|
|
Post by kris on Apr 2, 2011 16:18:38 GMT -5
So yeah... it's been awhile since I've dusted off the Angel of Winter. Any and all feedback would be welcome! 
|
|
|
|
Post by kris on Apr 15, 2011 22:49:35 GMT -5
And there's another RP! Some feedback would be lovely.
|
|
|
|
Post by jackbull on Apr 15, 2011 23:09:51 GMT -5
It was good. Good use of language. Gave us a better insight into the mind of Sachiele Willows. But perhaps lacking a little in match relevance. London Strife only got a brief mention. But the over arching story going on in the background seems quite intriguing.
|
|
|
|
Post by kris on Apr 15, 2011 23:15:24 GMT -5
I didn't have much material on London... so I opted, instead, to begin the groundwork for the big storyline that will ultimately define Sachiele. It'll make sense soon, promise. 
|
|
|
|
Post by irobin on Apr 16, 2011 9:07:16 GMT -5
You’re clearly building to something, but the complete and utter lack of match relevance really killed this roleplay. You barely mention Strife and when you do, it’s to call him a coward, with no discernable justification for it. I appreciate that you may not have much to work with in terms of Strife because he’s new here and his bio is limited and he’s only wrestled one match so far, but so little mention of him is to your detriment. If not Strife, then talk of the match itself, her EUW debut, surely that sparks some feelings? She has come here for a reason, presumably, so she probably has some designs on her debut. If the man she wants is here, then clearly she may need to bust a few skulls to attract his attention.
It’s a shame, because your writing is quite good. It’s very descriptive and intelligent; you clearly know what you’re doing when writing, but overall, the roleplay itself seemed like something that would belong in the locker room instead. I can see all the makings of a formidable opponent in you and your writing, so it’s a pity you didn’t deliver and get really into this one, but I know you had a couple of problems with it. Still, it’s an interesting piece and a very well-written one, just try to get more match relevance in and you’ll be burning down houses before long.
|
|
|
|
Post by kris on Apr 16, 2011 9:36:24 GMT -5
I thought that it was established, in her debut RP which I posted in the Locker Room, that her sole reason for coming to EUW is the massive storyline I am building... but I can see your point in it not being as clear as it could have been. Also not as clear is why she called London a coward; I should have made mention of the fact that she viewed him as such since he had been silent up to that point. Even when I do get into doing proper promos (or do you guys call the trash-talking shoots around here? I don't know, eheh), you'll find that Sachiele doesn't really... talk much.
Also, on a side note; I know you are new to the character, so allow me to point out one little thing that you will soon learn. Sachi's flaw - beyond how she forces herself away from feeling most emotions - is her single-mindedness. She won't bust other peoples' skulls to attract the attention of the one she hunts; instead, she will solely pursue her target... be it in the ring or otherwise. Should I lose this match, then it will become clearer.
Anyway, I appreciate the feedback, and also am quite amused at the idea of Sachiele, the ice queen, the frozen bitch... burning down houses. It probably amuses me more than it probably has all right to, but shush-- I just woke up.
|
|
|
|
Post by kris on Apr 26, 2011 23:07:19 GMT -5
Another RP posted!
And before anyone asks... yes, Sachiele is a fan of The Cure.
|
|
|
|
Post by Mr. C on Apr 28, 2011 5:56:08 GMT -5
I don't want to call it simple, because it seems like a very negative thing to say about this RP. But it's what it was, it did exactly what it set out to without being flashy or drawn-out. The character was established well, and the match relevance was top notch a huge upgrade from last week's effort. There's not much to dislike in the RPs, they do what they mean to. They demonstrate the character well as a no-nonsense tough girl who's looking to prove she can hang with any of the men in this locker room, and I say it's working. Great piece.
|
|
|
|
Post by kris on Apr 28, 2011 18:57:36 GMT -5
They demonstrate the character well as a no-nonsense tough girl who's looking to prove she can hang with any of the men in this locker room, and I say it's working. |
|
|
|
Post by The Cobra Viper on Apr 28, 2011 22:45:01 GMT -5
I agree with both of you and would just add that if that's the point you want to make then, in my opinion, focus more on how you want to take someone out or put them on the shelf. Roy hasn't done it yet but when i would like him to i always have him dissect exactly how he wants to destroy whoever.
As for your rp. I like the language and the length since they add to the character and bring out the directness in her.
|
|
|
|
Post by Mr. C on Apr 29, 2011 3:39:16 GMT -5
They demonstrate the character well as a no-nonsense tough girl who's looking to prove she can hang with any of the men in this locker room, and I say it's working. Then I don't think I got your RP at all.  |
|
Skye
Prospect
EUW In-Ring Announcer[/color]
The cake is NOT a lie!
Posts: 578
|
Post by Skye on Apr 29, 2011 5:22:50 GMT -5
They demonstrate the character well as a no-nonsense tough girl who's looking to prove she can hang with any of the men in this locker room, and I say it's working. However, the guys may read/write from the angle that your character does feel she has something to prove despite whatever she may say to the contrary. Just the old sexism of men (not the real guys here - their characters) not believing what women say over half the time.  |
|
|
|
Post by primetime on Apr 29, 2011 10:32:46 GMT -5
They demonstrate the character well as a no-nonsense tough girl who's looking to prove she can hang with any of the men in this locker room, and I say it's working.  |
|
|
|
Post by irobin on Apr 30, 2011 4:14:35 GMT -5
This roleplay was far more match relevant than your last piece and that’s a good thing. Match relevance is important if you want to win, so it’s good to see it here and you got all your pretty writing and character development in order, too, so I don’t see that it has hindered you at all. I didn’t see this as Sachiele trying to prove that she could hang with the boys, although that might be because you’ve said enough times that Sachiele isn’t interested in proving what she already knows. For me, this read as a girl that was taking on three men that she did not feel were worthy of her time. She doesn’t pay them any particular attention on the grounds that they are male, other than Belleza, although that’s more to do with her interpretation of his character and I imagine that the same sentiments would be made if Belleza was a female, too. Just remember that people misinterpret roleplays from time to time… It’s well written, I think I said before that your writing was highly descriptive and intelligent, that’s very much the case and it’s all nicely formatted without making my eyes hurt. One thing though, I thought you wanted Sachiele to be taken as a serious competitor that could match the men, not some woman that was using feminine wiles to win matches… If that’s the case, why are you forcing the image of Megan Fox showering into the minds of those reading your roleplays? Clearly, that wasn’t a serious point, but the rest were. It’s good roleplay, the match relevance is there this time and that’s great, but it also reminds us of Sachiele’s ultimate goal. She isn’t here to prove herself as tough as any man, or to earn money, or win titles; she’s here for a reason. She has a specific agenda here and that’s in her mind, even with three other men to face. Nice work. |
|
