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Post by The Cobra Viper on Apr 15, 2011 23:20:19 GMT -5
euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=rpsnv&thread=5855Okay So i know this isn't my best work But life, stress, and writers block kept me from writing until about thirty minutes ago. I know it's not great but i'd still like feedback to see if a) i even have a chance this week. and b) do i stand a chance against Warrior in the sadbag bowl
Thank you. And i'm sorry for the late post and everything.
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Apr 15, 2011 23:28:26 GMT -5
I've got a paragraph and one line done on my Fusion roleplay. I remain Sandbag Bowl Champ.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Apr 15, 2011 23:32:13 GMT -5
I mean the quality for the time aspect considering i did almost all of this in an hour before i posted it. I know i'll always post before you. That's never the question. Unless you want to put that championship on the line.
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Post by The Sky King on Apr 16, 2011 7:16:41 GMT -5
This was written quickly? Well, I hope you get enough time next week, because this one seemed well-enough written. Dialogue wise? Typical Viper style, which means that it flowed well and the characters were well versed with eachother.
However, I did notice a few flaws: 1) GrammA[/color]rs lacking. Not important by a long shot, but a few commas here and there makes it easier to read. 2) The blocks/formatting. I know this is your usual style, but sometimes it makes it difficult to read and difficult to understand just who is talking to who. It also makes the thing seem..rough around the edges. Now, that really is just nitpicking, but it's nice if I can read a piece that flows as well as the dialogue you write. 3) The opening segment. I don't know if it was because you were rushed (I expect it was) but it didn't really seem to contribute anything to the RP (Maybe a few lines from Roy regretting his loss), it seemed pretty off.
That's the only three I can pick out. Aside from that it's pretty good, especially (as I said) for a rushed RP. Decent enough length, good match relevance, your dialogue and the relationships between the characters in your RP is your strongest point.
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I figured that, seeming as how I'm doing this, I may as well rate your PPV RP (It's late feedback, but better late than never) Despite a loss, it was still a high-caliber RP. Most importantly: It FELT and READ like PPV standard, and it helped to develop the character well. Really well.
It was easily your best RP to date, because you took everything to account: Match relevance, character development and the story of it all. It was a well written piece, and read very well to, it was an incredibly interesting piece.
I hope that the piece you put out for Back2Roots becomes a common RP for you somewhere down the road, because if you took the time and effort to crank that out every show, you could jettison up the ranks. But for now? It was a well-written piece that I personally enjoyed reading.
Great job on it.
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Post by irobin on Apr 16, 2011 9:08:18 GMT -5
Roy, this roleplay was a great read from you; it had match relevance, character development and an exploding lawnmower. The two key aspects of any roleplay and an exploding lawnmower. It was well-written and a solid piece of work that did a fine job of keeping on a par with your effort for B2R. It deals with Roy, his own problems with Sara and physical fitness and the upcoming match with Damaged Goods. I liked seeing the way that, despite his short time in the EUW, Roy is already feeling the itch for gold and it burns in the back of his mind that even when he does a good job, it isn’t always good enough. He’s now back to teaming with Jackal, in an environment where they previously found more success than in their recent singles careers.
I do sometimes have to remind myself that the colours are for thoughts, because when I read through and Roy began talking to Jackal and company, I wondered if you had been rushing and dropped the coding. I’m not sure how to get around this, but it is something that always hits me with your roleplays for a moment or two until I remember what you’re doing. Some small grammar issues as Luck mentioned, but this may be down to you having to rush a bit. It’s nothing huge, but these are the little touches and an extra fifteen minutes or so is all it takes to tidy them up.
It’s a good roleplay and, coupled with your B2R piece, it shows the way that Roy is changing and maturing as a wrestler. He isn’t just content to turn up and fight, he wants more out of it than just a win, or a spot on the highlight reel. It’s good to see the drive coming through, because that’s the sort of thing that should push you on in future. I really can’t find much wrong with this roleplay, it’s a good standard from you and I hope you keep it up in future.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Apr 16, 2011 14:53:03 GMT -5
Thank you guys. It's good to see that even when my mind refuses to work and i can't write to save my life i can still make chicken salad out of chicken shit. I wish i had had the inspiration and time to actually put one together that i approved but I'll settle for just showing up and not no showing.
