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Post by Obi on Feb 22, 2011 23:43:48 GMT -5
I just finished reading your piece. I want to wish you the best of luck, first of all. You really put a lot of energy into your roleplays and for all intents and purposes, it shows. Your description is on point and the ambiance could not be better. It was a great read, if not a long one, but let me explain.
Overall, I liked the roleplay. It had all the necessary points needed in a roleplay. You brought that "Scorpion" feel to it early and often. I liked how you wove in the subject of your opponents, but I could not help feeling as if the match was secondary.. and something else was primary. That was not such a big deal though. When you began to speak of your opponents, at first you sort of danced around the subject. Then, you dove right into them. That was good. Then, the roleplay sort of kept repeating itself. I found myself feeling like I had already read some of the paragraphs at times and I began to lose my interest.
I know, this feedback is not the greatest. I mean no disrespect by it and in truth, I hope this does not affect the judging as you are on my team! lol. I just feel I should be honest. Had you of wrapped it up earlier, I think I would have been just fine with it. Towards the end though, it felt more like a race for a proper word count.
Anyway, I am still going to give this roleplay a thumbs up just on the fact that the "Scorpion" moments were well done.
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Mar 7, 2011 13:52:58 GMT -5
To all, I have now posted my rp for the upcoming show. I tried to make some specific alterations to this one in order to utilize constant suggestions I've been getting in feedback. For example, I attempted to shorten this one somewhat and also devoted more time to match relevance all while maintaining the character vibe I seek. I also hope that his rp helps build the overall angle that is happening without minimizing the competition. euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=rpsnv&action=display&thread=5614&page=1I really love feedback from everyone, so I would really appreciate some for this one. Especially because I want to see how the adjustments come across. Thanks in advance everyone.
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Post by irobin on Mar 11, 2011 17:09:47 GMT -5
There's definitely more match relevance to this one than I recall seeing in some of your previous works and that helps, after all, you've got to talk about the match at some point, so show it the respect it deserves and talk about it properly. You do this. The whole roleplay still has the usual "Scorpion" factor about it, the religious fervour of old still lingers but has been largely displaced by a sense of misery that seems to surround The Scorpion's every moment. He's been cast out and feels very much alone, an emotion that, despite his obvious antisocial tendencies, is one most people can relate to at least once in their life.
It gives a real feeling of sorrow to this roleplay, he doesn't just want to win; he needs to win. A win will bring him closer to the light that he once knew, but in recent weeks he has seem unfocussed, unmotivated and unconfident and he needs to get around those blockades. He's regaining his focus now, marking the opponents as a speed bump on his road, but he wants to beat them to help further his own agenda.
I was surprised to see that The Scorpion had a phone, even if it came from Rivera. Much more so that he carries it with him, knowing that it can disturb his thoughts or meditations. I may be reading too much into it, but it said to me that whatver ambitions The Scorpion has are very much tied to Rivera at the moment, so he has to keep the boss happy in order to get to his desired target. Or, you know, he just shoved the phone in his pocket and forget about it. Whatever.
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Mar 27, 2011 12:33:51 GMT -5
To all, I would greatly like some feedback on my most recent work. I finally delved into the thing that has been a secret this whole time about The Scorpion: his past. I would greatly like some feedback on the work as a whole. It's a bit longer than I would have liked, but I needed to make sure I hit everything. euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=ppvrp&action=display&thread=5693&page=1I would greatly appreciate any feedback from anyone. Thanks in advance guys. Adam (The Scorpion)
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Post by patera on Mar 27, 2011 16:24:45 GMT -5
VERY well done. I enjoyed reading about the history of Scorpion. Plus, you gave him more of a "human" feel this time around and it helped me to get into it more. I enjoyed your rp very much and will not even offer any advice at all. Well done.
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James
Veteran
The EUW's Resident Superhero!
Posts: 917
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Post by James on Mar 28, 2011 18:22:03 GMT -5
Adam, you know I'm a big fan of your work and I often find it incredibly hard to criticize. This piece was no different but I truly believe that it struck a chord as someone who has read The Scorpion for so long. Really delving into the history of the man that came to be The Scorpion, in my opinion, was a stroke of genius for this match as, at least to me, it just read differently. It wasn't as formulaic as some pieces can be as you truly stepped outside your comfort zone with this one. It made it a more enjoyable read from my perspective as you could truly 'feel' this one in an entirely different way than what I am accustomed to getting from reading your work.
It's definitely one of the better pieces from you and I think it just shows that no matter how long you're in this game you can always grow in a sense as a writer.
Kudos.
