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Post by irobin on Jan 2, 2011 14:40:36 GMT -5
So, I had originally planned to wait until I'd written a few more roleplays before putting up a feedback topic as I'm more interested in general tips and feedback on my character and style, rather than focusing on an individual roleplay. It's all well and good to say that an individual roleplay was alright and then give ways to improve it, but once that piece is up, it's done with. Not like re-writing an essay in college or anything like that. That said, I will take all and any feedback, good and bad, especially in relation to my latest roleplay which can be found here. I think it's my best piece so far and I feel like I'm finally managing to get to grips with the Jace character. Long story short, I've been out of E-Feds for about 8 years and Jace is a brand new character to me (And very different to the pyromaniac monster heel I used to play) so I've been wallowing around a little trying to find his core. With this roleplay I think I've finally started to hit on something, so I would be very appreciative of feedback on it. I've done away with the colour coding (In truth, it was just laziness on my part to write a script, rather than story) and tried to make it read more like a piece of actual writing and less like a roleplay. I've looked at the comments left in the other feedback topics for other people and tried to take on board anything that might help, so here's hoping I've found my mark. Right. Three, two, one... Discuss! |
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James
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Post by James on Jan 3, 2011 1:36:13 GMT -5
I told Jaden I would step up on the feedback in the New Year, so here goes nothing.
I liked the first person story as opposed to the script in this setting. I've dabbled in both and find that interactions often come across smoother with the story style, as opposed to a script which can often look 'blocky' and it's really easy to slip away from the writing. I didn't have that happening here which I felt was a real plus.
As far as the content, it's noticeable that Jason isn't what you're quite accustomed to - but it almost adds a flair to the role play to me. It could be that I'm trying to hard, but it almost presents a level of doubt in his mind that everything he possesses is merely used to hide the insecurities. The interview is something that is used too often in the wrong way and yet for this match I felt it really worked well. It allowed you to continue to develop Jace while also keeping a focus on the match and what's the future. You have Jack his own distinct voice which I thought was really well done. I know personally that when I do interviews the interviewer to me reads very stale and dis-interesting so I barely do them because I wouldn't imagine people would make it through.
I also like that there seems to be room for growth in the character - he's hyped himself up and he's really accomplished very little in EUW in comparison to a number of others, but he's talking the talk, which poses the question will he walk the walk? To me as a fan I want to see Jace lose because I'm jealous of what he is and how he flaunts it, but I also I want him to lose to see how handles this. It sounds bad to wish that on you - but I don't think it is. I rarely feel that in regards to heel writing, I'm often indifferent but that's how I should feel. You played your role excellent, which is funny considering you were trying more to write than role play. I think the subtlety of it actually added to the overall role play.
As far as negatives, I'd really be reaching for something so I'm not going to - I also think that this is just the beginning and critiquing this piece wouldn't do either of us justice. I'm looking forward to what Amazing has for us in the near future and the continued development of him as a character.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Jan 6, 2011 11:39:17 GMT -5
Way to start the year. The Amazing one was sure full of himself and hid his doubt with his mouth. As Holly mention he can sure talk the talk.
To me it slowed down in the middle but picked back up nicely. I liked how you continued to bash Jack helping me to remember that he was present since i got a little lost with the Amazing one always ranting about himself.
Overall really good and very reliant in my opinion. Nice way to explore your character in his second match of his carrier.
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Post by irobin on Jan 19, 2011 7:46:28 GMT -5
I've just seen that I never actually thanked Roy and Dante for the feedback now. Apologies guys, the feedback was read and appreciated last time, sorry I didn't say that sooner. Looks like you got your wish though, Dante... Anyway, how do you make a big start to your singles career after you got beaten by two members of your own stable and your partner turned on you at the PPV? Simple. You get your RP in earlier and come out all guns blazing. Let me know what you all think, please, I'm always keen for any sort of meaningful feedback, good, bad or otherwise. People don't know shit about Jason Ambrose |
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Jan 19, 2011 9:02:27 GMT -5
-few grammical errors but nothing that took away from the over all hatred in the story.
-Amazing use of BRH results and portraying Jace as a broken man.
-Was a tad slow in the middle but the start and finish were strong.
- Overall I did enjoy it. You went into the darkness that most suffer when they lose that early after that much hype. Great images were used and it was amazing to see Jace rag on everyone even people he hasn't taken the time to meet.
-There were some walls of text but nothing that went past the point of needing a break.
Really liked it great showing for Jace.
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Post by Obi on Jan 19, 2011 12:07:39 GMT -5
I enjoyed it, man. Great story. I can't find much wrong with it, myself. You have a firm grasp on your character. I couldn't help but feel a little angst while reading it in regards to how your character may have been written? If so, that is my fault and I apologize. I was given that match to write with an hour to spare so it was more about just plain out writing a good match and less on personalities of the characters. I do not usually do that, so I am sorry again. It was a time issue.
Maybe I just read too far into it though and that could be due to the well thought out writing. Either way, I am enjoying your character quite a bit. Not just the way he is written but the way he is presented on the show. I see a bright future ahead of you.
