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Post by irobin on Jan 6, 2011 18:09:04 GMT -5
I wanted to wait until both parts were up before giving feedback. I figure that if it's a two-part RP, it should be assessed as a whole, rather than as two parts.
All in all, it's a decent roleplay. Certainly reads like Roy is taking this match seriously and doing some real training for it, even with watching old matches to take note. As ever, your description of scenes and settings is usually your best attribute as roleplayer, this is certainly something you do well, so make sure you keep that up. As for the content, it's good to see Roy getting interested in wrestling now. This isn't just what Roy does, it's what he wants to do and he wants to win. Good to see that transition.
I'm also glad to see that you've taken on board previous advice about putting each new speaker (even if they're both in Roy's head) on a new line. It makes the whole thing read a lot smoother. That said, I do struggle a little sometimes with whether or not it's Roy speaking, or Roy thinking. Your coding is usually good, but you do make typos and small errors, so on occasion I get to thinking that you've missed off a colour for a thought and have to re-read the section to work out whether it's said or thought.
The main thing I would suggest is still a bit of polishing. There are still a few mistakes and typos that re-reading before posting should remove. Then it's just keeping your paragraphs to a sensible length. Part two was much better at this than part one, but do keep it in mind. Walls of text aren't good. This sort of stuff is small, and generally doesn't take long to do, but it adds a level of finish to the RP that should help with reading. The best roleplays are easy to read, so anything that makes an RP easier to read is always a good idea.
It's a decent set of roleplays, covers all the basics (background, development, match and opponent) and there are clear improvements. I read your last roleplay when it went up and checked the one before it, too. Each time, you're getting better, so just keep at it.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Jan 6, 2011 23:57:21 GMT -5
I thank you all for leaving comments. It helps me improve since i can only move forward if i know what works and what doesn't so that you for giving me what direction you have.
Jace I'll keep working on eliminating the demon walls of text
I hope to keep improving and look forward to hearing everyone's comments.
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Post by Kurt Noble on Jan 10, 2011 23:10:20 GMT -5
Ask, you shall receive. I'll have the two RPs separated for reviews, and then a final note at the end as to how they relate together.
Part I - Review
- What I typically find to be a resourceful technique is that if you're going to start the RP with a preface, end with a note about the development that just occurred, and what may happen in the near future. It gives RPs a nice circular feeling, and will help a short preface feel less like a note tacked on at the beginning, and more like a set-up device. (Okay, you did that at the end of Part II, so you can ignore this, ha).
- I think someone above me addressed this, but the long paragraphs are a visual turn-off. You actually have gotten better with them though. When the dream first starts, that's about the length you want a paragraph, maybe a bit longer. Paragraphs are are multiple sentences tend to be viewed as skippable. I think I've used this analogy before, but have you ever noticed how newspapers may make a paragraph one sentence, or just a few? The same idea applies to the narrative in RPs, especially in the novel style. You have a nice mix of dialog and action to keep the RP going, but it needs to be separated a bit more. A new paragraph doesn't have to just start when someone new talks. Just go through your RPs after you finish them, you if you see a wall of text that looks intimidating...it is.
-The Asian trainer is a bit stereotypical, but he's characterized well, so we can forgive you for that, ha.
- Something about the thoughts being in color, and the dialog not really confuses me. I know I've read your RPs before where it didn't confuse me, something about this RP just makes it come off that way. My advice on how to fix that would be to use color for dialog, normal text for actions, and italics for inner thoughts. That's just a personal suggestion though.
- The dialog is pretty solid, and I can tell you've improved on it since you started here. It flows pretty well, and is mixed with a nice bit of actions to accompany it. However, my main problem with Part I...is that it's a dream. If you look at RPs in a tangible sense, you might be hurt if your opponent has a more realistic RP. Dreams are hard to actually "see" is the point I'm trying to make. For Part I, you've got a solid set-up, good dialog, supporting actions, and a decent story to tell. Minus the dream aspect, I feel like this RP was just hurt by technical aspects. Just a bit of polish here, clarification there, and some spacing in places, you'd be set. The content is good...delivery just needs a bit of fine-tunning.
Now on to Part II!
