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Post by irobin on Jan 26, 2011 17:57:06 GMT -5
I don't believe I can tell you anything you don't know.
It's an alright roleplay. A bit long, not as gripping or powerful as your BRH stuff was, but still adequate enough to do the job. A few minor typos, nothing serious and it piques the curiosity by this devlopment of Luck's chronic headaches. Sounds like something bad brewing there in the future for him, it'll be good to see where that goes.
That said, the whole roleplay seems to play up disharmony in the team. These three that spent the weeks prior to BRH making out how good a team they were and how tight they were... Are now not all reading from the same page. To an extent, it reads more like the LVC lost at BRH, hence feelings of resentment and distrust bubbling beneath the surface. Not sure exactly where that's going, but it seems odd for a team that was so strongly unified to win the titles and then drop off a bit. I know Luck's got a massive ego, but still... The guy needs to keep it together.
Even here, when rushed and busy, you still can't put out a bad roleplay. As I said, not to the same level as your BRH stuff (I reckon I could beat you this time around), but it's still a strong roleplay that would give most people a run for their money
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Post by The Sky King on Feb 25, 2011 8:57:31 GMT -5
Alright, next RP, keep in mind two things:
1) It's long 2) When in doubt, refer to 1
Seriously, this fuckers big. REAL big. It would've been two RPs (It's marked out where one would've ended and the other would've begin: That's the cue for the reader to go for a toilet break) but limit so..yeah.
I hope its good enough to the standard of the main event. I included EVERYTHING I could think of...opponents, teammates, the importance, and a kooky little beginning which I hope a few people might enjoy (Or stone me for) I hope I got everyones characters right, and I did my best to write them as the handlers would write them. I even dug up information on Chance Fusion (The e-fedding equivalent of Where's Waldo?) and used some of that, so that should get me extra points right there, guys? GUYS?!
So, rate rate rate. One thing though: Keep the nagging about length to a minimum. Yes, it's long, yes, it will take you a while to read, but for Gods sake, just be glad its not ten seconds off the deadline. It'll take you maybe 10 minutes at the most to read it, 2 if you skim (I know, I just did.) So..yeah. With only a 1 RP limit, you should really know what to expect.
DAMMIT, GET FEEDBACKING!
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Post by irobin on Feb 25, 2011 11:43:07 GMT -5
*cricks neck*
Not as long as mine, Lucky boy. Get to it.
I can't exactly talk about strange introductions, but it was a bit odd. Worked though, kept me interesting, had match relevance and then made way for the real roleplay.
It's a good roleplay, covers all bases in terms of the Empire, the EUW, the overriding storylines... It's all been referenced, and, given the length, it bloody should be. Most characters seem pretty apt, although I'll admit that I know nothing of Chance Fusion, and the whole thing seemed to work well together as a roleplay. It shows the four members discussing things, developing strategies and plans for this huge match. Not the usual 1vA, 2vB stuff that we've seen as much as a plan for dealing with each one. Luck's getting into his role as the "General" and trying to take a more proactive role within the Empire and its affairs.
The length wasn't really an issue. Maybe that's just me, but I didn't find myself looking at the clock or anything whilst reading it. That said, I did notice one slight screw up - when the team talks about Roy, Fusion says that none of the group have faced him, but Scorpion beat him already. Possibly just Chance not being up to date on things, but it stuck out in my mind.
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Post by The Sky King on Feb 25, 2011 11:53:47 GMT -5
Aye, the Fusion things were because he was out of the loop, the same reason as to why he's confused about Scorpions attitude towards the name of Cross.
Glad the length didn't bear down upon you. I doubt other people will feel that way, but...I'm glad my RP did its job
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Feb 25, 2011 12:44:53 GMT -5
I enjoyed it. The length wasn't an issue though i wasn't a fan of the opening. But everything has it's purpose and the rp as a whole was great.
Since all but Chance's is in i'd like to say that i find it funny that every rp has Viper being easy cause he doesn't go for pinfalls yet this week was the week i decided to end that gimmick. Not saying it should effect the match just a funny thought.
Moving on to your RP Luck. I liked that it went from Luck's view to the groups view. Great writing on your part to use all the characters on your team.
