the next chapter is up

[Bane]

Hey everyone the next chapter to Bane's story is up let me know what you all think and be honest please.

thanks Bane

[Mr. C]

Another strong story was put out for this PPV! It was a really impressive piece from you that started off by kicking you right in the teeth, old friend. You've come a loooooooooooong way from when you first started, and you seem to really have a lot to go on with this character. He's interesting, he's deep, he's troubled, there's a lot to work with and I can only see your RPs getting better from here. With that in mind, there was one thing that was difficult for me as the reader to overcome.

I personally would like to see some consistency when it comes to dividing dialogue and action. Sometimes you use quotes, when it's in a paragraph, and when the speech is its own paragraph, you put the name followed by a dash. Either works for me, but I would like to see you pick one and stick with it. Other than that, you had an immensely personal story combined with strong match relevance. A good RP that I think would become even better with just a few small adjustments.

[jackbull]

I have to admit, I was completely taken by the swerve with Cysco. You did a good job of hiding that in the run up (either that or I'm just a retard).

It was a great twist to what has been an interesting story so far. The effect that incident must have had on Bane just adds even more depth to his character. Tommeh was right above when he said you have a great character to work with now.

I also like the ending, how you intergrated the tips that were given to you last week and gave us a bit more focus on your opponent and how Bane felt about him.

They key for you now is to just keep working at it and refine it more week by week. Nice job dude.

[irobin]

I had my suspicions about Cysco, but you never know for sure until things like this happen! I’m intrigued to see where this goes now, what happens to Bane, the rest of the unit and so on, it’s a really great story.

I’m also glad to see much more in the way of match relevance, too. It’s never easy to write against a new guy, because other than what is in their bio, you know very little, so if you can do this with someone new to the place, then I know you could do it against other people, too. That’s something to keep on with because your stories have always been good, you’ve just been let down by the match relevance. The only complaint here is that it still feels like two halves, and you need to try to find a way to combine the story of Bane’s past with the match, and the opponent that he is facing, to help the whole thing feel more connected.

I’ll also agree with what Tom said, keep your style/formatting consistent when writing, it makes the roleplay look and read a lot better. If it looks a bit “messy” (like this piece did) then it can detract from the actual content of the roleplay. It’s not a huge deal, but if you’re in a tight match with an opponent of similar ability, then it’s the little things like this that might tip the balance in one direction or the other. Just something to keep in mind.

However, and I need to say this, please, please don’t use acronyms in roleplays. Things like “WTF”, which you used this week (and I think last time, too) or “LOL” or anything like that, please, don’t use it. By all means say “what the fuck?” That’s quite alright, but don’t type “WTF” into a roleplay again.

[primetime]

(My Grades on a 1-10 scale).
Dialogue: 6
Description: 5
Content: 7.5
Length: 7
Match Relevance: 6




Overall Thoughts: You are coming along very nicely, Mister Bane. This week, you dropped some bombshells on us. Very nice story telling on your behalf. A strong effort to compliment a strong character.

[The Sky King]

• "WTF" in RP dialogue is a big no-no. Try and avoid doing it, since sometimes it can detract from the content of the RP and make things seem amateurish.
  
• A few formatting hiccups here and there. You have several short paragraphs as opposed to a few long ones. I'd recommend tightening it up a bit: You also had a huge black space at the end of your RP. It won't affect judging, but sometimes it makes it difficult to read jumping from one paragraph to another constantly.
  
• From negative to positive: Story-wise you're easily one of the strongest members of the fed, batting on par with Tommeh and his epic Brett Cross. You put in twists and turns, and you create a wonderfully human character. We have all sorts here: Vikings, Insane Heels, Superheroes..but Bane is still a breath of fresh air. I love how the story develops throughout your RPs and you expand further on it in future RPs.
  
• You balanced match relevance and character development extremely well in this one. You got the right balance and that's something few people can pull off with what seems to be a story-driven character. That being said, I felt that the jump from the story to match focus was somewhat disjointed. Nothing major, but it might be worth noting down for future RPs.

You're a very solid member of the fed and incredibly consistent in your writing. The Bane character has been brilliantly executed, and aside from a few hiccups in concerns to format, you're easily batting constant home runs here. Just keep plugging away and improving, and you might find yourself scaling the heights of the fed.

[Bane]

Thanks everyone for your support with my RP's. It was hard to take everything all of you said and put it into my RP's. But when all of you really broke it down and pointed out what was wrong and Jack helped me come up with a easy way to do my RP's that really helped. But pleas if you guys have idea's on weather I should keep this storyline going or not let me know. If you guys are boried of this storyline I have a new one in the works that will really blow your mind. Again thank you for the support. Bane