The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Oct 27, 2010 12:31:26 GMT -5
To all, Since others seem to be making specific threads for feedback requests instead of individual rp posts, I decided to the same. As such, I was wondering if it could begin with feedback on my Prestige rp, entitled "Purifying Tears of Blood". euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=ppvrp&action=display&thread=4884&page=1I tried to take into account some previous feedback suggestions, so hopefully they were successful. Any and all feedback is both encouraged and appreciated. Thanks, Adam (The Scorpion)
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CJ
Prospect
Booze Head
Posts: 295
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Post by CJ on Oct 28, 2010 16:51:13 GMT -5
Alright, here we go. I am using my feedback set up to do my reviews now. Makes things easier.
Overall Story 6/10- Alright. When it comes to your subject matter, you really know your stuff. The way your character interacts and calls upon his "diety" definently creates a genuine feel to your roleplays. The parts of the roleplay that dealt with the impending match were very good too. Great job there.
The thing is, I am having a hard time with your roleplays for the most part. The reason being is that as I get halfway through them, I find myself skimming ahead due to the length of it all. The subject matter is also a little thick for me. This is of course a personal taste and should not reflect badly upon you at all. In my opinion though, it was entirely way too long for it to be called a roleplay. The walls of text began to push me away. To make things fair.. it was a pay per view.. and so I kept that in mind.
You do know what you are doing and have a great grip on your character regardless. Good effort this week.
Length and writing quality.
As I said, it felt too long to me. Writing quality was superb.
Final Thoughts. You bring something different to the fed. That's a good thing. I think that I just need to try harder to understand you and maybe I will latch on to your subject matter better.
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Post by Obi on Oct 28, 2010 22:41:57 GMT -5
Hello Adam,
I will take a stab at reviewing your roleplay. I actually found your roleplay quite enjoyable. Just like you, I once had a character that had a mysterious energy to him, though mine was more centered on the occult and things of that nature. So, in a way, I find myself connecting to your work here.
Your writing style is excellent, there is no doubt about that. The way Scorpion conducts his business, from his mannerisms to his reactions, is covered perfectly in your roleplays. This week is the same. Keep up the good efforts in that regard, it is really working well for you.
I had a habit of writing "novels" when I competed as Oblivion. It was a side effect I guess of enjoying my character perhaps too much. I can see what CJ means by a wall of text. It can play tricks with your eyes when the text is presented that way, and can turn off the reader. There were moments when text layout was a factor for me. I don't think your roleplay was too long at all though.
On another subject, while your writing is talented and your description is ace, I found the subject matter to be a little out there in terms of stuff like this..
Quote: "The Holy Father is watching closely as his son attacks his own physical form, the eternal divinity softly aching at the pain his child endures while also radiating with pride from the intense show of loyalty to the holy word. The blood is flowing freely and yet the lashes do not stop, for the holy messenger must become clean once more! The world will be made to suffer tenfold for the pain being experienced by the one imbued with holy light. No matter the pain I shall endure, I will not allow the will of god to go undone!"
Now, this is amazing writing for sure. The thing is, it may a bit much for a simple competition. Again, I was once guilty of this as well. I know how it is.
What may seem epic and deep to us sometimes comes off as a "meal much to large to devour" for the casual reader, and perhaps you might keep that in mind when writing? Or maybe come to a decision as I once did. I chose to keep doing my thing and write for me. You could always opt to do the same.
Other than that, I enjoyed your rp greatly. You really are a great writer. I can envision your character when reading your roleplays and to me that is important. If I was to offer any advice, it would be to concentrate more on your match at hand, or at least do it in a more easily understandable way. That would probably make the difference right there.
I hope I am not too confusing or demoralizing. I would like to see the route you take with this character. Watching Scorpion become the man he is destined to be here in the EUW will be entertaining for sure.
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Oct 29, 2010 18:49:12 GMT -5
I thank both of your for your input. Just so you know, if there are ever any questions you have about the character or his meaning behind certain things, please ask and I will be happy to elaborate. Perhaps this will help to understand him better.