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Post by irobin on Jan 19, 2011 12:32:23 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback guys, much appreciated.
That comment wasn't a shot at the match writer, it was a shot at something Luck had said in one of his roleplays the week before. He had talked about the tag match being split, that F1 and Big Dave would match each other for sheer strength, whilst Luck and Jace would go for speedy offence. He talked about it as a big guy/little guy strong/speedy team, when Jace is a brawler and power wrestler more than anything. It wasn't a shot at the idea that the "fans" were thinking like Luck, that Jace was the small guy that went for speed rather than power.
The STF bit is to do with Roy Viper's match where he won by locking in an STF, Jace is just commenting that whilst high flying is entertaining, it's risky, whereas submission wrestling is safe and dull. It's meant to be Jace saying that he delivers a mix of explosive brawling that entertains without leaving putting his own body on the line. Jace will take risks if he has to, but he'd prefer to play it safe without boring the fans.
I've got no complaints with how Jace has been written at all by anyone, I guess I'm just trying to use this as a chance to establish his wrestling style better. Sorry if it came across that way, man, the last thing I want to do is come across as some guy writing a shoot here!
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Post by primetime on Jan 19, 2011 12:34:09 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback guys, much appreciated. That comment wasn't a shot at the match writer, it was a shot at something Luck had said in one of his roleplays the week before. He had talked about the tag match being split, that F1 and Big Dave would match each other for sheer strength, whilst Luck and Jace would go for speedy offence. He talked about it as a big guy/little guy strong/speedy team, when Jace is a brawler and power wrestler more than anything. It wasn't a shot at the idea that the "fans" were thinking like Luck, that Jace was the small guy that went for speed rather than power. The STF bit is to do with Roy Viper's match where he won by locking in an STF, Jace is just commenting that whilst high flying is entertaining, it's risky, whereas submission wrestling is safe and dull. It's meant to be Jace saying that he delivers a mix of explosive brawling that entertains without leaving putting his own body on the line. Jace will take risks if he has to, but he'd prefer to play it safe without boring the fans. I've got no complaints with how Jace has been written at all by anyone, I guess I'm just trying to use this as a chance to establish his wrestling style better. Sorry if it came across that way, man, the last thing I want to do is come across as some guy writing a shoot here! lol. You were fine. Obi is a perfectionist when it comes to this shit. He likes to make sure people are cool with the matches he writes for them. Unlike me, who prefers you to be angry and wanting to lynch me.  |
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Post by Obi on Jan 19, 2011 18:35:28 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback guys, much appreciated. That comment wasn't a shot at the match writer, it was a shot at something Luck had said in one of his roleplays the week before. He had talked about the tag match being split, that F1 and Big Dave would match each other for sheer strength, whilst Luck and Jace would go for speedy offence. He talked about it as a big guy/little guy strong/speedy team, when Jace is a brawler and power wrestler more than anything. It wasn't a shot at the idea that the "fans" were thinking like Luck, that Jace was the small guy that went for speed rather than power. The STF bit is to do with Roy Viper's match where he won by locking in an STF, Jace is just commenting that whilst high flying is entertaining, it's risky, whereas submission wrestling is safe and dull. It's meant to be Jace saying that he delivers a mix of explosive brawling that entertains without leaving putting his own body on the line. Jace will take risks if he has to, but he'd prefer to play it safe without boring the fans. I've got no complaints with how Jace has been written at all by anyone, I guess I'm just trying to use this as a chance to establish his wrestling style better. Sorry if it came across that way, man, the last thing I want to do is come across as some guy writing a shoot here! |
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Post by irobin on Jan 19, 2011 18:44:00 GMT -5
No worries, man, I'm glad it's all cleared up. I had thought that maybe it was a bizarre compliment that my writing had you actually feeling Jace's frustration. ;D
Not entirely sure how I feel about lynching a guy's that just undergone a pretty serious operation. I'll wait until you're fit again Jaden and then see what we can do.
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Post by The Sky King on Jan 25, 2011 6:34:33 GMT -5
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW. Your RP this week was off the fucking charts.
1) Your RP had passion. The loss at Blood Red Horizons seems to have motivated your character and you as a writer, and it is coming through loud and clearly in this RP. There is nothing greater than reading a RP which is fuelled by emotion. Maybe it didn't, maybe I'm reading into it too much? All I can say is that it was brilliant.
2) Your use of other peoples RPs and the match results is top-notch. The way you have Ambrose rebut them is also amazing. You manage to do it while keeping the RP relevant to the match-in-hand.
3) Awesome promo is awesome. It was witty, it cut a swath in the roster, and it felt like something Ambrose would say coming off of a loss. I think this shows you are more than capable of handling your character, which is going to skyrocket you to success if you keep a firm on grasp on it.
I cannot say much more. It really was an awesome roleplay..Fun to read and passionate. Great job!
