Feedback & tips

[BELLEZA!]

I just posted my first RP for Belleza and my first ever RP. So, I need you guys to be brutally honest and tell me what you think and offer any ways you guys think I can improve on my stuff. Please and Thank you. ;D

[Obi]

Apr 11, 2011 16:56:31 GMT -5 BELLEZA! said:

I just posted my first RP for Belleza and my first ever RP. So, I need you guys to be brutally honest and tell me what you think and offer any ways you guys think I can improve on my stuff. Please and Thank you. ;D

Was a very good debut. I enjoyed it quite a bit. Looking forward to your debut, friend.

[irobin]

I enjoyed the roleplay and if it truly is your first ever roleplay, then it’s not bad at all. That isn’t just in the “I’ve seen a lot worse” sense, but that you’ve got a good grasp of English (always helps) and you seem to have a pretty clear idea of who your character is and what they want to do and to become. Juda, sorry, “Belleza” wants to entertain the crowds and have people bow before him and acknowledge his beauty and style. The roleplay is well-presented and easy to read which makes it instantly accessible. It’s a good first roleplay and you have a lot of the basics in order, so I’m sure you’ll do well if you stick at it.

As for the roleplay, it’s simple and to the point. Tells me the basics of where Belleza has come from, what he values and what he wants. There are details there to help me get interested in the character and seeing where it all goes, which is always important.

The only real criticism I can give is that you repeated the word “he” at one stage, starting a number of sentences with it, one after the other. It’s nothing major, but I noticed it.

He said as he licked his lips. He then lifted his head and opened his eyes. It was time. Belleza got out of his chair and left the room, going down a small corridor, then peeking through a door. He saw the company rep speaking on stage with a few cameras flashing periodically.

He stopped at the podium and didn't say a word. He wanted to soak in the boos. In the flashes. This was where he belonged. He was sure of that now. Finally, He began...

It isn’t a massive criticism, but some of those sentences could be combined, or, at least vary it up so that you don’t have the repetition.

However, as I said, there isn’t a lot wrong with it. You can read good roleplaying guides for tips and so on, but there are no magic fixes or instant wins. A lot of it comes from experience, in time, you’ll develop your own style and as your roleplay more, “Belleza” will become a more complete, fleshed-out character and as that happens, your roleplays will develop too. It’s all a learning curve, so don’t try to rush it.

[BELLEZA!]

Thank you guys so much for the feedback. I'm happy to know it wasn't a wreck like a feared. And I do see what you mean with the word"He". I'll try to watch that in the future. But, I really appreciate the kind words, guys. ;D

[jackbull]

I'm not sure what the default background is, but mine is black and thus the dark colors used made it a little difficult to read.

But other than that it was good. Your character seems to have a more unique angle than most. He strikes me as being very much out of the normal mould. That's a good thing. There was also something a little eerrily (wicked spelling) sinister about your character. That's a good thing to.

This may sound a little dumb, but for my money your probably now one of the most intriguing prospects we have in the EUW. Very good.

[BELLEZA!]

Thank ya, Jack. That eerie creepiness is really what I was going for. I've always been a fan of the more feminine, less physically imposing, but surprisingly brutal characters. They make for good villains to me.
My only real concern is that some of you guys' stuff is so damn good. Like, they're very long and detailed and just very intriguing reads. I'm not sure if I can get to that level. But dammit, I'll try!

[jackbull]

You don't become a Superbowl quality team by playing the Raiders each week....

[BELLEZA!]

Hahaha. Point very well taken.

[BELLEZA!]

Ok, guys. Just finished for Rping for my first match. For the second promo I tried something a lil different, like he was talking to a voice in his head. And he used the mirror to make it seem more like a real conversation. Maybe it hit, maybe it missed, maybe it sucked monkey balls. I dunno. Tell me what you think! Please and thank you.

[irobin]

For a guy that is making his E-Fedding debut, and not only in this Fed, but in this game, I’m quite impressed by you. I found both of your pieces to be rather good, and you seemed to have the split done well. The two dovetailed together into one larger piece, which was good to see and you had the split between match relevance and character development, too. It’s nice to get a little bit of a background on Belleza, finding out where he came from, who he was before he became this “Belleza” persona is good, but it leaves just as many questions. It says that this is a guy that humiliated his own father because there was a crowd watching that he wanted to keep enchanted, but that was just the beginning. You’ve given yourself plenty of scope to move around with this, as it allows you to add in other important moments from the back story if you want to, and as this is a new character for us, as well as you, it allows us to see a bit about why Belleza is this deranged psychopath.

