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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Apr 22, 2011 11:21:14 GMT -5
Thanks Obi. I'm liking that it came off as Old School. Not something I was directly aiming for, but in a way I was. Thanks again.
Other feedback? Comments? Thoughts? Bewbies?
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Post by Mr. C on Apr 26, 2011 3:15:52 GMT -5
It was a strong evil monologue for a while, but fell through a handful of paragraphs in because it didn't seem to have much substance or emotion. It was very dry, I thought. The writing was great, and it was relevant, the i's dotted and t's crossed. But after a while, I found myself with no want to keep reading, there was no real pull to the RP, no meat. Maybe it's just me, but I need a little story sometimes otherwise I fall off the RP.It's good writing, maybe great writing, with much better match relevance than what I do, it just didn't have anything to keep me going is all. As a whole piece... well, for me it wasn't near the best Warrior stuff I've read. ?
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Apr 26, 2011 9:15:30 GMT -5
Fair enough. Not EVERYONE is going to love it. I still like hearing what everyone thinks, good or bad. Thanks Tommeh! Others? I see you lurking out there Jace. Feedback? Comments? Thoughts? Bewbies?
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Post by irobin on Apr 30, 2011 4:20:20 GMT -5
Warrior, I read your roleplay early on and had every intention of leaving feedback, I just hold on to it all until after the deadline so as no-one gets their panties in a bunch over anything. I’m glad that you’re reading roleplays; I really think it’s something that everyone should do. The ideal world answer is that everyone reads two roleplays that aren’t relevant to their match and leaves feedback, then it all goes around, but I know how it is to be busy and how easily other things can get in the way. Either way, it’s good to know you’re reading other people’s work and even better that you’re leaving some feedback, too. Keep it up, I’m sure anyone that gets feedback will appreciate it. So, without further ado, let’s get on to the business of your feedback.
Man. As one of your opponents this week (and no doubt your opponent again in future), can I ask you to go back to sandbagging instead? Not only is it weird to see you roleplay so early on, but this is easily some of the best work I have seen from you since I joined up with the EUW.
There’s no crap about daughters or other outside affairs, this is purely business and, as said, it feels like a proper heel promo. You said that you felt like you were getting “into” your heel groove, but I think you’ve definitely found it. Warrior’s coming across as a proper heel, as others said, he’s quite old school. He isn’t like a Christian Kane, where he’s an arrogant, fun heel, Warrior is a nasty piece of work. He’s formed his own team to help him reach his ends and he’s out to do what it takes. He’ll hurt women, end careers and play anyone he can if, as he said, it benefits him. Warrior has a one-track mind and it’s not leading anywhere pleasant for anyone that isn’t him.
Really, I’m impressed by this piece. Warrior’s mean, he’s serious, perhaps even sadistic and he’s got his affairs all in order to work towards his designs. All of which, as Jack pointed out, was fitted into a relatively quick read, which only makes it all the more impressive. I think this really could be your turning point. Whether it’s your current storyline, or that you have your own faction now, or maybe it’s just going back to being a heel, but this roleplay is fantastic for whatever reason it is. This has all the makings of a new beginning for a dangerous heel with serious intentions. Great work.
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Apr 30, 2011 13:42:52 GMT -5
Yay. And I get waiting, I just didn't really click to that. I guess I never thought about it because usually by the time you get a chance to read my roleplay it's past the deadline so it never was a noticeable thing. Also, I've always agreed about taking the time to do feedback and reading, I just never took the time to do so. Probably because I usually spend the week procrastinating about doing my own roleplay and then I finish mine at the deadline, throw it up, ask for feedback, then in my mind I'm done until I see results and then it's on to the next week.
Anyways, it looks like I hit the nail right on the head this week. As I've said, I felt like I hit a groove. The majority of the writing just flowed too. Hopefully I'll be able to keep it going. Thanks as always for the feedback Jace. And as a side note pretty boy, this is officially high up on my favorite feuds I've been a part of. ;D
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on May 13, 2011 20:35:31 GMT -5
I did what I usually do with Dogs of War roleplays. I make them ridiculous and write what seems like a fun idea while I'm writing. Would love to hear what anyone thought of it.
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Post by primetime on May 14, 2011 0:49:40 GMT -5
Your Dogs of War segment this week was great. I loved it's balance of character growth and match relevance. Also, the heavy theme of Sex kept my eyes reading, lol. Classic DoW here. Well done.
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on May 28, 2011 0:25:26 GMT -5
So if anyone would like to throw some feedback my way, I'd love that. I'm not at all going to have time to read or rate everyone's roleplays from this week though, so don't go out of your way to do it. Just if anyone would like to.