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Nov 10, 2010 22:37:23 GMT -5
To all, I have now posted my next Sunday Night Vengeance roleplay entitled "Reflections in the Eyes of the Beast". I would also like to say that I made some changes to my style for this one in an attempt to experiment. For example, there is less spoken text than I have utilized in the past, with a greater reliance on physical actions to denote symbolism. It is also a little shorter than my previous postings since one of the more consistent criticisms I get focuses on length. Hopefully this makes for a better flowing piece. euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=rpsnv&thread=4966&page=1#35940I graciously appreciate any and all feedback that is provided. Thanks, Adam (The Scorpion)
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Post by The Sky King on Nov 12, 2010 7:41:42 GMT -5
In terms of writing? It's pretty much up there with the rest of them. Hell, I think you could write a novella around the Scorpion character himself. You're writing is incredibly deep, incredibly detailed, and the subject matter is original. One thing you should keep in mind is that your subject matter seems to be incredibly well researched and deep, and the preaching tone of Scorpions monologues and speech are intense..but you have to be careful not to dive in too deep.
Why, you ask? Well, you had one weakness: Match relevancy. Now, you have a great story going for you, an excellent story, and the Scorpion character is top-of-the-league, but the match relevancy lacks. You build up the character, you constantly thrust his views into the readers face, you build him up as a terrifying individual..but then you have two lone, (in my opinion) throwaway paragraphs of speech in the middle, and then at the end, where he's focusing on the match.
Now, this is my personal opinion, but I feel that you should focus more on the match and less on the story. You have this character, this man of refined, near-dangerous intelligence and dedication, but there is little focus on his match.
I'm not saying you should abandon the deep subject matter, or Scorpions unique train of thought towards it, but it would be worth focusing on the match more often. You have a brilliant, original character..I cannot sing that praise enough, but the match relevancy is definitely lacking. If you fix that one flaw, I can see you being elevated to championship status with a snap of the fingers
(Also, I'm not commenting on length since it's personal opinion. I loved the longevity of this RP and your past RPs, makes for a better read.)
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Nov 23, 2010 21:11:56 GMT -5
To all, I have now posted my rp for the upcoming show entitled "Embracing a Form Higher than Humanity". I would also like to say that I really attempted to kick things up several notches this week due to the quality of my opposition. As such, this rp is admittedly a bit longer than some other work because of the symbolism and subject matter. That being said, please remember when reading that the entire crux of the argument is that religious faith grants a feeling that ascends the parameters of the human form, a sensation that nulls him to the limits of humanity. I've heard questions regarding overall message before, so I am trying to help out. euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=rpsnv&action=display&thread=5033&page=1I really would like some feedback here, since I really did try to go all out. Thanks, Adam (The Scorpion)
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Nov 24, 2010 18:49:43 GMT -5
Allow me to sweeten the pot:
Karma for feedback!
Any takers?
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Nov 25, 2010 17:52:21 GMT -5
I guess I'll sweeten the pot further...
Two exalts for feedback!
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James
Veteran
The EUW's Resident Superhero!
Posts: 917
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Post by James on Nov 26, 2010 0:26:25 GMT -5
Alright, I usually don't like doing feedback because I'm staff but I will here because I might not get my votes in this week.
I really liked your work this week, as I do every week. I really like the message and after I was reading it, and knowing what you had tried for, I really thought you nailed it. This week, more so than usual I really thought the opening 'thoughts' really set the tone for the piece and it really sold me on the piece at the start. Sometimes that part drags slightly in your role-plays and I want you to get into the good stuff but this week, it was great all week long. It's noticeable you brought it this week against Phil.
Everything else was the same as usual in response to your work, the writing was eloquent, artful prose with a message that really built the Scorpion character. I think as well that him being 'above human' would resound well in a wrestling sense to 'sell' the match without talking about the opponent. I also like that you did focus on Mr. Luck a lot as well as the goings on in EUW.
The one thing I thought could have been more prevalent was a bit about the pure title, especially a comparison the purity of The Scorpion, though I can appreciate that you may have been concerned about the general length of the role play if you had added that portion.