You talk about your opponents quite well, something that isn’t always easy when starting out, especially as Sachielle was the only one to have roleplayed before your second piece went up, so you couldn’t just take the easy approach and counter their sentiments.

Belleza is definitely coming in strongly as a heel, and something of a creepy, mentally unstable heel, too. The mere fact that you’re writing your first few roleplays with your first character and you’re managing to hit the target of being a heel that acts like a heel, and having a gimmick that you can stick to says you’re on the right tracks and that you’ll do fine in this game.

I saw your previous comments about the roleplays that other people write around here, so I’ll just say this for now: you should always read what your opponents say about you, as this is your first indicator as to how your character is being perceived. If, for example, you wanted to create a guy that was supposed to be a friendly man-mountain of a giant, but people were responding to your roleplays as if he was just a dim-witted lumbering fool, then that would be something to try to address. However, if you can read roleplays by people that aren’t in your matches, then that will educate you. It shouldn’t frighten you, because everyone had to start somewhere and the EUW is not an easy place for a total beginner, but reading the work of the best guys here should help you to develop yourself. You’re not going to be thrown to the wolves and jobbed out to the main even scene week in, week out, so don’t worry about that! If you get booked against someone, it’s usually because there’s every chance you could win, so just look it as a challenge and do what you can to knock it right out of the park.

I like what I’ve seen from you so far, keep it up. The star of enchantment is twinkling, but I can see it shining brightly in future.

[The Sky King]

• I concur with Ambrose: For a guy making a start in e-fedding, you've pretty much got your foot on the ladder. When I started, my promos were complete and utter shit (ie; Five lines long and bad grammar) so you're impressing here.
  
• Personal issue: Colors. This doesn't affect how your RP will be judged or anything, but it might be something to keep in mind: The colors kind of detract from the RP. Sure, it sets out so it's easy to read, but you have a rainbow in your RP with all these different colors. Maybe a color-coded name and plain speech?
  
  ie; Belleze: ...I have to go. When I return, I want you and these bitches out of my home.
  
  Something like that. Remember: Making it easy on the eyes encourages a lot more people to read the RP. It's not something to fix at this moment, just something to keep in mind.
  
• Your dialogue is brilliant. Nothing to improve. Belleza comes across as somewhat unstable, wanting to tame Frozen and destroy Church. The dialogue about Frozen, with Belleza making comparisons to her being a dog, was golden and ever-so-slightly unnerving. Don't worry, though: That's what makes a perfect Heel. You have it down to a T there.
  
• Match relevance needs to be improved on. You do it well when you do it, but it's lacking and is sandwiched between meaty chunks of description and character development. Character development = fine, but you need to balance it equally with match relevance. The first half of your first RP with Belleza researching his opponents on the laptop could have gone on longer. With Bellezas personality, I wanted to read more on how he thought of his opponents, as opposed to him being such a ladies man. In your second RP, you kept match relevance to the final half, while the first half was talk about Lobo Gris and Lobo Gris Jr. It was brilliant character development, but the match relevance was lacking sadly.
  
  Keep it balanced and you will fly high. For someone starting off, you are learning quickly, but there are still a few improvements to do.
  Keep up the good work, though.
  

[BELLEZA!]

Ok, guys. New RP up. I tried to make it less colorful and more match relevant. I wanted to show a different Belleza. It was him talking to the only person he cares about, so he was trying to save her from him in a way. Tell me what you guys think. Please and thank you.

[primetime]

Very clean RP. I love your character thus far. I am looking forward to the next segment.

[BELLEZA!]

New RP up. The first of 3. Lemme know what you think! Please and thank you.

[BELLEZA!]

Ok, I just put all of em up. If anyone's wondering why I did them all so early, I'm leaving for a trip today and would have missed the deadline if i didn't. Haha. But I hope you all enjoy the worst side of Beeleza that comes through at the end.

[Mr. C]

This was just what I was talkin' 'bout in the match predictions. I had a feeling you would come out swinging and you certainly did. It's no secret that I'm a sucker for a good story and that's exactly what you gave us this week. Normally I would advise against multiple RPs, as you can very well ruin your overall by doing it, but you worked all of them in together very well. You paced and built up to the final confrontation, and without spoiling it for anyone who has yet to read it, it was very powerful, and sets up Belleza for some brave new stories. The motives for this character are what make him great, and this RP was a wonderful reflection of it. I want to see more RPs like this! Just don't burn yourself out too quickly, pumping out three RPs each session, because I see Belleza's future only getting brighter from here!

[jackbull]

I just went back and read them through in succession. I think probably it would have served better if they were posted as one, but I understand that sometimes with time constraints that can be the way.

