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Post by The Sky King on Jun 25, 2010 18:51:45 GMT -5
Ok, this is going to be the feedback topic for my RPs. Feel free to give critique on any RPs I may post in the future.
Accepting critique for:
Silver Tongued
My first RP under Mr. Luck. How did I do? Is the first person viewpoint too confusing to follow? Is the story too "clunky"? (ie; too much character and scene development, not enough getting down to business) What do you think of the Mr. Luck character so far? Big Dave? Zack Cornell? Do the characters mix together well or might it be worth keeping some seperate?
You decide..
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Post by dragon on Jun 27, 2010 13:55:02 GMT -5
Hey Phil, Ready for some feedback? For the most part, I enjoyed your rp. It had great conversation, match relevance, and kept me reading. That is most important. While length is not an issue for me, it did seem to drag on towards the end. Overall, I enjoyed it man and it's awesome to have to back.
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Post by The Sky King on Jun 29, 2010 12:38:12 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback X, I'll be sure to proofread this week and make sure the story doesn't drag
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Post by The Sky King on Jul 3, 2010 16:57:50 GMT -5
Now accepting critique for: A Calm Before
I didn't drag this one on, I ended it as soon as seemed logical. As such, I hope everyone likes it and it still manages to convey my RPs in one chunk.
Points to Consider
1) Hows Lucks character evolving? Are you feeling anything towards Luck at all? Animosity, perhaps, at his laziness? How do you find his attitude to the upcoming match and life in general? 2) Big Dave. We didn't get much from Zack in this one (I'm exploring his character later) but how well did Big Daves character change in this RP? I wanted to go behind the e-fed cliche of "Big dumb bodyguard" and into the realm of a thinking man who isn't afraid to get violent. How does it work? Does it work well? Or is Big Dave one of those people you just don't see as philosophical? 3) Relationships between characters. Are they working? Are they clashing? I really want to know if they mould together either in a positive light or negative light. I don't want them to just be 3 chock characters thrown in to add some meat to my RPs, I want to give them some character. Obviously, Zack will be harder to speak for since he got very little in edgewise, but how are they coming along?
4) Structure. Is the structure alright? I ditched the color-coding days of Meltdown/Philip Storm since it was difficult to look back on in Creative Writing terms. Writing RPs like this gives me a wider range of berth and gives me more room to explore the character deeper. Is the structure confusing? Or is it like reading a story? Less paragraphs or more?
I await critique eagerly
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Post by dragon on Jul 4, 2010 0:47:19 GMT -5
Okay, before I begin, I hope I did not offend you with my review last week. That was not my intention. I am learning to give reviews here and at times, my wording may be a bit too harsh. I apologize if I did offend you, Phil.
Now this weeks installment,
I enjoyed this week much more. Again, your conversations were a strength. I would like to go deeper there and say that I really enjoy the attitude that Mr. Luck has. He is realistic, almost down to earth. It's nice having a character you can relate to. Keep up the good work there. I am into your character so far.
As for the change in colors, etc, I think you are on the money with that. For me, sometimes the color changes and text size differences make my eyes go batty. I start to pull away from the rp at that point. I think what you did this week was perfect in that regard. Great flow, simple, and effective.
I am going to refrain on reviewing your characters as they are still new to me. I would like to really get to know them.
Over all, that was a great rp. You brought your A game. Thanks for letting me read it!
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Post by The Sky King on Jul 10, 2010 16:37:32 GMT -5
Meme
Jesus fucking Christ, I should really start building on Daves and Cornells characters more.
This one was more of a focus on Lucks past than anything else. I wanted to give it much more of a personal edge than i've written in my previous RPs. I got really heavy with the UWL stuff, I apologise, but since its the only other e-fed I was in it was kind of hard to refer back to Lucks past without bringing it up.
This one took AGES to write, mainly because I got some writers block during it, so if it drags on, thats probably why.
It's got more match focus than the others. I also wanted to highlight Lucks complicated (in his eyes) relationship with the Council. I wanted to pull it off so it seemed like he thought he was better than them, and at the same time using his position for his own needs.
Also, I brought up Lucks past character and had him talk about changing. This is in direct relation to a few comments I've had given to me by some people about how it's lacking that certain something from the Mr. Luck character.
So..yeah, feedback would be appreciated. I don't really have any certain criteria to judge, since this was a..well, kind of generic, character-building RP I wanted to throw out there.
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Post by dragon on Jul 10, 2010 16:48:45 GMT -5
Okay.
First of all.. HEY DUDE! SUP!
Now the review.
