Mr. Lucks Feedback Topic

[Diabolik]

Sept 4, 2010 9:25:07 GMT -5 The Sky King said:

So:

- Develop Luck more as a silver-tongued person.
- Put Zack into the background more, or at least make Luck more of a show-stealer.
- Focus on a set storyline.
- Develop the characters more.
- Bring Luck back into his old stride: More vulgar, more self-absorbed, more narcissistic, a real dickhead.


Can you clarify what you mean by substance?

By substance I mainly meant story and character development.

And I didn't mean to put Zack more in the background, but I think with Luck back into his old stride, he'd be more of a show-stealer than Zack anyway. I just think that at present, Zack is the more interesting character.

[The Sky King]

Right, well, I can tell you that I will be changing the RP style over the next few weeks. Obviously, this weeks won't be explicitly better since it's already half-written (Although I am adding more comedy and more of Lucks old character into it), but over the next few weeks there WILL be a marked improvement. I guarantee it.

[The Sky King]

Now accepting feedback for: Nobodies Perfect

Ok, i've put Luck back onto the line of his old character. He's slowly getting there, and it'll become more obvious over the next week. This weeks RP didn't have a set story, so if it drags on and lacks substance etc; all I can do is say "Hold your horses."

I've got a storyline to kick in next week, I've drawn up a plan for the next few months (Literally, wrote down ideas and where the characters will go and how they will develop.) so all I can say is: Rate this one critically, rate this one harshly, and next weeks should be back to my usual standard.

[The Sky King]

After seeing this weeks result and being surprised (Honestly thought we'd lose), I'd like some feedback, please.

Normally i'd have criteria and shit open, but I just want straight forward feedback: What you liked, what you didn't like, how I could improve. Thank you in advance.

[The Sky King]

Bump

C'mon you lazy pack of bastards! I haven't had feedback in a month!

[Sabora]

I attempted to read a rp from you for this period and didn't see one? I will leave feedback for you as soon as you get one up. Perhaps X moved your rp on accident into the archives. I will go look.

[The Sky King]

I'm asking for feedback for the RP I did for the last show, since it's been so long and i'd like to know how it's coming along.

[Sabora]

Okay, Mr. Luck. I have found your last roleplay as I said I would. Let's get to a review for you. I would like to review the my overall feeling about the series thus far as I feel that would serve you better on the whole.

(Plus, my reviews usually end up way too nit picky, partially because I am that way about my own stuff.)

Main Pros of your series.

• Great character development.
  
• Great interactions and dialog
  
• Match points are fluid, to the point, and brought with a flare all your own.
  

Cons.

• Some can teeter on the long side.
  
• I wasn't a fan of the title "OoOoO The Pact Finale OoOoO"
  
• I had a problem on a few entries deciphering who was saying what.
  

Okay, that is the quick summary of it all. Now, I want to say something about your series to this point. I enjoy the character that is Mister Luck. He can be funny but at times edgy, bringing a defined style all to his own. I often wonder if Big Dave or Zack should also compete, as they interest me as well. This means that you are bringing along all of your characters nicely in my opinion.

Prior to this Pure Title storyline, I felt you were floundering about at times, and searching for an angle to grab a hold of so you can roll along once more. This Pure Title feud really has brought you back to the creative side, perhaps even inspiring you to push your writing abilities like the Phil of old. That's awesome when that happens. Trying to come up with an angle is a pain in the ass for sure. When things are clicking though.. it's great. Right now, you are clicking to say the least.

I am a person who tends to write too long at times, so I am also guilty of this. With that being said, a few of your entries carried on a bit too long, and could have benefited from an earlier departure. That is just an opinion of mine however and nothing more.

"I was going to carve my own path, and the bones of Cross and Laurel were going to pave it."

That was an amazing quote from you. I loved that quote as it brought that edge that I feel Luck is ready for. This Pure Title means alot to him, and I could feel it. Everyone has that feud where their character grows and finally finds his place. I feel you may be right on the verge of it.. if not already in the middle of it.

Keep up the great job and do not let up for a minute. Continue to convey Luck's charisma as you have, maybe a little less of his entourage would be good, (Though I wonder if they are integral to the formula?) and I think you might be the favorite going into Prestige. Oh, and I would like to offer you the advice you gave me as you prepare for an important match. Carpe Diem.

I hope this review fits the bill. Take care, Phil

-Chris.

[The Sky King]

Thank you for the lengthy feedback! i don't mind nitpicking reviews since at least it gives me focus on the areas where I would normally overlook.

