Post by irobin on Dec 26, 2010 22:47:16 GMT -5
With apologies to the real Chuck Johnson...
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A few days after the last SNV of 2010
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The scene opens with Chuck Johnson working over a punching bag in the back of a gym whilst Willie sits by him reading a newspaper. Or maybe he's just staring at the pictures. It's roasting hot here, no sign of Christmas and none of the other people in the gym look particularly festive.
Willie: "How long's that been now, Chuck?"
Chuck: "How should I know? You're meant to be keepin' track of the time, damn it."
Willie: "Well, Chuck, then I reckon you're about done then."
Chuck stops hitting the bag and sits down next to Willie, taking a drink.
Chuck: "This shit's warm. Let's hit a bar, Willie and get something worth drinkin'."
Willie: "Now Chuck, you need to watch it. Fallen One put you through a window because of your drinkin' and not that long ago, Chris Sabora beat seven shades o' crap outta you. You could have taken him, but I reckon that the beer's been messin' with your head. You need to sober up a bit if you want to get ahead in this game, all that drinkin' is just killin' your brain cells an' you weren't born with a whole lot of 'em to begin with. So, from now on, you're goin' teetotal."
Chuck: "Tee-total?"
Willie: "Yeah. Tea-fuckin'-total, Chuck. You gotta stop all this beer an' drink cups of tea instead. Sounds crazy, but I swear, it's what you need. That guy, uh, MC Funk or whatever he's called, he's been on the tea fer years an' he's a big fancy wrassler with loads o' money. Hell! If you stop drinkin', think of all the money yer'll save!"
Chuck: "That would be a lot of money. I might be able to pay off my house."
Willie: "Yer see? Just try it, Chuck. I swear you'll see the difference! You've got a match comin' up soon, you just gotta stay on the tea 'til then. If you don't see any improvement then you can get back on the beer. Can't say fairer 'n that!"
Chuck: "Damn it, Willie, I hate tea! I don't wanna drink it."
Willie: "I hate it too, but I'll drink it with yer if that's what it takes. I swear to you, Ceejay, we get you cleaned up an' you'll be the best damn wrestler in the world."
Chuck wasn't thrilled and, in truth, neither was Willie, but maybe it was time for the Chester's favourite son to go sober, get his head together and take things seriously. Sacrifices must be made if you want to become the best, this is one of them. The biggest sacrifice Chuck could be asked to make, but he had to try.
Chuck: "So, who am I fightin' this time."
Willie: "Some guy that thinks he's a pirate."
Chuck: "Aw, Hell. I need a drink just thinkin' 'bout wrasslin' some damn pirate!"
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A week later
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The scene opens in a very posh looking conservatory, with a large glass roof, completely different to the Hungry Hog or any of Chuck's other usual hangouts. Floors of polished marble, tables of deep mahogany, glasses made of crystal. This is clearly where the upper classes come to drink. These are people that could have been presidents, CEOs, heads of industry, had they had to work for anything. These people, however, never worked. They were born with silver spoons in the mouths and they only took them out to replace them with larger, shinier spoons when Daddy died and the entire family estate became theirs.
Maître d'hôtel: "Yes, Sir? Have you come alone today, or would you like your usual table for two?"
?: "The usual seat please, James. Charles will be along shortly."
The maître d' nods, satisfied and leads a very wealthy, sophisticated looking gentleman to a seat by the window. The man sits down carefully, smoothing out his waistcoat and lighting a cigar, before picking up a copy of the Financial Times.
The scene is busy, but in a mature, classy way. Nobody is rushing, there is a low level of noise with occasional laughter, all whilst a piano is gently playing in the corner. The staff never hurry, they simply pour out their drinks and make their way across the floor. Before long, the maître d' returns to the table with a trolley. He unloads two fine china cups and saucers, a small bowl of sugar, a jug of milk and a teapot, along with a plate piled high with scones and dishes of strawberry jam, butter and fresh cream.
?: "Ah, thank you. This looks simply delightful."
Maître d'hôtel: "Thank you, William, do you know when Mr. Johnson will be joining us?"
As William pauses to think, he looks across to the entranceway as Chuck Johnson - or "Charles" as he is now known - makes his way to the front, before another staff member motions him to William's table.
William: "I dare say he should be along now."
Charles Johnson nods politely at the Maître d' and sits down at the table with Willie, or "William" before the Maître d' pours each man a cup of tea. Charles takes his with a little milk, whilst William prefers two sugars and a dash of milk. The two men sit in silence for a moment, sipping their tea with pinkie fingers raised.
Charles: "William, I must say, this is truly the good life. Why, just this morning, I bought out Amazon after a shrewd piece of advice from one of my colleagues. Needless to say, it shall truly be a wonderful year in the Johnson estate."
William: "Oh, Charles, that is most wonderful news, however, I do believe I have gazumped you, as not only did I buy Amazon earlier this morning, I then went on to sell it to you for a princely sum of money!"
Charles brushes his wavy blonde locks out of his eyes, staring across at William before breaking into raucous laughter.