The other thing here, that I've noticed more and more is that in the actions, it's beginning reads ... off. I don't know why, but the continual use of 'with, while or it is' you're almost lecturing us, telling us what's happened instead of painting the picture that you do so well.
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Nov 26, 2010 13:20:30 GMT -5
Much obliged my friend. You have been exalted. The second exalting shall occur as soon as I am able. Thanks again buddy.
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Dec 8, 2010 22:09:24 GMT -5
I have posted my rp for the upcoming show against Jack Bull. It can be found on the rp board and is entitled "Resisting the Bitter Cold of the Human World". Once again, I tried to really kick it up a notch and improve my writing, so any feedback would be most appreciated. For clarity purposes, please remember that the rp is meant to be a testament to The Scorpion's loyalty towards his faith. He will suffer any pain, perform any task that means pleasing god. His isolation is warranted, because the planet is innocent and people are not. The one thing that The Scorpion truly cannot hate is nature. As such, when reading the rp one should remember that this is why he is so in tune with the natural workings of the world. euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=rpsnv&thread=5149As always, I welcome and encourage any feedback. Once again, karma shall be duly provided upon the posting of feedback. Thanks, Adam (The Scorpion)
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Jan 12, 2011 18:49:17 GMT -5
Well it's been quite a while since I last wrote, so I'd really appreciate some feedback from any of the guys. My rp is in the PPV boards and is entitled "Purity Beyond the Dancing Flames". euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=ppvrp&action=display&thread=5254&page=1Any and all feedback is most appreciated. Also, for what it's worth, karma to all feedback givers as well! Thanks, Adam (The Scorpion)
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Post by primetime on Jan 13, 2011 19:35:20 GMT -5
Another well written RP.
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Jan 13, 2011 20:36:07 GMT -5
And with that, I hereby exalt the boss. Much obliged my good man.
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Jan 25, 2011 14:25:32 GMT -5
To all, I have posted my rp for Sunday Night Vengeance in the appropriate board. Allow me to say that I need feedback more than ever on this once, since I am going in a RADICALLY different direction. This rp is the start of a big angle I have planned for the character, thus I really need to know if I hit everything I was going for. I also tried to break up the monologues as well since that seems to be a consistent complaint. euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=rpsnv&thread=5355&page=1#38417I will gladly provide karma where feedback is provided. I am making an impassioned plea to my peers here, since I need to know if this angle can work. Thanks, Adam (The Scorpion)
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Jan 25, 2011 14:46:14 GMT -5
First off. I loved it. great story since it is dealing with a lose in the best possible way. "You lost so what move on"
I will say i was left wondering what Scorpions target is and feeling sorry for who/whatever it is.
I've always liked how you combined match reliance with sheer belittlement keeping Scorpions character very well.
I hate the fact that we're at odds this week. Best of luck and DAMN this one was good
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Feb 22, 2011 22:14:57 GMT -5
Everyone, I would greatly appreciate some feedback for my SNV rp this week. I am continuing the new angle I am taking Scorpion in and would greatly appreciate some feedback on it. I tried to balance the overall angle with the match, so hopefully I was successful in doing so. I know it's long, but I wanted to make sure I hit all my points. euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=rpsnv&action=display&thread=5526Like usual, feedback = karma. Thanks in advance.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Feb 22, 2011 22:38:25 GMT -5
Well I'm not doing this for the karma but i will say that the angle is working. I want to know who he keeps talking to and what his mission is/was.
Personally i like how you incorporated the match and how you spent time on everyone not just your opponents.
The only part i could see needing any work is when your discribing Scorpion's actions it seems to slow down a little. not much and not enough to disinterest the reader. but just enough to become noticible.
Overall solid you said Danny's was a 9.5 out of 10 and i say yours is the same
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Feb 22, 2011 22:51:38 GMT -5
The feedback is much appreciated Roy. Thanks a ton for giving me some outside perspective. I know you said you weren't doing it for the karma, but 15 karma just for the hell of it.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Feb 22, 2011 23:00:58 GMT -5
Well thank you. I look forward to reading your review of mine
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