Part II - Review
I like that this RP started with the conclusions of the last one. Multiple RPs should continue a story, and that's what this did. Good job on that one.
- You like...already fixed the spacing, ha. THAT is what it needs to look like.
- I like the strategist elements, and they're really a good angle to play off of since this is is supposed to be wrestling. You did a good job also incorporating your opponents effectively into that idea.
- I don't really have much feedback for Part II because you fixed most of the major technical issues, and had a more tangible, match driven RP, opposed to Part I. So there's not much here on that, ha.
Overall, you have improved. Your dialog is stronger, characters are a bit more fleshed out, and a clear story is told. As I think others said, your biggest thing is just that it needs polish. If you reread your RP, say certain sentences aloud. Make sure it sounds like it makes sense, and if it sounds odd saying it, it probably is. I would also advise reading a big paragraph, and seeing if you start to feel tired saying it aloud. If you do, split it up into smaller ones like you did for your second RP.
Good job bud, and I hope this helps!
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Jan 18, 2011 12:54:07 GMT -5
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Post by The Sky King on Jan 18, 2011 20:23:58 GMT -5
- A few grammatical errors here and there. Nothing that dramatically impacts on the RP. - Layout wise, it's good and easy to read. Love having an RP that's easy to read. - Your penchant for writing flowing dialogue is strengthening your RPs week by week. The final half of your RP, the dialogue between Tai and Roy in Roys own mind, was a good read and it was all focused on the match, not "Hey Tai, hows the weather over there?". Thoroughly enjoyed it. The dialogue between Roy and Sara is still doing well. I admire how you manage to balance all three people you are writing, instead of having one dominate and say more than another. - I enjoy how you focus on the matches. It's a personal weakness for some e-fedders (Myself included) and it gives the RP strength, as well as developing Roy as a solid competitor. Well done.
No real complaints here. I want it to be longer, because I enjoy reading it and seeing Roys focus on the match, as well as the viewpoints of the match ahead , but that's a personal preference and not something you should be going "Must do that!" Your RPs are getting better each week, and if you keep this up? The road to the top will be at your feet before you know it.
Excellent work!
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Jan 18, 2011 21:34:59 GMT -5
To be completely honest Luck i didn't want to stop but I don't like writing two day in the story at a time I find I'll end up repeating myself too much. However if I get inspired again i may end up with a second one. It all up to whether my muse decides to favor me. Tis why I love feedback I never know when I'm gonna get inspired so any help actually sparks the inspiration.
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Post by irobin on Jan 19, 2011 4:26:25 GMT -5
Another roleplay, another helping of amazing feedback.
Good, solid roleplay. As Luck pointed out, your dialogue is clearly your strength, the interaction between Roy and his mentor in his head is always good. It's the inner voice that can listen (and respond) to the doubts and worries that Roy can't share with Sara for whatever reason. Comes through all the more each week and it's interesting to see the mix here. On the one hand, Roy has already beaten Eddie Laurel and he's confident of making it two from two, but he seems to be somewhat afraid of the Scorpion, having lost to him when he was just starting out in the EUW. That's the kind of stuff that would haunt a guy so it's nice to see it being brought up again, even though it's not a feud (yet?) and really, it's just two different matches.
Great to see no walls of text at all. Excellent stuff. A few typos and grammatical errors (rebuttal is a noun, you want the verb - to rebut - so it would be "Tai rebuts" etc.) and some little colouring issues, but nothing serious and probably stuff most people would glaze over. I'm just a bit of a grammar dick. When it suits me.
No shortage of match focus here, Roy's all about his next opponent(s) and his next match, his attention rarely wavers!
Each roleplay of yours gets better. The basics are all there and lined up now, the way forwards might be to work on roleplays that are a little longer, but if you're not comfortable with that (and you think a longer roleplay would be bad for you due to repetition) then don't do it. Stick to what feels comfortable to you and you'll get there in time.
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Post by Obi on Jan 19, 2011 12:13:48 GMT -5
I agree with what has been said, Roy. You really are coming along nicely. Keep it up!
