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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Nov 9, 2010 23:48:44 GMT -5
Since this seems to be the new trend, rather than making a new topic for every roleplay, I'll go with the crowd on this one. My first actual match roleplay is up since my return, and I'd greatly appreciate some feedback on it. I'm continuing on with having things be from the first person perspective of Kendra, something I'm interested to see what people think of. Anyways, please and thanks. Any feedback is good feedback. All that jazz. Link is below.
Click Here for "The Glory Days"
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Post by Kurt Noble on Nov 10, 2010 19:21:12 GMT -5
Ask and you shall receive.
Noble Feedback - Glory Days
The fact that this entire thing is told from the perspective of a child is a great technique, one I'll tip my virtual hat off to you for. The trite sentences, sometimes informal thoughts, and possibilities you can do with this are really great.
Liked the history lesson from the girl (Kendra, right?). Felt it added to the match stipulation angle nicely. I also like the angle about the managers/girlfriends/etc. being there to train. Interesting insight that proves true in a lot of e-wrestling scenarios.
One negative of the inner monologue technique is that sometimes, you may not focus entirely on the tangible aspects in an RP. Sometimes, people's thoughts totally overwhelm an RP, and I feel like not much happens in the "actual world." It would have been nice to see a little more dialogue between the two, possibly discussing AJ. On the bright side, it's not happening a detrimental amount in this RP, just make sure it become overabundant in future RPs. The concept of using the child narrator is really interesting, just make sure she doesn't totally control the RP.
The Mario Kart reference made me smirk, not gonna lie. I played it the other day, ha.
Also liked the "Oh wait, Daddy is doing push-ups." Literally makes me think a child is narrating her thoughts. On a fundamental note, calling him "Daddy" is great, and helps establish that childhood sense. Had she called him "Warrior" in her head, it might have totally killed the RP, ha.
Overall, this was pretty damn good. As I've said like three times, I love the child narrator, as it has such a potential, and is a little out of the norm as narrators go. It was match relevant, had a feeling of soon-to-be-escalating action, and was just genuinely entertaining, with nice little references on occasion. I apologize for not really having much constructive feedback, but I didn't see anything that I really felt needed to be absolutely changed. Really well done man. I'll be sure to keep reading in the future, as you've made a fan!
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Nov 10, 2010 22:09:15 GMT -5
Thanks man. That means quite a bit coming from you. And yeah, I kinda realized the lack of action myself during the roleplay. I think it worked okay in this one, but even I saw myself losing track of the tangible aspect a bit. I may try to swap more frequently in the future or something to that effect.
Oh and I'm glad you like the 'Daddy' part. I did that for that very reason. Kendra is eloquent, intelligent, cunning, conniving, and does anything for an end goal. She's still a thirteen year old girl though, and that's still her Daddy. Hah.
Anyways, I'll keep that in mind and glad to hear about the parts you liked. Look forward to more! ;D
Anyone else with something to say please feel free to chime in. Feedback = Kool. ;D
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Post by F1 on Nov 12, 2010 7:24:00 GMT -5
Well it appears you, yourself Warrior hit on one of the attributes I was going to touch on and that is Kendra seems quite intellectual for her age which makes the narration that much more interesting.
Anyway, I like where you were going with it. The references were those of a child and will probably make most everyone think back on playing Mario Cart at one time or another. I did notice there wasn't much focus on AJ other than the fact that he's their to boost you back into the competition. I do know you two don't really have any history and that's fine so I can live with the fact that you touched on his focus, strength.
From a realistic stand point I could see the training taking place for getting back into the swing of things. You daughter watching on brings more motivation, so I saw that as Warrior's motivation to internaly say "I can't quit!"
All in all, I like the feel of it and once you get rolling this style I think will prove to be that of which tips the scales in your favor when it comes down to close matches. Well done.
On a side note, I really liked your last rp for the fed wide storyline. Now that was some stellar work right there, I'm actually interested in hearing what's next.
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Nov 12, 2010 10:04:36 GMT -5
Thanks, if nothing else it's definitely good to know some of the things I'm trying to do are actually translating to the reader the way I'm intending. Clarifies that I'm going in the right direction. As for the fed-wide, thanks. I'm actually working on another chapter right now, and while I'm not pouring them out at the same rate, I have plenty more planned. I created a really long story with a specific endgame, hah. And I have no idea how many chapters it's going to take me to get to it. Thanks again guys, always great to get some feedback. Anyone else's would be appreciated as well.
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Nov 27, 2010 16:15:27 GMT -5
Well my latest is up. I've had quite a busy week, like I think alot of us have, so I wasn't able to get it really going and done until today. Fun time with your family and nephew can do that. Hah. Anyways, I kept up the ridiculousness of it all of course. Somewhat just because of how this roleplay flowed, and somewhat to address what you said Kurt, there is more dialogue between the two and I certainly feel I addressed what was actually going on around them moreso. It took me longer to get going with this one, but once I did I really think I like the way it turned out. So let me know what y'all think. I'm up to hearing anyone's opinion. Click Here for "Laugh the Day Away"
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Post by Obi on Nov 28, 2010 5:01:45 GMT -5
I liked it a lot dude. The way you broke down your opponents was well played indeed. I did get confused at times in regards to who was saying what but it was minimal.
I think you have a good flow going. I am enjoying the whole "Looking through the daughter's eyes" thing. Keep it up.