Feedback is still welcome and i thank you in advance
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Apr 21, 2011 13:23:59 GMT -5
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Apr 22, 2011 12:36:01 GMT -5
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Apr 22, 2011 14:12:19 GMT -5
Warrior actually read my rp. Holy shit it is the end. Lol thanks man.
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Post by Mr. C on Apr 26, 2011 3:28:21 GMT -5
Really emotional piece, I could feel the anger that Roy feels for all of his ups and downs here. The training was put in well to divide up the RP. I would have lost interest if it was one long rant, but it had good flow, good transitions at the right moments. The characters are fun, I like the dynamic of the team. Great RP this week, friend.
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Post by The Sky King on Apr 26, 2011 8:00:53 GMT -5
Hooo boy, you could feel the emotion in this one, as Tommeh said. Obviously, that takes your RP to better levels as it involves something more than a simple "OH YA MY OPPONENT SUCKS" and gives it that extra edge. Dialogue wise? Top-notch once again, although have come to expect that from you. The training breaks up the rant..I personally wouldn't have minded a long-winded rant, but the training divides it up well.
I loved this piece. I could feel the emotion, and plus it sets Roy out as a determined person, someone who will overcome his losses as soon as he can. You developed the character, set him out to be determined, but you did it with an interesting RP. I like emotional RPs, as you can tell that more got put into it than trash-talk (As I said earlier) plus it makes for..well, a more interesting read.
Definitely another good roleplay. Keep it up!
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Apr 26, 2011 14:11:23 GMT -5
I thank you both for the feedback. It's good to know i can write Roy and have him expand off the text. Though Anger was the main motive for him i tried to lighten it up here and there with other things but i'm glad you both enjoyed it.
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Post by irobin on Apr 30, 2011 4:16:41 GMT -5
This is a good roleplay. You seem to be getting more and more natural with writing Roy, I don’t know if this is because he’s changing slightly to better reflect you, or if it’s just that you’ve been writing him for a few months and you’re finding your spot, but your recent roleplays have all been very good and this one is no different. I could really feel Roy’s frustration and I could completely understand it, too. Whilst Roy’s had opportunities, he’s been left to sit in the back whilst other people around him seem to be moving on, even though they started at the same time. It’s great to see those frustrations coming through in Roy’s thoughts and actions; it gives this roleplay some real emotion. Roy doesn’t care about Bane; in fact, he seems to think that Bane is beneath him, so now he’ll make an example of him. Roy has ideas and goals, but he isn’t having too much luck with getting to them just yet so he needs to get working. It’s a good piece, although you’re still making some small grammatical mistakes and typos. I get the impression that you write a lot of one-shot pieces, which is by no means a problem, but do take a few minutes to just read back through and spot the mistakes. They’re by no means big enough to count against you in most situations, but if you could tidy those up, it really would give the whole thing a real shine. It’s a little bit of polishing that, whilst it won’t affect the content at all, it does make the whole thing feel a lot more professional. However, don’t let my constant grammar narking get in the way, this was a good piece and I liked it. I like the direction that Roy is taking and the mention of him and Sara finally becoming a proper couple is interesting, I’ll wait and see where you go with that. It could easily become a help for you in future… Just keep her away from Warrior, yeah?
