometimes, it's its own sentence, sometimes it's followed by "she thought to herself" or something along those lines. From a literary standpoint, the second is a more precise way to display inner thoughts. Just a thought (get it...? No...? Okay).
There's a good air of mysticism regarding Roy from this RP. I think you develop the third person narrator really well, which obviously gives a good insight to Roy's psyche.
You have some really, really long sentences sometimes, and a few run ons (The wall on the left, from Roy’s view, contained two bookshelves...). The long sentences aren't really a bad thing, but it sometimes feels like I'm reading a bit too much for one sentence. Trim down sentences a bit, and even if it isn't physically shorter, it feels shorter, meaning there's less of a drag feeling as a paragraph goes along.
Unless you're intentially going for a more ambigous train of thought, name your characters in the future. You call thie guy the "CEO," which makes him seem less of a person, really. Even something like Mr. Washington or something helps add a personal touch.
I like the comparison of wrestling to a business. I think it adds a bit of realism that a lot of RPs don't have. Props to you!
Overall, I thought it was a pretty decent introduction RP. You showed us a bit of your character, gave a motive, and added a bit of mystery to his situation. For the future, just be sure to clean up some grammar and structural layers, which will help the flow while reading it. Essentially, if it sounds strange when you say it, it'll sound strange to read it. But other than that, pretty solid job. Keep up the good work!
|
|
|
|
Post by The Cobra Viper on Oct 14, 2010 8:24:15 GMT -5
Thank you Kurt I'm more than fine with you reviewing my work. But I would like to clear one thing that I must have skipped over. Mr. Kennedy is the CEO they aren't separate characters. Thank you for the advise I'll do my best to incorporate it in my future writings.
|
|
|
|
Post by The Cobra Viper on Oct 18, 2010 14:32:31 GMT -5
Hoping not to get slaughtered on my debut at Prestige so please help me survive by reviewing.
|
|
Skye
Prospect
EUW In-Ring Announcer[/color]
The cake is NOT a lie!
Posts: 578
|
Post by Skye on Oct 18, 2010 15:18:06 GMT -5
I see what you meant about the tenses, but imo it sort of looked like forgotten editing.  I do it a lot when I am writing (gone back and forth in tenses as I write, I mean), so I ask a friend look over my first drafts most of the time. That being said, the only other comments I will make are - please don't use red lettering for your main color. It's hard on most people's eyes against the black. The other, bit more minor comments are; check your spelling, and maybe when you are writing dialogue, think about where a person would pause and use commas or ellipses, it kind of read like a run on sentence. I like the storyline so far, I'm looking forward to seeing more (in a different color - maybe pink?  hehe ). Throwing Kirk off with the "what do you need" thing... cool. (I know Toby... but he asked!) |
|
|
|
Post by The Sky King on Oct 18, 2010 17:29:29 GMT -5
Alright, you want it? You got it.
General Point
- It won't affect the content of your RP, but the colours, they burn! Putting it in all red is harsh on the ol; eyeballs. I love that your using different colours for different speakers, but when it's coated in red it makes it harsher to read.
Onto the real deal, anyway. Sorry if I seem harsh or nitpicky, but I find it to be the best way of reviewing RPs since you're given lots of areas to focus and improve on rather than a broad "Good RP, but do this shit." review.
- The style of seeing the thoughts in the different characters heads was an interesting angle to see. I assume thats what was in italics? I liked it, but it would be better for character development purposes if you did it for Roy and Roy only. It's a shame it only made it in for one line in the 2nd RP, it was a great edge!
- Moar bread! The RP was great in terms of character interaction, but the substance and style lacked slightly. It's not the biggest thing, but you had all meat, little bread. It gives the RP an extra dimension if you explain how characters react to their surroundings, to the situation..hell, even noting down a characters facial expression makes them more human. I felt that Viper was just another guy in the federation rather than a unique character.