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Feb 1, 2011 10:34:20 GMT -5
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Shawn Ashen
Fresh Meat
All it takes to make your dreams come true is money and power
Posts: 30
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Post by Shawn Ashen on Feb 4, 2011 14:34:15 GMT -5
You were nice enough to feedback my work, so I will return the favor to you. Hopefully being new doesn't alter my perception or anything.
I like the more heelish edge you've given the character. The only thing I didn't like was it seemed like Roy was worried too much about Sara. He's coming off as this badass, ready to beat people up type of guy yet we constantly hear about his woman. It's just seemed kind of...off to me.
Also, the writing is good, but the color coding in the middle just vanished. All the white text made it hard to tell what was what.
I like how he's showing the rough edges as a result of teaming with Jackal, but I still think your character works best as the young guy with a chip on his shoulder wanting to prove himself. You can be badass and not a prick, which is kind of how Roy comes off in this rp.
Good focus though on everything else. The only thing was why no mention of Brett Cross? Isn't he your opponent too?
Other than those relatively minor gripes, well done. 8/10.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Feb 4, 2011 15:46:57 GMT -5
Cross isn't my opponent this week though i think i could have had a good showing against him this time.
The coding is only for inner thought. I've debated whether or not to do more but then again I never had rants in conversation just back and forth with Roy and Tai.
As for the Sara thing well that's my own twist cause of a storyline with the characters I'm trying to move along and the rough edges, are help with jackal, but were mainly there to show how truly young and tunneled visioned Roy is.
Thanks for the feed back and i hope this helps smooth things over. I will say I'm glad you like the character
As for you being new i still consider myself new i just joined back in November so I feel, as a writer, I'm still a rookie. But i have to write Roy differently because of his character
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Shawn Ashen
Fresh Meat
All it takes to make your dreams come true is money and power
Posts: 30
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Post by Shawn Ashen on Feb 4, 2011 16:03:45 GMT -5
Yeah I'm sorry about that. For some reason I thought it was you and Jackal against Sabora and Cross. My mistake on that one.
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F1
Veteran
Got Girl Problems? F1!
Posts: 985
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Post by F1 on Feb 5, 2011 5:00:59 GMT -5
Pretty good there Roy. I liked the internal conflict because it shows there might be more to Roy than what most people envision. The fact that he has deep thought but has yet to truely utilize that in ring shows that he's slowly warming up to the game. He uses the deep thought for nothing more than to deal pain at this point but I believe this may be a build up.
To include Jackal was a great idea and he truely complimented you and displayed the actions of being your partner and friend with his actions. Overall, it seems like you're building up for something to come and your focus on your match and conflicts were fairly well balanced. Some misspellings and it did kind of seem like the color code disappeared. It seemed like the same type of conversation style taking place, yet without color halfway through. Although it didn't really bother me too much, I would just say that if you're going to use colors, than it has to be aesthetically perfect. Other than that, it ooks to be another solid display of what Roy has to offer.
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Post by irobin on Feb 6, 2011 6:07:11 GMT -5
Another good roleplay, you're coming along well and getting more into it each time. To the best of my memory, this is your single-longest roleplay so far and whilst length isn't everything, the important part of a longer roleplay is to make sure it keeps going. If you start talking mindless bollocks or repeating yourself, it gets dull. That didn't happen, largely because of the amount of stuff going on with Roy at the moment. Asides from having to deal with Tai all the time, he's now back in a team with an old ally where they're looking for gold. He's then struggling with the EUW/Empire split, trying to stay neutral for whatever his reason and then there's some problem with Sara, too.
He's psyched up for something, but it's the same mindset that says he's as likely to beat seven shades out of his opponents as he is to get himself disqualified, too. The inclusion of Jackal was good, important too, as teams need to show this kind of relationship to get taken seriously as a real team, rather than just being two wrestlers allied together for no real reason.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Feb 22, 2011 20:39:57 GMT -5
Okay so this one is my longest by far and I loved writing it. Once it finally started flowing that is. Sorry for the length 9 people i had to address
just to clarify i only color code inner thought. Conversation is not colored because i believe i explain who says what enough that i don't need the coding.
Also. Roy is a character his thoughts do not reflect mine. If he insults you it is not meant to offend. The Rp is all in character so remember that when reading.