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Post by irobin on Mar 29, 2011 6:26:44 GMT -5
I don't always take to your roleplays, the usual religious imagery and symbolism is something I take umbrage with on a personal level, so the reduced amount of that in this roleplay was a massive plus point for me. You still had that religious fervour, but it was toned down in terms of imagery, replaced instead by more human tones. The back story to The Scorpion coming out, his feelings towards his opponents all seemed to ground him, which may well be a result of his perceived distance from his holy father.
I particularly liked the moment where he attacked "Brett Cross", yelling "I HATE YOU!" As he does so, it came across as a powerful sign of just how unstable this character has become, that he would use such a phrase of individual feeling (As opposed to saying that his God hates them) suggesting that now he is fighting for himself and not for some holy other. Even if he finds his place with his God, his faith seems to have changed greatly and it seems that he will never return to what he once had.
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Post by The Sky King on Mar 29, 2011 7:10:16 GMT -5
I enjoyed this RP, and how personal it felt. Reading the RP, you really put work into showcasing the absolute hatred Scorpion has for his opponents, and IMHO, I felt it shone through really well. Then, you set aside the angered tone, and picked up a more sombre tone diving into Scorpions back story. I really don't know how you do it, but you can really engrain emotion into your roleplays, and it helps the entire thing.
Content wise, a few big ol' paragraphs, but nothing that can't be overcome. I feel sometimes that your RPs drag themselves out, but this time was different, I found myself hooked and continued reading. You went through Scorpions hatred for the opponent and his odd training, but then you did something i've been wanting for a long time: You opened up Scorpions backstory, which shot this RP up from "Brilliant" to "World Champion standard", because you set it out so well, you developed your character brilliantly, and the ending? FUck. That ending was just WOW. It set up the parallels between both parts of the RPs perfectly, and wrapped things up nicely. I'm trying not to ask for second part, because this one part hit it all.
I can't find anything negative. Some people will probably be intimdiated by the sheer length of it, but that's never been a problem for me. Because of that, I have nothing to criticise.
Well, I do have one criticism: This match is going to be fucking difficult to judge seeing the standards that have been set.
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Mar 29, 2011 8:47:50 GMT -5
I really appreciate the feedback everyone, it means a lot since this is such an important match. I'm at work currently posting on my phone, but when I get back I'll try to return the feedback favors all around. Thanks again to everyone.
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CJ
Prospect
Booze Head
Posts: 295
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Post by CJ on Mar 29, 2011 16:18:47 GMT -5
Scorpion! YOU KICKED ASS!!
On a more less handicapped note, I loved your roleplay this week. You really put it down and switched things up a bit, and this helped draw me in. That is the Scorpion that is dangerous.
That is what I want to read!
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Apr 29, 2011 14:28:51 GMT -5
To all, I have posted my rp for the upcoming show. I would like some feedback to know how well the angle is continuing to progress. I have tried to integrate both long term angle development as well as match relevance, so please let me know your thoughts. Any feedback given will be returned in kind. euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=rpsnv&action=display&thread=5939&page=1Thanks, Adam (The Scorpion)
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Post by jackbull on Apr 29, 2011 16:30:23 GMT -5
Please god, use the return key more often.
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Apr 29, 2011 16:42:14 GMT -5
Duly noted, although you will notice that I already use it significantly more that I have in the past. The longer monologues are meant to be indicative of how a preacher gives a sermon, tying into the overall gimmick.
However, I have noted your feedback and thank you for it.
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Post by jackbull on Apr 29, 2011 17:22:14 GMT -5
I understand. Sometimes though those long blocks can be difficult to read from an eyesight perspective. You don't have to go OTT Like I kind of did in my last promo, but maybe every seven or eight lines or so should suffice.
Overall though the promo is good. It fits your character, his style and his gimmick well.
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Post by irobin on Apr 30, 2011 4:13:54 GMT -5
Another good piece, I said in my judging guidelines that drawing some kind of emotional response was a way to score big points. Cutting your own arm open is pretty crazy and it certainly got a response from me, even if it is getting a little bit borderline now. Don’t forget what happened when you set your arm on fire. The whole “lost faith” angle is trucking along nicely, although I do wonder what happens when it ends, especially if you lose to Bull. There’s a part of me that almost wants to see you lose a third time, just to see exactly what happens. Will the Scorpion just cut his arm off, instead of burning/slitting it? It might be getting a bit beyond our usual family-friendly EUW fare. Either way, it’s a good arc, I’m generally enjoying it and whilst it may have seemed a bit of a gamble when you started it, I believe it’s already paid off by giving you a focus and something to really work with. As most others would point out, since you went down this path, you won the top prize in the EUW, so that’s as good a sign as any as to whether or not the angle is working. As for your roleplay this week, I’ve already said that the self-harming scene was good. It was very well-written (even by your usual standards) and for me was definitely the high point of your piece. It was worked well, with your roleplay feeling that it was building to something specific, and then delivering in style. However, some of the build-up dragged for me, some of the lengthy meditation on faith and other build up did have me feeling tempted to skip ahead. To call it “rambling” seems harsh, because it was hardly aimless chatter, but I did feel like telling the Scorpion to just get on with it. Other than a few moments like that though, it was a good piece just that this time it had the obvious high point and a few lows, rather than the consistent level that I normally find your work to be at.