Still it was good. I like how Belleza is a little psychotic. It's a different. I know we've had characters who hallucinate and things like that, but an actually dangerous nutjob is something more rare, which is cool. You're writing style is pretty good to.

Some loose punctuation and spellings, so maybe a more thorough read through needed next time, but overall a good standard and a lot to build on for the future.

[irobin]

First off, good call on throwing them up early. That’s the right idea, and I, as staff, am glad to see it being done properly.

Now, onto the roleplays! Well, well, well, isn’t Belleza just a little bit interesting? I must confess that I really am taken to his character, he’s deranged in every way, and I like the way you change the font colour to emphasise this. It’s a little thing, but when I first noticed it, I liked it; it seemed to fit the occasion. Showing the two sides of Belleza; the more human one that wants to entertain and dazzle, and the monster, that wants to hurt, maim and destroy. Both sides are clearly sick and twisted, but in different ways, with different goals, it casts a good personality split and allows for plenty of conflict, even if they are both on the same page, really.

You’ve got a really good, interesting character with a lot of potential and that’s a fantastic base for you to work from, your roleplays are developing well and you seem to have a good grasp of your character, in terms of both who he is and what he wants to do. I was unsure when Gris Lobo Sr. arrived because my memory was that the two had an estranged and bad relationship, so I was glad to see that you weren’t retconning your character so early on. This father-son relationship was dealt with, so that settled any concerns and it really helped to heap on the psychotic monster side of Belleza that did seem to be vanishing in the presence of his father, so the fact that you got me thinking these things is testament to some good writing skills. Any sort of a response that you elicit from a reader is a sign of a job well done.

There’s plenty of character development and a hefty dose of character relevance too, so as far as I’m concerned, you’ve covered all the basics with your three pieces and there’s a clear flow to them, so that they do read as three parts of the same piece, rather than being three different pieces. It’s important if writing multiple roleplays that you make sure that they connect, because leaving them too disjointed can put a dampener on them, so keep that up.

Really, I cannot offer much criticism at all. You have delivered three good, interesting, well-written pieces and despite not having picked up a win yet, you’re doing well and definitely on your way. Don’t get downhearted and the rest will come along in time. Don’t rush it, and enjoy the journey!

[BELLEZA!]

Thank you guys so much for the feedback. Glad to know that you all enjoy it. If you guys are entertained, Belleza's happy.

[The Sky King]

• Getting three RPs out while people are still trundling out of the gate is amazing. It shows dedication. Alright, that won't win points when it comes to match judging, but it definitely tells us to pay closer attention to you.
  
• That being said, I felt the content of all three RPs could have been squashed into either one big RP or two medium-sized ones. They had some excellent flow going, and it felt almost needless to have three RPs. Again, it won't affect anything concerning match judging, but it's something to look at.
  
• I loved the small, minute change to having Bellezas name in red when his father shows up in the 1st RP. Showed he was enraged and caught offguard by the sudden appearance. Small things like that add good atmosphere to the RP.
  
• Character developments solid, with the inclusion of the father who wants Belleza to take things more seriously and start winning gives Belleza an edge.
  
• At the end of the second RP, I was afraid you were going to turn Belleza somewhat face when he took his fathers mask. That twist in the third RP, though, not only alleviated his arrogant heel status, but really caught me (the reader) off guard. It was brilliantly simple, yet very effective.
  
• Spelling and grammar wise? You're spot on for most of it. A few little typos here and there, but it's nothing that will affect you dramatically.

I don't really give scores, but i'd say you were easily batting a 9 here. For having relatively short roleplays, you managed to hit every single spot with them. Excellent job!

[James]

My esteemed colleagues have done an excellent job on the content, but the one thing I really liked from a personal stand point was the manner in which you wrote the role plays. Using the past tense I thought was clever and it kind of fit the motif present. The entire narrative this week was built upon a past relationship and much as Phil alluded towards with the red coding, the past tense emphasized a point.

I think the dramatic undertones were solid, the plot well written if not a little cliche. Not necessarily in a bad way, however it's something that has been told many times before.

One thing I would like to see, from a personal stand point based on the impression I'm getting of Belleza is the machinations of his mind. To me, the psyche of him is interesting. The dynamics of the character lean towards a face tone, but the actions are decidedly rudo. Why? I think that question is psychological and getting an answer through seeing why he does what he does presents an interesting process without answering the question. I think that would bring your role plays from a solid level, to a spectacular one by adding that one dimension to your character, moving him from a decidedly two dimensional one, to a dynamic three dimensional character.