As you mentioned, you really dug into the UWL stuff. This is a part of Luck's past and thus, important. Though, it felt more like a locker room topic to me. I didn't really feel the UWL stuff. (Though it was not the majority of the RP though) When you started naming off past tag partners (Josh Eagles) much as you did last week, it began to feel more like an add for the UWL and less of an EUW roleplay. You know, like it was meant to be posted on their site. That was the point that you lost me.
I agree, do more character building, but less UWL stuff. This is a personal preference of mine and may not be a common opinion. I hope this made sense.
Now, let's talk about the positive.
You say that you were battling writer's block but it was not noticeable at all. There was a great sense of flow to the roleplay.
I am liking Big Dave. Sometimes, you see a character and just click with it. I want to hear more about him. He seems like the quiet protector, the diamond in the rough that will one day rock the world.
Your convos again are spot on. And the rp was laid out perfectly.
Other than the UWL stuff, the match relevance was nice! I loved the banter between your characters regarding the match. It felt natural and easy to read.
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Post by The Sky King on Jul 10, 2010 16:59:36 GMT -5
Well, I won't be focusing on UWL as much as I did in this RP. I just needed to throw it out there because of people comparing this character to my old one (Not in RPs, but in general conversation) so I figured "May as well make a point." Other than that, I'm really glad the RP flowed, that's my main concern since i'll write different chunks of the RP at different times before connecting. Don't worry, I'll be focusing more on the main protagonists throughout the next series of RPs, so watch this space
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Post by Obi on Jul 16, 2010 19:38:07 GMT -5
You did good this week, Melty. Great match relevance. I loved how you broke everything down as far as wrestler moves and tendencies. Poor, Sabora...
No one seems to like him, lol.
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Post by dragon on Jul 18, 2010 14:35:17 GMT -5
I really enjoyed your rp this week. The match relevance was right on and the dialog was once again, perfect. Great stuff.
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Post by The Sky King on Jul 23, 2010 5:11:55 GMT -5
Now accepting feedback for: The Pact Interlude
Yeah, this was meant to be a break away from the normal styles of RP. I combined two styles here: The first is Third Person, where Luck is out of it, the second is First Person, where Luck is at least semi-conscious.
I don't know if this RP drags on, I didn't go back and add or delete anything, I kept it as I wrote it out in my mind. I wanted it to delve deeper into the fragile state of Lucks mind, which also gave me space to develop Dave and Cornell out more. Daves still the calm giant of the group, while Zack is more of a pacifist-plan-this-shit-out kind of guy.
Part II should be coming before the deadline, time constraints permitting, where i'll go back to my usual style and focus more on the match. Depending on how well Part II goes and how fast I can get it up, I might see about getting Interlude moved over to the Locker Room instead. I still involved some match relevance and discussion of last weeks events to keep the RP totally relevant instead of just character development, I think.
So anyway, rate critically, don't be afraid to point out small faults. I'm here to improve before going to Creative Writing at University, and I don't plan to be second-best.
Do the two styles mix well? How are Dave and Zack developing? What about Lucks character? How is that playing out for you lot? All this and more you can feel free to comment on.
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Post by Diabolik on Jul 23, 2010 8:18:32 GMT -5
I think you did a good job of it, and, personally, I am also interested to see who this old friend is. I'll be honest, I've been following the story of Kid Luck, oh, sorry, Mr Luck, (still getting used to that) and just never really commented on it. I think you write really well, and I definately agree with everyone above saying you do conversation and banter really well, and it all feels quite natural.
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Post by Obi on Jul 23, 2010 10:22:53 GMT -5
That was great, brother. I enjoyed the shit out of that rp this week and challenge the judges to pick that apart. The use of your superb dialog coupled with the way you flesh out your characters was wonderful. You brought your good stuff this week. Keep it up.
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Post by The Sky King on Aug 8, 2010 19:26:10 GMT -5
Now accepting feedback for: The Pact Interlud (NUMBWAH 2)
This one didn't have much character feedback, but I wanted it as a bridge between this and my Supercard RPs. Most importantly, the old "Kid" Luck is starting to shine through again. I did well to get rid of most of the angst he holds and am trying to reshape him as more of a comical character again. Not much development on the side of Dave and Cornell. I have ideas for both, but this was more of developing the protagonist than anything else.
I also did this to get myself back in the mood for RPing, hence why I put it in The Locker Room. The follow-up should follow before Wednesday next week,.
Remember, be critical. It might be a change from my usual style, but did you guys like it? Was the fighting too much? Or not enough? Did it seem believable? Feedback on anything about it is welcomed. Is it too difficult to read? I'm thinking of somehow modifying my RPs to make them easier to follow speech-wise.