Also the style kept it moving and you showed that while the Empire is a strong unit it has major flaws. The Ego's and agendas of all involved. It takes a brave and talented person to write about the things that could equal destruction. But that's the true test. To willingly say "hey we can possibly fall apart cause of greed" paints a bullseye on that aspect and can bring oversight to the opponents.
Great development plenty of match relevance and aside from Chance's slip up, which the others would have corrected, flawless. I loved it and wish you luck in two days
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Post by irobin on Feb 25, 2011 15:02:10 GMT -5
I mentioned the Chance thing because it wasn't entirely clear whether he was meant to be out of the loop or if it was a slip up. Scorpion never corrected him, so it read as if the rest of the team agreed. That's all. Since all but Chance's is in i'd like to say that i find it funny that every rp has Viper being easy cause he doesn't go for pinfalls yet this week was the week i decided to end that gimmick. Not saying it should effect the match just a funny thought.
Thing about that is... Realism. Your roleplay consists of Roy chatting to himself/Tai and to Kirk in the hospital, he hasn't gone off and done an interview like Sabora, nor has he made any other kind of public broadcast. He *was* the no-pin guy that only goes for submissions and until he either publicly says he's going for a pin, or, better yet, he wins a match with a pin, then the other wrestlers won't know that he's changed his mind. It's the sort of thing that, from next week onwards, people will be aware of, but this week, they don't know it. It takes time to get the message out.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Feb 25, 2011 19:31:24 GMT -5
Oh i know i just find it's funny I understand realism. its just when the submissions would be his big down fall i scrapped that idea. It's just funny how it happened. And i agree with the chance thing it was just my opinion that's all
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Post by Mr. C on Feb 28, 2011 6:42:45 GMT -5
I quite enjoyed this RP, as with all of the Mr. Luck pieces. The intro was stellar, you have a knack for storytelling of that capacity that I pridefully like to think I influence - but that's obviously not the case as I think you do it far better. It does not feel as if it doesn't fit, it makes sense, it is part of the RP, and if I wasn't afraid of being slagged for it, I would copy the style of putting opponent names after each paragraph where the things correlate. It was done brilliantly.
And as for the rest of the RP, that was done quite well, too. I enjoy how the match was approached, how it's Luck being smart about things, how all of the bases are covered, how he organized a team meeting to keep a team that should not be a team, well, working as a team. And as for length, pah, it had to be for this kind of match! I'd like to match a criticism with each piece of praise, but I can not think of a critique for this RP. Writing a smart character and these interactions between him, his entourage, and his Empire team mates is your strength, but with this RP you showed it's not the only thing you're good at. Keep going, friend!
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Post by The Sky King on Mar 28, 2011 11:29:42 GMT -5
Okay, Part IVs up.
To be quite frank, I found it a chore writing this one. I want to write a second part to it, but right now, RPings the last thing on my mind. I'm getting dangerously close to burning myself out, as evidenced by this RP. My ideas are running dry since my character is pretty much not doing much in concerns to the actual storyline (and thus is leading me dangerously close to the horrible "What's the point?" mindset), and because I have to do this hand in hand with two assignments (As I found out yesterday, I have yet another one to do, which is fucking excellent) so it kind of took the back-burner. Either way, I spent some time re-reading it, edited it and did what I could to make it partially readable. It's either readable or not. You guys are the judges of that..That being said, it's either great, or its turd. I feel there's no real in-between here.
I purposefully cut down the length seeing as how that seems to be a primary complaint amongst people both here and in e-fedding in general, so I decided to hack this RP short a few lines earlier than intended.
So, y'know, rate it /10, give me some points on what the hell I can do for the second part etc; etc;
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Post by primetime on Mar 28, 2011 11:33:51 GMT -5
Okay, Part IVs up. To be quite frank, I found it a chore writing this one. I want to write a second part to it, but right now, RPings the last thing on my mind. I'm getting dangerously close to burning myself out, as evidenced by this RP. My ideas are running dry since my character is pretty much not doing much in concerns to the actual storyline (and thus is leading me dangerously close to the horrible "What's the point?" mindset), Ouch. Read your pm. And to anyone else feeling the same way, pm me. I have a lot of people to juggle and make it actually click storyline wise. Sometimes people fall through the cracks. That is not my intention at all.
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James
Veteran
The EUW's Resident Superhero!