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Jun 9, 2011 2:34:09 GMT -5
euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=ppvrp&thread=6188First off i'm not sure if certain things will carry over after the ppv i tried a different approach that i usually do with Roy and it's not my best or longest piece but i sure as hell had fun writing it and think of possible futures due to it. So please feel free to rip it apart or express your thoughts of it
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Post by Mr. C on Jun 9, 2011 18:22:02 GMT -5
Viper's approach to the match, his motivations, and his game plan made for a very interesting read. It was powerful in the sense that it developed a new path for Viper to walk down, and it's impossible to know really how and why he got there, and where he will go from here. The strength this time around was less in how the RP was done, and what the RP was - which I am not saying as a bad thing. We've found you can write really emotional pieces before, and we've seen you can develop an engaging story for your characters. My hope is that soon, the two will come together. And this RP? It's a step in the right direction, pal.
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Post by irobin on Jun 11, 2011 9:20:16 GMT -5
It’s not a bad piece by any means, Roy, but I know you have produced better in the past. I think this is likely down to a combination of having a break from writing and the way that you seem to be changing Roy’s focus and character. It will always knock things back a bit and takes some time to get into.
That said, I do wonder about it, because Roy’s been out of action for a few shows, which means that his B2R escapades aren’t really so long ago. Chopping and changing like this may well be symbolic of how messed up Roy’s head is, but it casts questions on his story in terms of consistency and motivation. I think that to really push Roy along, you need to pick a focus, whether that be hurting people and going for the HardKore title, or wrestling for Ireland and looking to the Pure title or whatever other direction you fancy. To keep swapping like this may harm the character because the writing will change each time, but if Roy is going to be, say, the extreme fighter, then writing like that each show will get you more and more into writing like that and it well help to both develop Roy further, and your own abilities as a character writer.
As for the rest of it, the roleplay was fine. No major issues with grammar or any of that, which you seem to have gotten down, it was just a feeling of annoyance that Roy was jumping around like this, when you would be helping yourself by picking a direction and charging off down it at full speed instead.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Jun 17, 2011 14:17:52 GMT -5
euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=rpsnv&thread=6269 Okay this is part one. I'm still waiting on a few people so it might change but only slightly. Mainly I don't want to sit on this while i write part two. So i'm sorry to Obi and Boss if i have to do minor tweaking.
That said this one and the next are two separate ideas and most likely will not make reference to each other. Feel free to tear it apart and leave feed back the second will focus more on the match but i felt this was needed after the ppv
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Jun 24, 2011 2:11:54 GMT -5
euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=rpsnv&thread=6284 Okay this is part two. it's not my best work but i've had a lot to deal with and honestly didn't think i'd be stable enough to write this. So now you have the set for the June 26th SNV. Please leave feedback.
Boss, Luck. Thanks for understanding. and hell i ended up getting it out anyway.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Jul 8, 2011 19:22:58 GMT -5
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Jul 22, 2011 19:59:48 GMT -5
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Post by The Sky King on Jul 25, 2011 8:00:12 GMT -5
- You're developing this angle quite well. The one thing i'm hesitant about, however, is that you're introducing seven characters, and seven characters are difficult to build up. I think you might want to focus on one or two members of the Seven Sins of Ireland and build them up first. You want to give them personalities, detail their role, give them something unique to them, because if you do that then your RP becomes a lot more interesting with all these personalities jostling about.
- Interesting to see Roys attitude towards Rivera, and that he's actually using him for his own game. "Who's the puppet and who's the puppeteer?" sort of thing going on. I liked that. It gives an edge to Roys character.
- Seeing Roy not trust Warrior also gives another edge to the character: Shows he doesn't really trust anyone outside of the Seven Sins of Ireland. Certainly gives the character an interesting, almost sort-of maverick personality when it comes to the federation, like Roys a sort of mercenary in the bigger picture of the federation.
- "out shine the two other raising stars of the Asylum and the flickering one of, the now dead, EUW" - Loved that line. Your epilogues always do well in summing up the basis of Roys mind, and sometimes I wish you'd extend them because it's one of the places where your RP shines. That line held significance for me because it shows that not only is Roy wanting to outshine his own partner and holds him in blatant disregard, but it also shows just how important the name-change could be for a guy like Viper.
- A few grammatical errors here and there. As I said with Bane, though, it's nothing to really worry about.
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