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Post by Justin King on Nov 16, 2010 17:40:25 GMT -5
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Post by Justin King on Nov 16, 2010 21:07:47 GMT -5
Thanks Sabora. I agree with you on the font, but I think it was just the way the layout was done. I'll see what I can come up with next time around.
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Post by Justin King on Dec 7, 2010 2:15:46 GMT -5
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Dec 7, 2010 9:03:10 GMT -5
For your first match I'll pat you on the back. Holy hell you extended that storyline well.
Pros. Some match relevance, random interview and plug, good character history, and never lost my interest.
Cons. Some of the colors either burned or were hard to read (personal taste doesn't really matter), Didn't talk about Danny more than a mention,
Tis all i see man. I wish you luck and can't wait for the blood to start flying. and one question. in the future TAJB?
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Post by Justin King on Dec 7, 2010 12:21:54 GMT -5
TAJB does sound like an idea.
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Post by irobin on Dec 7, 2010 17:10:05 GMT -5
I'm bored so it's feedback a-go-go.
First up, good to get some back story. You and Roy clearly have some history, nice to see that getting mentioned, also good to see some character development for Jackal. He's got an ex that he labels a bitch and she hates him back. Who can't relate to that?
That said, you've completely blown off Danny Tenfold here. Warrior gets as much of a mention in this RP as Danny and he isn't even in your match. That said, it's a pretty interesting roleplay and short of the lack of talk about Danny (it almost seems like a singles match between Jackal and Roy, with Danny as some guy stood at ringside watching) and the overall match/wrestling relevance was perhaps a little tenuous, too.
As for nitpicking, the style's a bit... Unusual. A parental advisory warning? Really? Word count? Tags? "cold.hearted.bitch.JESSICA.MARTINEZ"? It's possibly just preference but that reads strangely to me. Like it's a comic book or something, I don't know. Just feels a bit heavy and awkward. You're meant to make your roleplays easy to read. Which is a pity, as it was pretty interesting. Roy, news reporter, ex-girlfriend... You've covered a lot of ground there. Fast-paced, the RP held my interest well until the end. I also get the feeling that we'll see more of Miss Martinez before this is done.
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Post by Justin King on Dec 7, 2010 17:39:52 GMT -5
Everything that isn't in the RP is part of a layout that I use. It's just something I'm used to doing. Considering in places I've hung out at in the past, they used to have a limit on how long the RP can be, which, I personally think is retarded. Plus, the reason Danny didn't get much of a mention was because in Jackal's mind, Roy is more of a threat because they have history. There's no history with Danny, and in Jackal's eyes, Danny is pretty much a nobody. Also, as for the identifying characters that way, again, it's something I'm used to doing. Something else that I'm used to doing, is doing several short scenes in one RP, instead of one giant one that flowed together like that one did. And, if you're a good boy, Miss Martinez may do to you what she did to Jackal. But, that's another story for another day.
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Post by irobin on Dec 7, 2010 18:18:34 GMT -5
Word counts on roleplays do seem a bit odd, but I can see their merit. Gives a real focus on quality, not quantity.
Your style is your own, that's fine, I'm just saying that it's a bit unorthodox compared to a lot I've seen here. Not so much bad as just unusual and not the most free-flowing.
Might I suggest then, that if Danny isn't a threat to Jackal, you might put that into the roleplay next time? It's almost as if you had nothing to say about him so you didn't say anything, when you might have been better off doing a bit. Even just a line or so to dismiss him as some useless rookie or whatever, so that at least it's explained as to why he isn't getting much coverage.
I'm not looking to get involved in Martinez, Jace has plenty of hoes to choose from. I just figured that you wouldn't dredge up an ex-girlfriend for a one-shot appearance...
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Dec 7, 2010 19:17:29 GMT -5
Might I suggest then, that if Danny isn't a threat to Jackal, you might put that into the roleplay next time? It's almost as if you had nothing to say about him so you didn't say anything, when you might have been better off doing a bit. Even just a line or so to dismiss him as some useless rookie or whatever, so that at least it's explained as to why he isn't getting much coverage. I just figured that you wouldn't dredge up an ex-girlfriend for a one-shot appearance... I completely agree |
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Post by Justin King on Dec 28, 2010 10:40:51 GMT -5
Alright, part one of my BRH RP is up.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Jan 6, 2011 11:13:53 GMT -5
Helped define your style and give a deeper look into Jackal as a character.