Also, a cookie to anyone who gets the Timesplitters: Future Perfect reference.
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Post by purgatori on Aug 8, 2010 21:00:21 GMT -5
I read this one and was like BAM!It was excellent and damn,did it give me the reminder of what it was like to be so shitfaced you didn't know which way you were going.Luck's former nature is shinin' through fiercely,so keep it up,cause it's getting better each time.The fighting wasn't too much,and made perfect sense at that point..and brought around the point to give a relation to something everyone may get at a certain point or another.
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Post by Diabolik on Aug 9, 2010 5:17:13 GMT -5
My guess is Lardbucket, Mongo and Forehead are based off characters in Future Perfect?
Also, that was a fun read. Really enjoyed it.
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Post by The Sky King on Aug 9, 2010 9:11:31 GMT -5
My guess is Lardbucket, Mongo and Forehead are based off characters in Future Perfect?
Wrong ;D
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Post by The Sky King on Sept 3, 2010 18:38:06 GMT -5
Ok, I want to bring this up or help:
What do you see next for the characters?
I'm going to develop Luck as a face, and slowly bring back the comedy that some people miss, but as for developing a character, I'm at empty.
I've been losing too many matches lately, and it's simply because i've hit a rut with my writing. Where do I go from here? How can I pull it off without it seeming unbelievable?
My writings lacking depth, and I need some serious fucking help before I put this weeks out,. I don't care how barbarically you hack apart my most recent RPs, I just need to get back in the stride. WIth the Meltdown character, I had one fixed gimmick to focus on...Because of Lucks history and his circumstances, it's a dynamic gimmick, which is giving me problems since it forms (In my eyes) an inconsistent form of writing the character.
Things I need help on:
1) Dynamic or fixed gimmick? Do I put things on fast forward, get Luck back on top and keep his character as a narcissistic rich playboy, or not? 2) Writing style. Is there any way to improve it? 3) CHaracters. Anything that anyone wants to see? Any ideas for developing Dave and Zack (I have an idea for him, but I don't want to execute it yet)?
This is a feedback topic.Be barbaric, be brutal, but most importantly: Lend me a hand, please.
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Post by Diabolik on Sept 4, 2010 9:06:18 GMT -5
Things I need help on: 1) Dynamic or fixed gimmick? Do I put things on fast forward, get Luck back on top and keep his character as a narcissistic rich playboy, or not? 2) Writing style. Is there any way to improve it? 3) Characters. Anything that anyone wants to see? Any ideas for developing Dave and Zack (I have an idea for him, but I don't want to execute it yet)? This is a feedback topic.Be barbaric, be brutal, but most importantly: Lend me a hand, please. I think you performed better with a fixed gimmick, and Luck was fantastic as a rich, self-absorbed dickhead. He really was. However, if you really want to pull this sort of thing off, there will need to be a bit more character depth than just "narcissistic, rich playboy". There's a lot of talk about how he is a spokesman, and silver tongued, etc. Yet despite his apparent gift for words, he often finds his way out of things with his fists. If you want him to be silver tongued he should be talking his way out of situations, showing he does actually have some brains underneath his priveleged exterior. Sure, he has Big Dave for when he needs some muscle, but for the most part, the one with the real silver tongue seems to be Zack. Zack is always giving Luck a boost, helping to cheer him up when he's down, getting him into the mindset for the match, if anything, Zack might actually be the strong point of your RPs. If your RPs were a movie, they'd be The Losers, and Zack would be Jensen. In other words, they have style, which is good, but the substance is sometimes (but not always) lacking, the story is not as good as it could be, it isn't as faithful to the original as some would've liked, and Jensen/Zack, although not the focal point, still manages to steal every scene he's in. But the characters are interesting, and they are in the hands of a competent creator, who knows what to do. It just needs that little extra kick. Basically, you're very good at character interaction, you know the ins and outs of writing a good RP, you just need a set point to focus on. You need to write yourself a story/saga where you can develop your characters and ultimately achieve an ulterior motive. I think that's the main thing you're lacking. The whole stealing the ex-girlfriend's dog thing? Brilliant. It introduced the characters, showed what they're good at, and gave you a story to focus on. Those roleplays were great. Of course, this is all just my opinion. I could be wrong.
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Post by The Sky King on Sept 4, 2010 9:25:07 GMT -5
So:
- Develop Luck more as a silver-tongued person. - Put Zack into the background more, or at least make Luck more of a show-stealer. - Focus on a set storyline. - Develop the characters more. - Bring Luck back into his old stride: More vulgar, more self-absorbed, more narcissistic, a real dickhead.
Can you clarify what you mean by substance?
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