Posts: 917
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Post by James on Mar 28, 2011 18:29:44 GMT -5
Phil - you've always been one of my favorite writers here and I think this Rubicon project was an incredibly risky undertaking but I think it paid off. I really enjoyed the story and some of the parallels it drew - it also came out in the writing you had for the subject matter as well. I'm incredibly sorry you feel the way you do and it saddens me saying 'why bother' because you can tell in your writing that you enjoy it and personally, I like seeing the red LVC at the top of the promo board. There are a lot of people that write character development in a sense that you do, however your ability to draw it back into wrestling is awe inspiring - so much so that I did a similar thing representing EUW/KoP at Survive and Conquer this year.
I truly hope you continue to write mate.
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Post by Obi on Mar 28, 2011 23:24:09 GMT -5
Phil,
You know I got respect for not only you, but your writing. This week, you did a fine job. I never really got the feeling that the LVC were a side show to this story. I think I have an answer to your problems though. Let's talk..
Anyway, I got your back. Don't lose hope.
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Post by irobin on Mar 29, 2011 5:32:43 GMT -5
I read it and for the main part, I liked it. Came in three sections, each different to the other two, but as a style it worked and gave full coverage to the emotions and feelings of the LVC without lending to repeating the same words over and over again. It's a very creative style of writing, with the Roman allusions that make it rather unique compared to any other roleplaying that I have seen and there's not really anything there to fault you on.
I can't profess to have noticed any sort of "why bother?" Attitude within the roleplay, but a very powerful feeling of dissatisfaction instead. Both men are clearly unhappy with their place and their opponents, seeking bigger prey and more recognition as a result. It's a desire for more, although this is portrayed in a rather negative context.
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Skye
Prospect
EUW In-Ring Announcer[/color]
The cake is NOT a lie!
Posts: 578
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Post by Skye on Mar 29, 2011 6:17:09 GMT -5
I agree with Jace; I didn't notice any 'why bother' notes to the RP either. I felt the tone of piece went well with where the team is in the standings and the company. I've been enjoying the whole Roman theme as well, it goes hand in hand with Vegas in my mind (not having been there, I tend to always think Caesar's Palace I too, can understand the disappointment in the change of venue, if you'd been planning a RP around it for a while. But that's what separates the better writers from the banal - the ability to adapt to changes in the storyline, character shift, etc. You done good, imho.
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CJ
Prospect
Booze Head
Posts: 295
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Post by CJ on Mar 29, 2011 16:21:24 GMT -5
Okay, first of all I need to say something. I really want to have sex with Skye's poser....
Okay, I got that out.
Next, what the fuck are you talking about man? I love your character and hardly see him as a background player. The LVC just didn't have any real competition beyond the Dogs of War is all. Guess what though? You do now. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!
As for your roleplay, it was great, dude.
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Post by The Sky King on Mar 31, 2011 14:31:30 GMT -5
Alright, the next parts up. I decided that, since a lot of my other RP was match-relevant, I'd toss in a bit more character development, just so the two RPs even eachother out.
It's longer, but I don't apologise for that. Read it please. Make a cuppa if you have to. I definitely cut some parts out.
I'm hoping this one clinches the match, or at least entertains people. Seeing as how I got some positive feedback for the Roman parts, I hope this satisfies y'all.
Just for the record, Hettus and Davus are constructs in each persons head, not ancestors or some crazy shit like that.
EDIT: Once the work load loosens, I'll start regularly handing out feedback. Active Staff Duties + Match Writing + University + RP = One tired dude.
If it feels a little cluttered, say so in here and i'll figure a better way to symbolize between daydreams and actual real time in the RP. I apologise in advance if that's a complaint.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Apr 2, 2011 18:50:14 GMT -5
Anyway, I'll be handing out feedback over the weekend/once I finish my match. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about y'all. You sure you haven't? Anyway. Loved them. both of them. As much as i'd rather put the undefeated streak of The Jeckel Brothers against your titles luck i can say i'm glad i didn't have to for B2R. You would have won. That said i feel sorry for your opponents. solid works man. Good luck
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Post by The Sky King on Apr 19, 2011 17:03:42 GMT -5
Before I post my next RP tomorrow, can I get some feedback on my RP versus F1? euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=mnsrps&action=display&thread=5871It's not my best, but i'm curious as to what people thought of it. I decided to head more towards character development than the match in general. At this point, I really want people to hate Luck. Like, really hate him. I'm trying to get it across that people really should despise this guy. My next RP is a lot more polished and..well, was more exciting to write. But I want to know how this one went. EDIT: Also, I'm thinking of changing the name of the Las Vegas Commission to suit the more Roman theme i'm adopting. The LVC just doesn't really feel like it matches the overall characters anymore.