*Pros : Great conversations. Great Match Relevance!
*Cons: At times, hard to decipher who was saying what.
Glad to have you back, man.
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Nov 28, 2010 12:09:10 GMT -5
Yeah, I had thought about that but I wasn't sure if it would translate well or not. I'll just be sure to keep an eye on it later, and maybe put in some subtle things making it a little clearer. But thanks, good to see someone else's opinion on things.
And I'm glad to see that the style is translating well though. It's among the most fun to write. For a similar reason to why I liked write the lion phase of Chance Fusion. Writing from a different perspective is just so different and fun to play with, hah.
Thanks for the reply. Anyone else have an opinion? ;D
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Dec 11, 2010 23:01:12 GMT -5
This one wasn't exactly my best, I spent a good part of the week just trying to figure out what I wanted to do for it. Either way though, criticism is welcome everyone.
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Jan 27, 2011 22:29:41 GMT -5
I finally fucking got motivated. Now I'm going. So everyone, please read this one. Be forewarned, it is absolutely insane. It also reeks of the craziness that I used to write long ago with Warrior. I love it though. Why yes, Kendra is that much of a psycho.
So everyone take a look, and I'd love to hear what everyone has to say about it. I'm looking forward to running with this story now, it'll be a new kind of twist for me to go with.
So yeah. Feedback. Please and thanks. ;D
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Post by irobin on Jan 28, 2011 4:15:25 GMT -5
Yeah, that is a little bit nuts, isn't it?
Right up until the end, I didn't actually believe you'd go through with it, I figured that something/someone would stop Kendra before she could hit anyone. So, yeah, major credit for making a genuinely interesting roleplay that kept me gripped until the end. It'll certainly be interesting to see how this story pans out over time.
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Jan 28, 2011 8:06:38 GMT -5
Haha. I'm glad I was able to keep you interested throughout it. Some of the stuff I used to write was basically as crazy as this. All the mentions of my old mentor killing my ex-wife to keep me focused on my matches? That actually happened.
Seriously, I think I did one forever ago where I kidnapped and tortured my dad anonymously for three days around Christmas. To make a point maybe? I don't even know.
Anyways, good. Thanks for the feedback. Anybody else have something to say?
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Feb 12, 2011 1:17:06 GMT -5
Really looking for some feedback on this one guys. Things are kind of in a transitional phase, as the story progresses and settles in and I shift up the way I'm going to structure my writing some. Hopefully this piece translated well on its own though.
Anyways, any feedback is welcome and appreciated.
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Post by F1 on Feb 12, 2011 4:56:38 GMT -5
Great story building going on, not too much on your match though. But as a whole, I feel it was a great flowing well detailed rp. I like the approach you took and it made for a smooth, easy, and interesting ring. I get the feeling that Kendra and Warrior think Jace got lucky (I think you said it four times). That I'm sure you did on purpose for emphasis. The focus or lack thereof on your match showed where Warrior's mind is at this point. All in all I feel it was a solid rp, didn't get the joke about the Ev thing but it's all good. Another job well done man.
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Feb 12, 2011 11:02:57 GMT -5
I'll leave the joke unknown right now to see if anyone else catches it, hah. Thanks for the feedback though. The mention of the match was meant to make a point of where his mind is, but the main thing I wanted to run through it in regards to the match is that all of this is because Kendra wants him to win. Even though only certain parts talk specifically on the match, in reality it's all about the match. It all matters. Or at least, that's the intention I had. I don't know if it translated that way.
Anyways, thanks for the feedback man (+10 Karma!). Feedback from anyone else would be well appreciated, and I'm curious if anyone else will make the connection for the name 'Ev'.
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Post by F1 on Feb 12, 2011 12:41:02 GMT -5
Well you did get the point across that it's all about the match with the content from both Warrior and Kendra, even if little was said about it. Clearly the mind set and the focus are there. Not on the specific beings partaking, but the match in itself. That message was portrayed for sure. As for the "Ev" thing, all I can think about is when I was much younger and pokemon cards were the hot thing in elementary/early middle school, so I think Eevee ha ha. That's all I have on that matter. I really liked what you came out with this week though man, great job for sure.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Feb 12, 2011 13:00:30 GMT -5
I bet it has something to do with bioShock. just a hunch
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Feb 12, 2011 15:17:45 GMT -5
Bahah. It's fun seeing y'alls attempts at pulling the connection. Not quite though. Not Pokemon or BioShock.
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Post by dragon on Feb 12, 2011 15:23:29 GMT -5
Bahah. It's fun seeing y'alls attempts at pulling the connection. Not quite though. Not Pokemon or BioShock. EV= Extreme Virgin.
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Feb 12, 2011 15:33:56 GMT -5
Bahah. It's fun seeing y'alls attempts at pulling the connection. Not quite though. Not Pokemon or BioShock. EV= Extreme Virgin. Bahahah. Considering it houses juveniles, that's an interesting way to look at it. Not quite though. Now I'm really interested to see if anyone can figure it out.
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Post by Obi on Feb 12, 2011 15:42:18 GMT -5
Bahahah. Considering it houses juveniles, that's an interesting way to look at it. Not quite though. Now I'm really interested to see if anyone can figure it out. I am sitting here thinking... and I am stumped, lol. You're like the killer on Saw with all of those puzzles!
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