- I'll fix the titles. I know it's one length Finale series, but it's given me the angle to focus on and so ending it is a bit elongated (The current angle will end at Prestige though, but I do have another angle to focus on afterwards)
- I agree that a lot of my RPs drag. I'll throw my hands up and say guilty, but it's the way I (unfortunately) write, since I find that if I try and cut it out it ends up being..jerky, not flowing and smooth. I will find a way to improve that, though.
- About the difficulty understanding whose speaking..Perhaps a colour coding speech system would help?

Also, yes, Lucks entourage are integral to the formula. I find that if I base things heavily on Luck, it ends up being slightly two-dimensional, and that his character certainly wouldn't have an "oomph" or a charisma to it. With Big Dave and Zack, it gives the character the opportunity to add a larger dimension to him, give him more of a face than a simple "This is my gimmick, I will now focus on it for my RP", it makes him more..human, which is what i'm trying to focus on (Considering Meltdown was perhaps as unhuman as possible). However, I do understand your point and it is perhaps something I will attempt to focus on in later RPs.

Thank you for the feedback, it is much appreciated!

[The Sky King]

Bump for this week.

[The Sky King]

RATE: The Pact Finale Part V and The Pact Finale


This is it: The storyline has been wrapped up. Luck feels much closer to Dave and Zack then when we first met him, and sees those two men as brothers, loving and respecting them much more than his own father! Speaking of Lucks father, can he win that auction? After that, will he simply disappear from Lucks life?

We're going from one storyline into anothr, and the result at Prestige will affect the outcome of where I head from here. One things for sure: If I do win, I won't be slowing down on my game anytime soon.

But maybe i'm being too ahead: Did The Pact finish strong?

It's purpose was to:

• Introduce Luck, Dave and Zack deeper.
  
• Introduce Amos and Lucks dysfunctional background (This will be expanded on later)
  
• Build a relationship between the three "protagonists"

How did it do? Did it succeed? Did it fail? Is there anything specific you'd like to see in future roleplays? (Lucks mother, perhaps?)

Please rate and be critical: I got where I am thanks to the feedback a few gave me, and with further help I can go higher.

[The Sky King]

RATE: After the Sunset Part I

Alright, I got this one up early because i'm word processing my RPs instead of on Proboards (For some reason, Proboards doesn't pick up my keystrokes as fast, so word processing means minimal mistakes.) There will be a second part coming up, but whether it will be a SNV or Locker Room RP will depend on how busy Scorpion is (Don't want to sandbag him.)

I've introduced Lucks mother into the RPs, now, and she’s definitely a large contrast to his father. Expect some more focus on Lucks parents as the RPs go on.

How was this RP? I’d love some feedback for once, considering how high the stakes are and how brilliant my opponent is. I’m worried the RP is a little slow, since I’m starting off a new angle..I hope it is still passable, though.

So..come on, critique, I’ll bump this fucker if I don’t get any!

[F1]

Well, personally I thought the whole second part of the rp was great! The conversation between you and Zack was on point and commical as well. The analogies were outstanding man, you definitely got a couple of grins out of me. The entrance of your mom definitely made her presence known and it seems that's the kind of person she is. I look to see much more to come from you and build upon this. I don't have much to critique, I like the way it turned out. A real gem.

[The Sky King]

Feedback: After the Sunset Part II

Alright, this is it: A new start and a new edge on the character. I dropped the colouring of speech and decided to describe whose talking. If reading it is too difficult, just gimme feedback or else i'll find it to be acceptable.

I'm proud of this RP. Very proud. I think (I fucking hope) that i've stumbled upon a winning formula here. Of course, it all lies on how the rest of you feel about it.

I have a feeling length will be an issue here, but i'm going back to my Meltdown roots, and writing stories rather than RPs.

I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Lucks new attitude will be explored in-depth in next weeks RP...and don't worry, I'll be exploring his family again. I just needed to initiate another kickstart to get me back on the winning track.

[primetime]

Alright, let me review it.

Let me just get the negative out first. It's better to end on a positive note.

Length. In my opinion it was WAY too long. I actually had to step away and finish reading it later. No exaggeration. Cut down on the size or break it into two roleplays for me, please?

Alright, that being said, I loved it. Mr. Luck seems made for the tag team scene to me and I have always enjoyed your supporting cast. You had a great sense of description in that rp and the losing of the rainbow color scheme helped me a lot. The switch to a more story related scheme paid off for you. Very good stuff man. Just work on that length issue and I think you will be back on the road to kicking ass. Very good job, Phil. Thumbs up!

[The Sky King]

So ditch the length? Got it. As I said, I had a feeling it would be an issue, so it's something i'll work on for the next card.