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Post by The Sky King on Apr 20, 2011 11:39:46 GMT -5
I loved this RP. I loved writing it, what else can be better? It's an early one from me, so that should say it all. I had ideas on my head and got writing them down..Needless to say that such a big match sometimes needs a second RP to cap it up. It's on its way, gentlemen. Since i'm wanting to challenge the Big Dog, I'm not just starting a fire, I'm summoning the sun. EVerything you read at this point is leading up to that one point, where I hope to God that I can bring back that Meltdown charm for long enough to make history. I cut out the original ending for this RP and placed it onto the next one so the two RPs would feel like one flowing piece, as opposed to two different seperate pieces. And you wouldn't want to hurt your ass sitting down on it for hours trying to read one of my longer RPs, would you? The ending is going to be something which really solidifies the Commission as a team, and not just three random guys playing tag-along. So yeah, rate it. Sure, it's a big read, but i'm sure some of you have read books without pictures, so I trust some of you will take the time to read and rate Oh yeah, a second part will be up next week following on from this RP. Hopefully, it can be read as one flowing RP..
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Post by Mr. C on Apr 20, 2011 13:34:21 GMT -5
I like how match relevance is done in the RPs. The training, the planning, the motivating. It was especially interesting to have it also go beyond simply "So here we have Luck punching a speedbag and thinking he's really strong this week." It's done in a way that makes sense both from a training standpoint and a character standpoint. Everything in the RPs make sense, down to the minor details and atleast for this reader it doesn't go unnoticed. But the great part of the RP is not just the details, it's how it's written.
To be fair, this RP is massive, and there are a handful of big blocks of text, but atleast for me I had no problem getting through them. The Luck character's interesting, the interactions with his team are interesting, and it's all-in-all fun to read. It has a way of being relevant, but in a way that I can't seem to master myself, a way that is still enjoyable to read. At it's core, it's three guys prepping for the match and talking to each other, but I still read the entire thing. When I step back and admire it for what it is, a RP that's 100% fun and 100% match relevance, I find myself thoroughly impressed. That's what I like most about the writing. Fancy gimmicks and storylines aside, it's a RP for an e-fed in its true sense, and it works phenomenally.
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Post by Commissioner Warrior™ on Apr 29, 2011 16:47:04 GMT -5
So I'm just going to say first that my least favorite thing about this entire roleplay is the little separators that are a bunch of equal signs. It's stretching the page, and bothers me. I know that has nothing to do with the writing, but it's annoying to me. Also, it actually makes it feel longer because it seems like the stretch is hiding the length and it takes long to make progress down a page. Okay, on to the writing itself.
It took me a while to get going in it. Once you started with the talk about training with ancient weapons it seemed like the writing had gotten better and more interesting. A small little thing about grammar that I wouldn't have mentioned but I noticed you made the mistake quite a few times so I just wanted to point it out so you'd think about it later. Putting an apostrophe to show possession. Like "Zack's" versus "Zacks" or "Luck's" versus "Lucks." You left out the apostrophe more often than not. I make typos too, but this one consistently happened in places so I felt I'd bring it to light just so you'd realize it.
I liked the little "How do you do it? Show emotion and then not show emotion?" thing. I really liked that.
Okay. It's not a bad piece by any means, but a lot of it feels forced. There were some great and interesting sections and some lulls as well. I don't know if that really has to do with the length or not. Because had there not been those lulls, the length wouldn't have seemed like an issue. My favorite thing about it is not the writing itself but the story. Tom mentioned it and I'll echo it. The basic idea of it is great. It's all about getting ready for the match, in great and unique and 'godlike' ways.
I just felt like the idea could've been pulled off better. This roleplay in itself is good, but it felt like it could've been better. I couldn't pin a nail on exactly what may have made it felt this way or what would make it better, but that's my input either way. It has left me interested to see the next one, I will say that much. (With that, I see your other has gone up as well. When I get the time to I'll read that one as well and edit this post with my feedback on it too and the two as a whole.)
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