- To advance on the latter point, Viper NEEDS character development. Like I said, it felt like he was just another random guy in the federation..He needs an edge, a gimmick. At the end of RP 2, you had him chat to a woman, and you wondered how she knew your characters past...Perhaps capitalize on that? That is a perfect beginning for another RP which fleshes out the character. Trust me, developing the character is one of the most important things you need to do. Also, give the character EMOTION. One thing I noticed is that the writing didn't give much emotion to Roy: He seemed almost stoic. It's not crucial for a winning RP, but it gives the character an extra dimension that is always great to focus on.
- Also, just something to note, and not a opinion on your RPs: In your Prestige RP/s, don't forget match relevance. This is one of the big offenders, in my honest opinions, that a few fedders here suffer from. Get your RP brimming with Roy preparing for his match, thoughts on his opponents etc;and I can guarantee you'll be on the road to success.
Also, I don't do this for everyone, but if you really need someone to read your RPs and give an opinion before you post them, PM me. You've got a lot of potential, and I can see it unlocking soon. It just needs a kickstart to the engine.
|
|
|
|
Post by The Cobra Viper on Oct 25, 2010 9:08:28 GMT -5
|
|
CJ
Prospect
Booze Head
Posts: 295 
|
Post by CJ on Oct 26, 2010 15:43:31 GMT -5
You are improving quickly man. This week's work was right on! There is a HUGE difference in your last show's roleplay and this one. I mean HUGE. Way to bring the heat there! Keep em coming just like that and the sky is the limit for you.
Sorry, I give shit reviews. I had to at least say something. Keep it up, man.
|
|
|
|
Post by Kurt Noble on Oct 26, 2010 20:11:29 GMT -5
Hey Cobra. Being that I've given you a more detailed review recently, this one will be slightly shorter. Just got a lot on the old agenda tonight, ha,
Noble Feedback
You've definitely improved the sentence structure problems. I'm glad you did, as the work is now easier to read. There's still some slight grammar mistakes, but Hell, don't we all make mistakes?
One thing you can do to help differentiate speakers: When someone else starts talking, make a new paragraph. I know you don't rely on color for things other than internal thoughts, so sometimes, it's easy to get lost in the jumble of sentences in a paragraph. Maybe just work on breaking up slightly larger paragraphs for the future.
While the watching footage thing is common, you're very analytical about it...and thank you for not simply reposting the actual match or something like that. It's a pet peeve of mine.
I like the casual humor about Scorpion's viciousness.
I liked the whole "control" aspect with your manager. It was done really well, and the obvious inner thoughts helped it progress.
Holy Hell that's a hard to read blue, ha.
Honestly...this is much, much better than that RP I reviewed a little while back. It's got recongizeable character development, strong amounts of match relevance, and tells a decent little story. I think yo could have trimmed it down a little bit, but that's just a thought, not actual criticism. You are developing nicely bud. Be sure to keep it up!
|
|
|
|
Post by The Sky King on Oct 30, 2010 17:26:43 GMT -5
Can't forget Cobra on my rounds of RP critique!
1) To echo Noble: This RP is a vast improvement from your last one. It flows much better, and reads just as well. It has a better structure to it now.
2) The characters are developing nice: Nice to see some of Cobras past in there with some flashback to his matches in Japan, he's got a good, casual attitude going for a superstar, and it's nice to see Saras viciousness and controlling aspects are coming through. It doesn't seem like it on the surface, but these two clashes of personalities will do great when it comes to further developing the characters. I'd like to see more of Vipers past wrestling in Japan come into play if possible, I feel it could really help develop him.
3) Needs some way to differentiate the speech. A bit hypocritical coming from me, I know, since i've only just started color-coding, but it makes it much easier to read. If not color-coding, spacing them out and putting them in different paragraphs helps.
4) Some grammar mistakes in there. Not really something to focus on heavily improving, but it's always nice to fix them up just to give your RP that extra 'oomph' to the judges.
This is much, much better than your last RP, and the improvements already becoming visible. Great work!
|
|
|
|
Post by The Cobra Viper on Nov 11, 2010 17:06:24 GMT -5
|
|
James
Veteran
The EUW's Resident Superhero!
Posts: 917
|
Post by James on Nov 11, 2010 21:26:58 GMT -5
I don't like giving feedback as staff ... especially during the week with the RP period still going.