Thanks for the feedback!

[primetime]

Dec 5, 2010 16:59:45 GMT -5 The Sky King said:

So ditch the length? Got it. As I said, I had a feeling it would be an issue, so it's something i'll work on for the next card.

Thanks for the feedback!

No problem at all. Keep in mind, that was the only thing I found wrong in that rp. So no big deal. Others may feel your length was fine though.

[The Sky King]

Alright, some feedback for this one would be appreciated. I felt it would be best to do a good ol' promo instead of a story (Since that seems to be the right way to go about thing nowadays)

I actually had to cut the length down. Microsoft Word is fucking deceiving when it comes to length. I'll write an RP, and wham! Paste it into EUW and you've already used 40,000 characters up! Nevertheless, this ones around 15,000 characters shorter than Part II. I cut out as much padding as I could without making the progress disjointed, and made as many references to the match as possible when I wasn't writing the main body of the promo. I wanted to make it seem like this match, despite what they were doing, was still at the forefront of their minds.

Hope this is good enough. Hope it's short enough to read without boredom..I'll probably be putting out a second part this week, so if anyone has any qualms..I'll improve them.

[The Cobra Viper]

I liked it. With Jace doing a promo it worked out really well since it almost felt like they were fighting back and forth with each other with what they said.

A few small errors. not bolded here not italicized there. coma's and such but nothing that took away from the overall greatness of this promo. I personally miss the color coding but that's just me.

Also when you talked about Jace and how he compared himself to Sabora it made me want him to have to eat his words. I don't know about everyone else but i would love to now see Sabora vs Jace just to see Jace be forced to back up his words. Might be down the line but still would be funny.

You stirred the pot and got me fired up for you match and that's what an rp is suppose to do. Get the people interested in you not your opponent. Congrats luck you got this. Though i'd like you to return this favor.

Look forward to reading PART 2

[irobin]

I'll start by saying that this is the first of your RPs I've actually read. I looked at some of the others, saw the length and decided that as they weren't relevant to me, I didn't need to read them. Now you're an opponent and, whilst I've already laid my cards on the table, I still need to read it. So, here goes nothing.

Still long. Not as long as the previous one and not an unmanageable length, but still a long roleplay. That's not a problem, but I did find that the first part dragged a little whilst it was getting going and it picked up once the two actually got talking to Rodgers and began mentioning the match. I wouldn't call it "dull" because it wasn't, but I read a few paragraphs and hoped that it wasn't all going to be like that.

I might also mention that there are a lot of expletives. Way more than I expected. Does help with making Luck come across as a douchebag (especially when coupled with his treatment of Rodgers) which is all a part of his character. He comes across as nasty, unpleasant, rude... All the stuff about a guy that no-one wants to hang out with. In many ways, Jace and Luck are pretty similar, but in my own eyes, Luck is by far the more unpleasant of the two, he's actively cruel and vicious, whilst Jace is just cocky. Luck's the sort of guy that you might, loathe and hope you have nothing more to do with.

As for the roleplay, well, couple of errors here and there but we all make those and it's not a big deal. Ticks the boxes for being on target with the match, covering past/future events and adding a bit of character to stuff. Despite the slow start, it picked up and ended well. Did the job of stirring the pot, as Viper said, getting people into a match that, in a sense, is perhaps a bit of a dull match. Compared to the card, having two teams from the same stable facing off might seem rather bland, so it is necessary to draw people in. Get them worked up.

However, more than anything (and this may be a personal note), I was glad to see that it played off of my roleplay last week. I do tend to read roleplays here, just to see what's going on, to see if I get any feel for my own level and any ideas that I like and think I can use. One thing I haven't seen too much is for one person to play off of another roleplay. I've always liked to see the back and forth between people, where they respond to comments made by others in interviews as fuel for their own roleplay. In this one, that does mean you paid much more attention to Jace than Fallen One, but I'm sure that the second may remedy that (especially if you're hanging on to respond to his RP).

[The Sky King]

Alright,i'd like some feedback on "Rubicon". Not as good as my BRH effort (I'm swamped by work so I couldn't bust out a super-duper-omega RP without cutting close to the deadline, although I might get another up before the week is out.) but hopefully, it's something that will at least have people go "Eh, it's alright.". It's another large promo, it's got Ancient Rome references in it (Read a Luck RP, Learn Stuff!) so just give it a read. Don't expect it to be heart-stopping though.

I put in a little something which will allow me to focus on something in the coming months as well, just in case anything seemed out of place. I need something new to work with.