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Post by irobin on Jan 26, 2011 3:44:59 GMT -5
Thanks a lot, Luck. Positive feedback is, well, positive. Always good to be told nice things. ;D
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Post by irobin on Feb 5, 2011 12:40:01 GMT -5
Well, my effort's up now. I should think it's probably clear to anyone that knows me that I'm not entirely happy with it, because I know it's not my best work, but I've read it, re-read it and reworked it time and time again. I also can't think of anything else to run with, so that's about it. I fear I have made a rod for my own back with my effort last time around. It was good, and I knew it and, until I better it, that will be the yardstick by which I compare all future roleplays and I fear that this time around I have fallen some way short. Last time around, I was frustrated and annoyed and pissed off with the world, which then came through in the roleplay, because Jace and I were of a similar mindset. This time around, I'm feeling fairly meh, which is an emotion I do not want to convey in any roleplay, ever, although I think it may be seeping into this one. Anyway, guys, I still want feedback, even if it is just to confirm my own opinion on this roleplay. With a week left to go, I'm holding out for some kind of genuine inspiration to fuel me into writing something good. A Fateful Encounter |
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Post by The Sky King on Feb 5, 2011 17:04:19 GMT -5
This one was pretty good. I think it kept up the momentum you had gained from last week...The only thing I think was wrong was that the opening was long. Unusually long, and I was sitting there thinking "What the hell is he doing?" until it cuts to Jace watching the movie. Don't get me wrong, it was actually quite interesting and exciting to read, and the depth of description was unbelievable, but I felt it drawed on for too long.
That's the only fault I could find. When the opening cuts out, you get back into that brilliantly-intense way which you analyse your opponents. I loved how long you focused on the match, and you could really tell how much Jace wants to beat Warrior. The promo at the end was the icing on the cake of quite a very well-written promo.
I personally don't think you missed a step from your winning effort on the last card. It was definitely interesting, and aside from a slow, bizarre start, it picked up the pace and finished with a bang.
Great work, once again.
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F1
Veteran
Got Girl Problems? F1!
Posts: 985
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Post by F1 on Feb 6, 2011 4:58:28 GMT -5
Pretty solid. I really liked all the description in the movie and how Jace brought reference to it as well. That right there made it all intertwine and made that segment worth it. Jace's focus on his match and his history thus far in EUW shows that he is a knowledgable opponent and seems prepared for just about anything that is to be thrown at him at SNV. It's also clear that Jace has a certain mindset and a battle plan, now to see him begin to carry that out will be an excellent way for Jace to continue his ascent. Overall though, I really liked the flow of the rp as well as the description and conversation pieces, the interview was classic Jace. Another job well done.
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Post by irobin on Feb 6, 2011 5:20:57 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback, guys.
I expected a bit of "WTF" reaction to the first section, but, eh. I write for pleasure and, occasionally, I write some crazy stuff with tenuous links to match relevance. It's largely inspired by the way Brett Cross RPs work, with a viking story and some match stuff, but I can see how it's a bit of a bizarre one.
Thanks for the feedback though, I'm glad to know it worked out alright as I genuinely feared that this was a swing and a miss on my part.
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F1
Veteran
Got Girl Problems? F1!
Posts: 985
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Post by F1 on Feb 6, 2011 6:47:02 GMT -5
No problem and I think that it actually worked out pretty good. I liked how the beginning portion became quite relevant as the story went on. Great job on your part right there. That's something not often accomplished successfully with the style you took on that rp.
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Post by dragon on Feb 8, 2011 11:52:57 GMT -5
I enjoyed it.
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Post by irobin on Feb 22, 2011 9:23:37 GMT -5
So, here we go... Click here for a long roleplayI'll start by admitting that this is a monstrous roleplay. So, I apologise for that. I got into it, starting writing and then realised far too late that I had written far too much. So, yeah, sorry about that. It's a big match, so I sat down determined to put out my best after feeling that last week's wasn't up to much. Now I'm concerned that I've gone from bizarre and irrelevant to dull. Eesh. Secondly, I'll throw in the Obi disclaimer and say it's all Jace and all in character. Please don't take anything to heart guys, Jace isn't the most respectful of wrestlers, he looks down on everyone. I think you're all talented writers and capable of great things. Remember that he's just a fictional character. Anyway, as ever, feedback of all kinds is appreciated. |
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Feb 22, 2011 18:14:21 GMT -5
Secondly, I'll throw in the Obi disclaimer and say it's all Jace and all in character. Please don't take anything to heart guys, Jace isn't the most respectful of wrestlers, he looks down on everyone. I think you're all talented writers and capable of great things. Remember that he's just a fictional character.
much like with what i told titan I loved it. You used the past to undercut all your opponents and made the story great. I just hope i stack up and can compete with all the ppv quality rps |
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F1
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Got Girl Problems? F1!
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Post by F1 on Feb 24, 2011 8:02:12 GMT -5
Incredible rp. Entirely it is what could be expected of a champion but you've proved that for the past month now that you're champion caliber. So it seems you continue to grow and build upon even that some how. The description of the events, thoughts, and conversations throughout the rp were stellar. As for touching on every opponent and team mate as well as past and present experience in every facet was AMAZING. Plain and simple man, you display Jace as being the namesake of the Empire which has truely seemed the case as of late. That was an awesome and interesting read that I enjoyed 100%.
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