The one thing though is the spacing of your paragraphs. Leave a blank line in to separate them, it'll appear more 'polished' that way.
|
|
|
|
Post by The Cobra Viper on Nov 11, 2010 21:32:48 GMT -5
Well thank you. I'll keep that in mind for the future.
|
|
|
|
Post by The Cobra Viper on Nov 28, 2010 19:44:27 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by The Cobra Viper on Dec 6, 2010 3:29:47 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by irobin on Dec 6, 2010 4:43:05 GMT -5
Well, I've read the latest RP and it's alright. You say you did it without a proof reader, and whilst I don't know how much help your proof normally gives, there weren't many spelling/grammar mistakes which is usually the basic task for a proof and probably constitutes nitpicking on my part.
Whilst I know some people look down on colour-coding, it's clear from my own work that I have no problem with it. However, one thing that does bug me is your internal dialogue between Roy and his Sensei being jumbled altogether in the same paragraph, only truly identified by its colour. It may all be going on as voices in Roy's head, but each speaker should begin on a new line.
"Blah" said Roy.
"Blah" said his Sensei.
"BLAH?" Exclaimed Roy.
And so on. Being in one mind doesn't negate having two speakers, and the way that you use the colour code all mixed up in a paragraph like that makes it feel awkward to read.
Other than that, it seems like a solid RP to me. You've got a development of the Roy and Sara thing, then a bit of the history between Roy and Jackal, which, as someone that knows very little about either, I liked. I wouldn't have known that the two teamed up in Japan without it. You brought the rest of the triple threat into it and having Sara seduce(?) the other talent spotter into giving up Tenfold's details is certainly one way of finding out about your opponents. Jace's file is mostly full of modelling shots that might distract Sara too long if she took a peek.
Then, the card from Chad Kennedy brings in some interest. What does Chad want? Is he recruiting? After all, Roy got attacked by the Empire last week, although clearly not to the extent that Warrior or CJ were attacked. What's going on there? Mystery and intrigue.
Anyway, those are my thoughts. As the new guy here, I could be chatting utter rubbish, so feel free to take what you want as advice and disregard the rest.
|
|
|
|
Post by The Cobra Viper on Dec 6, 2010 10:33:23 GMT -5
Well thank you. any feedback is appreciated good or bad.
|
|
|
|
Post by The Cobra Viper on Dec 24, 2010 10:08:43 GMT -5
|
|
F1
Veteran
Got Girl Problems? F1!
Posts: 985
|
Post by F1 on Dec 24, 2010 13:59:53 GMT -5
It was a very good read. Great flow with all the moving parts involved. Focus on your match, character, and game plan are great but there wasn't much there about Eddie. Clearly that'll be the case and point for the second part. In general, I feel you can improve by breaking up the walls of texts so it looks well thoughtout and not just a run on or rambling. Although you didn't really do either.
I would just break up the walls to make it cleaner. It's not a bad thing, I heard this plenty of times when I first started. As for the ending and the focus being drawn to your opponent. It was quite abrupt and ended without notice really. But this could be possible foresight on the next rp to come, I would suggest a much smoother transition but maybe this will work out with what you have planned.
Other than that, I like the picture you painted of the mountains and the teachings Roy has undergone. I'll be reading the second part as well when it comes out to see how the story progress' and develops, as well as to see if you make any corrections aesthetically. I like the style you've chosen. This might be biased because it's similar in some ways to how I've been writing, but I like that style and keep up the good work.
|
|
|
|
Post by The Cobra Viper on Jan 6, 2011 10:40:44 GMT -5
|
|
CJ
Prospect
Booze Head
Posts: 295
|
Post by CJ on Jan 6, 2011 17:54:47 GMT -5
I am a simple man and like to think simple. To be honest, I found nothing really wrong with your rp. I could feel that you were really letting it all hang out there this time around, and that is good. Your use of dialog has been much better and the stories are actually pretty damn interesting.
I don't pay no mind to spelling or sentence placement as long as I can read it alright. So, I just say this. You done good, kid!
|
|
I do it a lot when I am writing (gone back and forth in tenses as I write, I mean), so I ask a friend look over my first drafts most of the time.
hehe ). Throwing Kirk off with the "what do you need" thing... cool.
