Mr. T
Prospect
Haters gonna hate
Posts: 386
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Post by Mr. T on Dec 2, 2010 22:16:08 GMT -5
Okay so I'm not one of those guys who expects feedback on every single RP I post, but I just thought I'd put this topic here so if there is any opinions/suggestions/feedback people want to chime in with after reading one of my RPs, this is the place to do it. And of course it's always appreciated. So anyway here is my newest RP: www.euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=rpsnv&thread=5090
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Post by primetime on Dec 5, 2010 16:37:41 GMT -5
I enjoyed it, man. The conflict between Danny and his brother was well written. I would like to see that explored. You touched on the whole Kennedy thing and that was a good idea as well. Writing was good, pacing was well done.. great rp.
If I could offer a bit of advice it would be to concentrate a tad more on the match. You did fine here but I was really enjoying your take on things as it were. Another thing is the color changing in the roleplay. This is more of a personal taste but I have never been a fan of it. My thoughts are, if you need a color to show who is talking.. you aren't describing enough then. Just an opinion.
Otherwise, prime rp. Great job.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Dec 6, 2010 10:52:00 GMT -5
I'm gonna agree with the boss for the most part. Personally I like the color coding because it helps separate the two people though you already do a pretty good job of that with your style of writing. Aside from match relevance I don't know what to tell you on how you could have improved it.
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Post by irobin on Dec 7, 2010 17:26:02 GMT -5
As I've shown, colour changing font codes are not something I have a problem with. Whilst I can see what the Boss is saying, I don't see too much harm in it. Nothing wrong with making a roleplay look purdy and as you label speakers too, the colour code doesn't make much difference anyway.
That aside, it's a good roleplay. Doesn't linger on anything for too long and whilst it might have been good to explore some things, I also know it's a pain if a point gets dragged on for too long. Looks like padding, which is a big no-no in roleplays.
As you've been told already, a bit more match relevance might be a good idea, you did well covering your EUW involvement so far, but there's little mention about the upcoming match. What does Danny think of Roy and Jackal? Has he seen them wrestle before? Did he watch Roy's tag match last week? Is he concerned that Kennedy's going to use this match to "punish" him for refusing to join his Empire? It might be a bit of a generic card-filler match, but it is your match, so you still have to treat it like a title shot and make a big deal out of it.
That's really the only problem here. It's well-written, interesting and gives all the usual character rounding/development that people tend to look for. Plenty of wrestling discussion, just lacking a bit of chat about your match, that's all.
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Mr. T
Prospect
Haters gonna hate
Posts: 386
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Post by Mr. T on Dec 7, 2010 21:53:03 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback. I know it was lacking match relevance a bit, but I was aware it was getting longish and plan another RP anyway, so I figured that can focus on the match itself more in-depth. But again thanks for all the input, I've taken it all on board.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Dec 7, 2010 22:07:11 GMT -5
You're welcome. I didn't know you planned another rp otherwise the feedback would have been slightly different
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Mr. T
Prospect
Haters gonna hate
Posts: 386
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Post by Mr. T on Dec 7, 2010 22:16:30 GMT -5
Yeah, I figured I could have included more match relevance in that one but it just would have made it so long it dragged and damaged the overall quality.
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Mr. T
Prospect
Haters gonna hate
Posts: 386
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Post by Mr. T on Dec 11, 2010 21:46:38 GMT -5
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Dec 11, 2010 22:08:04 GMT -5
Can't say much. it was short and sweet. It served it's purpose.
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Mr. T
Prospect
Haters gonna hate
Posts: 386
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Post by Mr. T on Jan 28, 2011 20:39:33 GMT -5
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Post by Mr. C on Jan 29, 2011 3:32:11 GMT -5
You did well with tying the past and the future together with the flashback via the photo. The descriptions are concise and the dialouge feels real. Generally when people try to beef up a RP they through in backstory almost as filler. They have the story, and then the RP (many times my RPs come across that way to people, I've been told). But yours tied together well, it made sense, but above all it left that feeling of wanting more. It gave a lot of questions and pulled me through the rest of the RP, hoping for answers. I like this kind of RP from you, it's good writing.
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Mr. T
Prospect
Haters gonna hate
Posts: 386
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Post by Mr. T on Feb 11, 2011 19:31:03 GMT -5
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Mr. T
Prospect
Haters gonna hate
Posts: 386
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Post by Mr. T on Feb 21, 2011 20:42:47 GMT -5
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Feb 21, 2011 20:51:42 GMT -5
I think I can safely say that this was the best rp I've seen from you thus far Danny. I really like how Danny kind of has a chip on his shoulder and loudly rejects this idea that he is somehow a weak link. That showed in your training segment. I also really liked how Danny was very serious and not joking around, as that helps put over the importance of the match. My only recommendation would be to have focused more on each individual opponent rather than referring to them in a general context. I know that would make it lengthier, but it's the price to pay for multi-man matches. Since each opponent is different, they would naturally require a different strategy. What is effective against Jace Ambrose will not be effective against TITAN, the method used to take down Scorpion will not necessarily work against Luck, etc. Other than that relatively minor quip though, GREAT stuff. 9.5/10 and 10 karma just for the hell of it.
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Mr. T
Prospect
Haters gonna hate
Posts: 386
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Post by Mr. T on Feb 21, 2011 21:18:00 GMT -5
Thanks, man. I agree about the individual opponent stuff, but after giving it a lot of thought I couldn't find a way to put it in without it being obvious I was just getting it in there just for the sake of having it in there, if that makes sense. So I focused more on Danny's own personal perspective of the match.
Thanks for the feedback, it's much appreciated - as is the karma ;D
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Post by patera on Feb 21, 2011 23:43:53 GMT -5
You really kicked some ass, brotha'. I enjoyed it completely. I could tell that you were really feeling your character, the match, and the direction that you wanted to go in. I won't offer any way to improve it because let's face it, writing a roleplay with 9 other men involved is a pain in the ass. You pulled it off. Keep this going into the next show too and Tenfold is back on track once again.
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Post by primetime on Feb 22, 2011 4:01:43 GMT -5
Great job. Your sig is scary though. I think it wants to eat me.
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F1
Veteran
Got Girl Problems? F1!
Posts: 985
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Post by F1 on Feb 22, 2011 6:21:56 GMT -5
Very well written, this is classic Danny X. This looks to be a solid turning point for Danny and it seems like he's getting his swag back and getting back on his feet. I liked the dialouge and how you built on this past shows experiences.
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Post by irobin on Feb 22, 2011 9:35:04 GMT -5
I'm echoing previous sentiments here, but this is more like it from you, Danny. You're getting back on to your good form and you'll soon (i.e. after this SNV is over ) be back to winning ways. I liked the sort of retrospective aspect of it all, with Danny in the same situation that he was in when he first joined, now looking back over what's happened. As Scorpion said, you've not talked too much about the actual opponents, just the Empire itself as a unit, but it's still a good read. Danny's pumped up and determined to prove that he belongs here, that was the key message and it came through loud and clear.
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Mr. T
Prospect
Haters gonna hate
Posts: 386
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Post by Mr. T on Feb 22, 2011 10:28:36 GMT -5
Great job. Your sig is scary though. I think it wants to eat me. The intention was for the eye to hypnotize people into thinking my RPs are amazing, and it seems to be working! Thanks to everyone for the feedback, it really helps to know when I'm doing a good job
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Feb 22, 2011 10:45:44 GMT -5
No problem man. I know we as a fed don't feedback enough, but we're all in this together. That said, feel free to reciprocate once I post.
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