new RP

[Bane]

Hey everyone I just put up my new RP read it and let me know what you think. thanks bane

[irobin]

Bane, your back story as a police officer is interesting, but you need to move away from having it as the focus of your roleplay. Your match relevance comes later on and there seems to be almost no relation between the match relevant part of your roleplay and your back story.

I would suggest taking a look at some of the work by Brett Cross to see a way to have your back story relate to your match; otherwise it just feels like two separate roleplays about two different subjects, combined into one post. This is a real problem because it breaks up the flow completely and it harms the quality of your roleplay.

There also seemed to be a drop in writing quality from the back story to the section on your match as if the story really was more important than the match itself. For one thing, you seemed to be swearing a lot in your match section, compared to very little swearing your back story and I don’t see the need for it. It isn’t necessary and doesn’t add a lot to your roleplay, You called Jack “gay” at one point too, and that really didn’t help your efforts. These insults only really work if you back them up with some kind of intelligent joke, or a mention of something your opponent said or did, otherwise, they just seem like desperate insults written by a small child.

I’m sorry that this feedback is a bit harsh, because there are some good points to your roleplay, but if you want to get back on track to the Bane that beat Immanuel Taylor in the past, or to where you once were with 415, then you need to address some of these points.

[jackbull]

It has promise dude. Bane's back story could be a handy tool over the coming weeks and months. Maybe relating back how a coming match compares to a past experience or a past case. The motivation generated by the anger over his wifes affair could also be a handy little tool in the Bane tool box.

But first, a few clean ups needed.

1) When doing speech you either need to use color, or at least have line breaks with names at the start so we know who is talking, for example;

Jaden - Jack, your the greatest e-fedder in the history of e-fedding.

Jack - I know dude. Now get down off the fence, take your pants off your head and stop being a moron.

2) Proof reading. Before you post you need to go back and check the whole RP through and through to make sure you catch as many spelling and grammar mistakes as you can.

As I understood it the swearing came about because your character was actually talking whereas in the first section it was more of a descriptive flashback. Though I could be wrong. Swearing is usually ok, as long as there is a reason for it. As Jace said though, it helps when you can roll things like the "gay" comment into a wider joke that is novel.

Overall though you're making a good start dude.

[James]

Hey kida,

Just wanted to drop you a line and say that I really enjoyed your last role play.

[irobin]

I liked your roleplay this week, you took some of the comments made last time and worked them into this roleplay and I believe it helped you. The back story is really starting to pick up now, it’s a great read and I had been expecting to find that the mystery boyfriend was a fellow policeman, not Hector Hernandez, so you’re doing a good job of getting me involved in Bane’s history and wanting to read more to find out what happened to him. As I said last time, your back story is very good, it’s easily the best part of your roleplay.

However, this time, you got onto the match relevance a lot better. You managed to work the two together a little more, even just down to saying how Bane wished his son could see him wrestle, it definitely helps make the whole thing feel more connected and that was one of my complaints about your previous pieces. Keep working here, your match relevance is better, but it still feels a bit unconnected to your history, so just keep adding in little bits together. How memories of Bane’s past are similar to his current situation. You’re on the right track, in my estimation, you just need to keep working at it and you’ll get there. It’s a step up from last time and a step in the right direction. Just keep going!

[The Sky King]

• Better grammar and better spelling. Better structure too. You're improving in this aspect. This makes the RP a lot easier to read. You still have a few spelling mistakes here and there, but nothing which completely mars the RP.
  
• Banes backstory is brilliant. You have clearly thought deeply about this character, and it shows well. Your character development is easily one of the best in the federation at the moment. The divorce proceedings, the problems with his family..It's got a realistic edge to it which makes it all the more interesting.
  
• Match relevance. You improved it this week, but it is your one weakness. Popping it at the RPs end isn't the best thing to do. You need to mix it up with the character development..Something as simple and offbeat as Bane thinking about the match while he's driving, or even comparing the divorce proceedings to a battle in the ring! Something as simple as that will take your RP from good to oh-my-fucking-god-this-is-awesome. You have the match relevance improving, but it needs that extra step.