Charles: "Why, William, you are every part the lovable rogue! I should have caught wind of this sooner, but the house staff were so busy mithering me about the azaleas, the hawthorns and the rhododendron that I just never noticed."
William: "The house staff again, Charles? They really can't do anything for themselves. Honestly, I wonder why I employ so many of them."
Charles: "Well, I suppose you must. After all, when one's mansion contains over 700 rooms, one can't very well inhabit them all alone!"
The two break into more laughter, before returning to their tea as the both begin reading the various world newspapers. Charles is reading the investment papers whilst William is reading a Chinese newspaper. In Chinese.
William: "Such unmitigated whimsy, dear chap!"
Another gentleman, this one tall, frail and elderly, dressed in a white suit approaches them, he puffs on a large cigar, exhaling smoke before speaking.
Albert: "Gentlemen, I believe you are the ones to consult about risky capital investments, as, in a week, you have developed the largest shares portfolio known to any of us here. So, do you think I would be wise to invest in EUW?"
Charles: "EUW?"
William: "Ah, he's talking about Edinburgh United Warehousing. You have heard of them, haven't you Charles?"
Charles: "EUW?"
William: "Charles, is everything alright?"
Albert: "I think Charles may need some fresh air, he looks awfully pale."
William: "Quite. We shall take to the balcony for respite and hope he regains his colour."
William and Albert help Charles up out of the seat as he continues to mutter. They make their way onto the balcony, standing in the breeze as Charles stops and turns to face William.
Charles: "Don't the letters EUW mean anything to you?"
William: "I already said, it's the Edinburgh Uni-"
Charles: "No, no, not that. Something else. A long forgotten memory, slowly stirring in the caverns of my mind."
William: "A memory? Relating to the Edinburgh U-"
Charles: "No. Not that. Similar, but different. Another EUW... Exciting?"
William: "Exciting? That's a bit extreme, isn't it?"
Charles and William stare at each other.
William: "Extreme..."
Charles: "EUW..."
William: "Great Scott man, we forgot the EUW!"
Albert: "The what?"
Charles: "The damned EUW! My former livelihood as a wrestler!"
Albert: "He's clearly without himself! Bring this man a stiff drink to bring him back to his senses!"
One of the waiters quickly fixes up tumbler of expensive whisky, handing it to Charles who takes a sip of it, staring intently into the honey-coloured alcohol.
Charles: "Hmm?"
William: "Extreme United Wrestling... Yes, my memories are less hazy now..."
Albert: "A wrestler? Surely not, Charles. It isn't very becoming of a gentleman such as yourself."
William: "He's not a gentleman. Neither of us are, in fact! He's a wrestler and I'm his manager!"
Albert: "Charles? A wrestler? This can't be true, can it, Charles?"
Charles: "No... You can it, old man!"
Albert and the other gentlemen in earshot suddenly rise out of their chairs in disgust. The sound of monocles dropping from faces in shock echoes throughout the air as they all begin to sneer with disgust at the man they knew as "Charles" and his foul language.
Albert: "Such dreadful language. Charles, I shall have to ask you to leave. You too, William."
Albert rests his arm on Charles' shoulder as he speaks, locking eyes with him.
Willie: "My name ain't Will-yum. It's Willie, an' this here ain't Charles."
Chuck: "I'm Chuck Johnson and I think it's time to whup a man's ass!"
Chuck downs the rest of the whisky, slamming the glass on the table before kicking Albert in the stomach and following up with The Hangover to lay him out. Even more gasps of shock and murmurs of disgust circulate in response to Chuck's violent actions.
Chuck: "Who else wants a piece o' me? And bring me more whisky, damn it!"
Waiter: "Sir, I can't serve you, you must leave."
Chuck: "Aw Hell no!"
Chuck then floors the waiter with a stiff right hand and kicks the door open, marching back inside, ripping off his suit as he does, heading straight for the bar with Willie in tow. Chuck brushes the bartender aside, grabbing a bottle of whisky and chugging it, as Willie grabs a bottle of tequila, waving it at Chuck. Chuck grins and grabs the tequila, drinking it as Willie begins drinking the whisky.
Chuck: "I've missed this!"
More of the staff begin to approach, one or two wielding silver platters and corkscrews in a manner intended to be menacing, but instead comes across more "mincing".
Willie: "Uh, Chuck..."
Chuck just grins and clubs the nearest one with the bottle, before tackling another and laying into a third with a flurry of punches. Chuck stops to grab another bottle, expensive brandy this time, taking a hearty swig and clobbering another waiter with the bottle. This process continues until Chuck has laid out around 20 members of the staff and drank through several unspecified bottles of spirits, wine and beer.
Willie: "Yee-haw, get 'em Chuck!"
Chuck clobbers the last one and then turns back to Willie.
Chuck: "Let's get back to Chester. I ain't givin' up the drink ever again! It's what makes me, me!"
Chuck and Willie never did dare to take the teetotal path again for it was a strange and worrying place. By the time that Chuck had paid off the bill for the damage he caused, he had been forced to sell all of his shares and was once again penniless, but this suited him and he swore never to speak of this awful chapter of his life ever again.