However there were some coloring and grammatical errors but other than that pretty solid. I would say you need more match relevance since AJ was only mentioned in a small part but i think that's why you are writing a second one.
Good luck to you my friend and I hope to read your second one soon.
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Post by Justin King on Jan 6, 2011 12:12:27 GMT -5
I'm not facing Jace at BRH. I'm facing AJ Valdez. I did mention AJ a lot in the roleplay, from Jackal and Jessica watching older matches, to even "doing his kind of training" when he went for a swim.
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Post by Justin King on Jan 19, 2011 20:45:09 GMT -5
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Post by Obi on Jan 19, 2011 21:03:13 GMT -5
I really enjoyed this roleplay. Just a few things need cleaning up. I saw some HTML issues in there. You meant for a few things to be in color. Check this out.
See the mistakes? Also, I would have liked a little more focus on your opponents. Everything else is great though. I love the background storyline going on. Just clean it up a bit and maybe add a tiny bit more on your upcoming match. Cheers!
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Post by Justin King on Jan 19, 2011 21:28:30 GMT -5
Thanks for catching that, Obi. I missed it entirely. Honestly, I thought I did mention the upcoming match quite a bit, but I guess you can never have to much focus on upcoming challenges. Feedback always helps produce better results.
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Post by irobin on Jan 19, 2011 21:51:12 GMT -5
You really want to go for at least 50% match/opponent focus. Now, as Jackal hasn't faced either of these guys that's a little more difficult when writing your RP as there's no past history to work from, but there's more focus on Jackal, Animal and Jessica than the match itself which is a bit of a downer.
Other than that, it's alright, but that's about it. You seem to cut it short before it gets going by getting all four members together, chatting for a few paragraphs and then saying that they continued to plan. Why just say that? Why not show us their planning? Either continue the strategy discussion, or have Jackal and Roy head to the gym and do some training. Roy's a similar build to the Scorpion, just a bit shorter, so he'd make an adequate training partner for Jackal in terms of facing a stronger/heavier opponent. It seems like you reached a point with real potential to get some teamwork on show and some strategies being developed and you instead finished the roleplay. It's a pity, because you spend most of the roleplay getting everyone together for this training session.
Also, carrying on from what DG said, you've got Roy speaking in two different shades of green (limegreen and reed, I believe) which can be confusing. Not only does a colour code require each character to stick to the same colour, but we all know that Roy talks to himself and has his own internal dialogue, which he gives a different colour to. The easier you make an RP to read and understand, the better it will serve you.
And, one last thing, a new speaker means you start a new paragaph. That's a rule.
Sorry if it seems like I'm just sitting here and ragging on you, but I'm trying to give you useful feedback, even if some might consider it overly critical. Apologies if I am too harsh in this.
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Post by Justin King on Jan 19, 2011 22:02:22 GMT -5
Roy is lime green, Jackal is red. That "reed" was me accidentally adding an extra 'e' to red. It was Jackal speaking.
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Post by irobin on Jan 19, 2011 22:07:10 GMT -5
Ah, right. Well then, that moots my point about the new speaker/new line rule and goes to show the importance of double-checking codes. Especially for colouring.
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Post by Justin King on Jan 19, 2011 22:30:28 GMT -5
Yeah, there was an error in another spot with coding that Obi caught. I'm beginning to think I might need glasses cause I have a hard time seeing some of the small coding errors until it's to late. But other than that, my eyesight is great lol
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Jan 19, 2011 22:41:36 GMT -5
In the overall scheme of things I agree with Jace. You have in essence set the stage, paid the band, sold the tickets, but then forgot to get the band there on time. Everything was set and ready and had you gone on (in story time) for about another 2 hours you would have blown it out of the water. It's a great start and flows great but like Jace said you seemed to end it when it was getting good.
I will say this was better than you past two and the improvement is a good thing. Better to take a baby step forward than not move or move back.
I didn't see the coding errors but i bet you fixed that. All and all it was a good read.
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