Bane
Prospect
Posts: 142
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Post by Bane on Jul 22, 2011 19:03:07 GMT -5
he everyone the new chapter to Bane's story is up let me know what you think OK
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Post by The Sky King on Jul 25, 2011 7:51:13 GMT -5
- You've kept your story as strong as ever. Absolutely no faltering by going from one storyline to another. Brilliant. Storywise, you're still keeping the hooks in the reader, you're still developing it slowly and you're not just tossing everything on one page. It's good, because it's prolonging the story and allowing time for it to seep in.
- Match relevance wise? An improvement. A big improvement. Keep at keeping the match relevance good and long, because it's what'll help you win matches when combined with your excellent story-telling skills. Keep at it.
- A few grammatical errors, and a syntactical error: "Now lets be honest we all know that vikings or whatever god he prayed to" That sentence doesn't make sense. It's minor, but it hurts the quality of the RP in the long run. I'm not going to focus too much on these though, since time will help improve these mistakes.
- Overall? A great effort. The Staff noticed that you stepped up for the title shot, and that shows us that you know to take your opportunities. Just keep writing like you are, keep improving, and one day you'll have a title to your name.
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Post by jackbull on Jul 27, 2011 22:36:35 GMT -5
Hey dude. Sorry for taking so long to get back to you on this.
I liked your work this week, and for me it was the little touches that made it what it was. Like Bane calling his son "Samuel" whereas his (ex)wife wants to call the kid "Sam". It's something that it is barely noticable but adds a lot of depth, reality and humanity to the character. The scornful way he said "SAM" shows us he's angry, but without having to flip tables over to prove it. Nice.
Then, like Luck said, you give us more match relevance this time which is a big boost. You talked about Cross and the challenge facing Bane. That's a good start but over time I feel you do need to develop this area of the character more, tells us a bit more about how Bane feels about each opponent. Really go into depth on them.
On the other hand, you need to make sure that doesn't detract from your excellent story telling. Now yeah, that'll mean more typing and work, but your stories are worth it I think! I like the idea of going back over all of Banes cases and telling us details about each one. Some of the things a guy like Bane must have seen would make real interesting background experience for him.
Can't wait to read more. You missed the title this time, but like Luck said, keep going dude. Keep writing and you'll make it.
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