Well enjoy. I'm setting up a feud and show more sides of Roy in this one
euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=rpsnv&action=display&thread=5525
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Feb 23, 2011 16:22:48 GMT -5
I was a big fan of this one Roy. I actually think the greater length was a benefit rather than a detriment, as it allowed Roy to give a more in-depth analysis of his strategy for each individual opponent.
I also greatly enjoyed how Roy seemingly thought about the possibility of Rivera calling an audible and replacing some team members. As a result, it was wise to mention the likes of Ashen and Holly. Even though a replacement would be unlikely, it allows the reader to infer the idea that Roy is capable of planning ahead.
The interaction with Tai is very well done, as it's obviously that despite Roy's relatively short nature of late, he trusts Tai's instincts and values his opinion on strategy. I was a big fan of how Tai reminded Roy of his past with Scorpion, which as a result made Roy only more motivated to train and win.
All in all, this was some A+ quality stuff man. Some of the best I've seen from you. Pat yourself on the back man. Job well done.
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Post by irobin on Feb 23, 2011 20:32:54 GMT -5
It's a good roleplay, written at a time before Roy knows the full scope of things, with only best guesses at who will represent the Empire in this match. Roy's trying to cover all bases in his planning, showing just how much this one matters to him. He is still a rookie and this is very much a chance for him to get noticed. The roleplay seems to catch that determination not to let the side down - Kirk's put tremendous faith into him and he wants to validate his inclusion in the EUW side, which is what's spurring him on to try harder.
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F1
Veteran
Got Girl Problems? F1!
Posts: 985
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Post by F1 on Feb 25, 2011 7:41:53 GMT -5
Like has been said already, this was a great piece. It definitely depicted the drive and determination that is instilled in Roy by all his turmoil as well as Tai. The preparation covered all bases and displayed a man of intellect as well as someone who has experience. There isn't much else I can say that hasn't been said already. Job well done.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Mar 31, 2011 9:04:13 GMT -5
B2R Roleplay
euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=ppvrp&thread=5719&page=1
So i know the beginning is light on match reliance but i did what i could with the story i had planned for Roy. I hope i made up for it at the end. I know at this point it's not fully coded or typo checked. But it's Thursday and better to have the rough draft up than wait and have to code with five minutes til the dead line.
Feedback will earn you all much love cause i need it. I tried a lot of different things in this one and want to see how they came off. with that. Thank you. Enjoy
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Post by irobin on Mar 31, 2011 9:23:57 GMT -5
I'll completely ignore formatting, spelling and so on, as I read this before you got to edit it, so there's little point on hauling you across the coals for things such as these.
This feels like a PPV roleplay, Roy, which is clearly a good thing. You've come out, all guns blazing and tried to hit the ball as far out of the park as possible. The roleplay in itself started a bit slowly, but picked up as it got going and it's easily some of your best work here. You've gone back to Roy's history, letting in a heft dose of character development and, in effect, re-lit the fire within Roy. He's a more determined, more powerful force for it, because he's got the whole of Dublin behind him now and he's not just happy to settle for being a guy that wrestles in the EUW, he now wants to be the best guy in the EUW instead.
Match relevance was a little thin on the ground early on, but you did make plenty of reference to it later on. In any roleplay, a scene needs to be set and for something like this, it took more setting up than usual, so I don't see that being a major problem. There's no shortage of character development, the whole thing is about Roy going back home and rediscovering who he is and what he left behind. There's plenty of scope here for this to continue on in future weeks as Roy strives to prove not only his own worth, but the worth of the fighting Irish.
All in all, it's a good roleplay, even with the lack of formatting at this stage, which is only ever a minor detail, really. It's got all the components that make up a good roleplay and the challenge really will be to keep this going long after B2R. Good luck with that!
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Post by Obi on Mar 31, 2011 10:57:57 GMT -5
I just finished reading your RP, Roy. First let me say, good job. I really could feel how into the story that you were and there was a defined flow to it all. Very good. I am impressed.
That being said, I had to read it in two sections. It was a bit too long and while length is hardly an indicator of a good roleplay, if it feels like it is then it becomes one. Match relevance was fine and the story was interesting towards the end. You had a slow start though.
Regardless, this is a great return RP from you. Don't lose that flow.
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