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Jun 6, 2011 23:15:05 GMT -5
To all, I have posted for my match against Jack Bull at Retribution. I tried to really give it my all with this one and ingrain several emotions and mindsets into the piece. I would greatly appreciate some feedback to see if I was able to do so. Anyone who feedbacks me can expect karma and a return feedback as thanks. euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=ppvrp&action=display&thread=6176&page=1Thanks, Adam (The Scorpion)
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Post by Obi on Jun 8, 2011 19:10:58 GMT -5
Let me settle in and I will get you some feedback, Champ.
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Post by Mr. C on Jun 8, 2011 19:24:11 GMT -5
This was by far my favorite piece written by you so far. Meaning no offense at all, the style that involved inner monologues and not much else didn't do much for me. In the same way I will never be able to get Diabolik to read a Brett Cross RP. Old Scorpion pieces had a style and a subject matter that didn't work for me.
But this, this piece worked for me. Great pacing, enjoyable dialogue, perfect descriptions and above all, a story and a narrative that pulled me in. The transformation of The Scorpion is incredible, the angle is quite an enjoyable read, and the mechanics used in this pulled it all together. Gone were the mounds of text that to an unmotivated reader seemed like gibberish and instead they were concentrated to the beginning. I enjoyed this as you kept the parts that make The Scorpion well, The Scorpion, but you adapted the RP to make a stronger narrative which is something for me that made this,from beginning to end a RP that made me want to continue reading.
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CJ
Prospect
Booze Head
Posts: 295
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Post by CJ on Jun 9, 2011 13:41:22 GMT -5
Your roleplay was great! I see that you went a different direction. Very gutsy.. and it paid off. Gonna be hard to beat that in my opinion.
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The Scorpion
Prospect
?There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience." - St. Ambrose
Posts: 308
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Post by The Scorpion on Jun 10, 2011 20:15:22 GMT -5
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Post by irobin on Jun 11, 2011 9:21:02 GMT -5
You have written two very solid pieces. You’re always one of the most consistent guys here, which is probably a large part of why you’re the champion. That said, you do seem to be able to pick it up a bit for the big matches and you have certainly delivered this time with two roleplays worthy of a champion. They are strong, powerful pieces that show the change in the Scorpion that’s been building over these past few months to show just how far he has fallen, and how desperate he is to cling to what little he has left.
These are not going to be easy to top. As everyone has stated before, your writing is top notch and your descriptions are really up there as some of the best around, you describe your scenes so clearly that I can envisage everything that’s going on. I’m never one that’s concerned by length, so I shan’t comment on that, and your writing style works well. As mentioned previously, do keep an eye on your paragraph lengths, I didn’t see any issues this time, but there are often a lot of lengthy paragraphs one after the other and it can give the impression of being a wall of text which may put some people off.
One of the more frequent comments is that you don’t put enough match relevance into your pieces, and I know that that’s just your style, but the first piece did feel like there was a lot more match relevance to it. It felt like the right amount, which is great to see, because your writing is good and it’s unfair to put someone down for writing a great roleplay by just telling them that they needed more match relevance. Your second has even more match relevance and we all know that this can be a deciding factor here, so it’s good to see that you’ve made sure to load up with plenty of it. Nice work, and keep it going, it will serve you well.
As for the content, well, it was interesting, wasn’t it? We’ve got a sad, desperate man, a dead mother, a missing “father” and an unscrupulous business man trying to serve his own agenda by being both that dead mother and father. It’s an unusual cast list, isn’t it? Ashen was written well and portrayed as his usual self; I imagine that his words were all lies to try to encourage his investment to perform, although I did question it when he said he believed in the Scorpion when no-one else did. Whilst it might be true, it didn’t quite seem like an Ashen thing to say, but other than that, it was all good. The subject of it all does show the change in the Scorpion that has been brought about, and how much he needs this win over Jack Bull to help him regain all that he has lost. The guy seems ready for a breakdown, and I’m almost afraid to see what happens if he does end up losing this match…
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