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Jun 3, 2011 23:07:02 GMT -5
"I am the Anger" is up. This one takes inspiration from Firewind's "I am the Anger," which the opening four lines are the final lyrics from. It's probably clear the theme I ran with. So yeah, I'd love to hear some feedback from anyone. Please and thanks. ;D
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Post by jackbull on Jun 5, 2011 15:47:58 GMT -5
No. Give a minute to take a shit, then I'll give you some FEEDZBAKS!!!
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Jun 5, 2011 16:09:15 GMT -5
Okie dokies. Tank youuu.
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Post by jackbull on Jun 5, 2011 16:17:57 GMT -5
Right. Good things;
- Warrior outlined the background of the feud, - Explained a bit about how he felt,
But...
It had that feel of being a set up RP, like this was the first and there's going to be a second. It kind of laid the groundwork ready for Warrior to go off on one, but this RP individually came across a little flat.
Combined with a second RP though, one that focuses more exclusively on Warriors plans and feelings for the match, then it has a lot of potential.
This one addressed the past, the next one needs to address the future.
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Jun 5, 2011 16:28:35 GMT -5
Then it came off exactly how I planned it to, there is more in the works as we speak. Thanks again Jack! ;D
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Post by jackbull on Jun 5, 2011 16:52:58 GMT -5
And it was posted before 11:58 on Friday, so that is basically a start right there
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Jun 5, 2011 16:55:08 GMT -5
Baby steps, my dear Watson. Baby steps. Also, I'm in the process of reading yours and will drop you some feedback when I finish them up and have a moment.
Will also be returning feedback to anyone else who does the same for me. ;D
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Post by jackbull on Jun 5, 2011 17:04:39 GMT -5
Cheers big ears.
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Jun 6, 2011 22:14:21 GMT -5
"Broken" is now up. I took inspiration from the song, but ran it with a little different tone than is present in the song. I think I rolled it together well though. I'd love to hear some feedback on how it transferred. This one was largely about Warrior's past and why he's...an asshole? Hah. So I'd love to hear how that translated. Below is the song it was based on.
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Post by jackbull on Jun 7, 2011 0:33:45 GMT -5
I'll start off by saying this made me laugh;
"Of course I loved him. I kidnapped and tortured my father for three days straight,"
The contradiction was funny, but there's something casual and very sadistic about that which also seems to sum Warrior up.
Overall the RP did a good job of explaining Warriors mentally. In a way it almost made me feel sympathy for him. At least now we have a better understanding of Warrior; we know that he basically wants everyone to be as miserable as he is.
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Jun 7, 2011 0:46:10 GMT -5
Thanks. That sort of 'casual insanity' is one of my favorite things to write. It seems like it works its way into basically all my writing in some way or another.
I'm glad the recounting of everything did a good job of helping to understand Warrior, that was my aim. I wasn't actually going for sympathy...but good. If I'm eliciting a reaction like that, the writing is doing its job.
I'd love some feedback from anyone else. Please and thanks! ;D
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Post by Obi on Jun 8, 2011 19:10:05 GMT -5
Okay, time to repay ya with some feedback.
I read both of your roleplays and waited a bit to digest them. They were definitely full of content, coming straight at me and unraveling a story in the process. I think what stood out to me though was not what the content was about but the amount of effort that you put in. I could really get a sense of effort in those roleplays. You want this win, and this is easily the best effort(s) that I have seen from you in a few months. Very good job.
Story wise, you are rolling along. You kept me interested from start to end. Good job. You really came out swinging for the PPV. I loved the lines (The only thing I belong doing, is wrestling).. that said it all for me.
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Post by primetime on Jun 8, 2011 21:11:33 GMT -5
Okay, time to repay ya with some feedback.
I read both of your roleplays and waited a bit to digest them. They were definitely full of content, coming straight at me and unraveling a story in the process. I think what stood out to me though was not what the content was about but the amount of effort that you put in. I could really get a sense of effort in those roleplays. You want this win, and this is easily the best effort(s) that I have seen from you in a few months. Very good job.
Story wise, you are rolling along. You kept me interested from start to end. Good job. You really came out swinging for the PPV. I loved the lines (The only thing I belong doing, is wrestling).. that said it all for me. I agree here. I can't really review too much being a judge and all but I want to comment on this. War war, you really tried hard this time and it showed. (Not that you don't try.. this time just felt like it had that energy.) THIS is what I expect from you. THIS is a former 2 time champion. Great job, bro-ham!
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