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Post by Mr. C on Jun 9, 2011 18:35:54 GMT -5
Sometimes the parallels between our RPs are uncanny. This week was no different. I don't know if that says a lot about my RPs or is a knock on yours, but either way I thoroughly enjoyed this effort. As was said, it was structured, well written, emotional and I even giggled when you mentioned fantasy wrestling sites in the RP. You write a story best above all else, and you have found a way to make things match relevant without really trying - that is where our RPs differ. Another great piece, that much we expect from you. But I would dare say that this one was a little beyond great. It was amazing writing all around.
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Post by irobin on Jun 11, 2011 9:20:50 GMT -5
I don’t think you have it in you to write a bad roleplay, Obi, and this one really does show exactly what you’re all about. Clearly, I only know of this Toby Hunter, from his recent return, but I can see why he’s such a well-loved character, and it’s clear that he’s a hero, even if a tough-talking biker doesn’t necessarily seem like the first choice for it.
As is to be expected, it’s well-written and I echo the sentiments of others about how well it flows, despite being broken up by sections, which is something that can make a roleplay feel very disjointed, but that’s not the case with this piece. It’s got a very good flow, and all the technical stuff is there, match relevance, character development and plenty of interest, from Oblivion’s war with the LVC to his relationship with Skye and the bikers to his strange relationship with Raviel and whatever his game is.
It’s clear that the loss of his den mother is troubling Oblivion and it seems that he is heavily burdened by the life he has led. Annette has been taken hostage and now Toby has to part company with Skye because it won’t work out any more. It all seems rather tragic and I can’t help but feel sorry for this guy that seems to be trying his best to do a good job, but just finds himself with more hurt innocents on his conscience instead.
At the same time, he’s moving along, too. His bike gang are still strongly behind him as their leader, and he needs to stay strong for their sake, and for Cole, too, but he is now joined by a strange new ally in Dante Holly, a man that will surely keep him on the right path and I think, a man that could be a great foil for Oblivion. He will provide constant support (and I get the impression that Toby is in need of a bit of that right now) and a different outlook on things, I think this team really has potential to be great.
Anyway, great roleplay man, nothing short of excellent!
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Post by primetime on Jun 11, 2011 15:57:42 GMT -5
(My Grades on a 1-10 scale). Dialog: 10 Description: 9 Content: 9 Length: 10 Match Relevance: 9
Overall Thoughts: Throughout the years, I have experienced a shit ton of excellent roleplays from you. From World Title efforts to battle royals, I can not really think of a time that you disspointed me. This PPV was no exception. I could even go as far as stating that this RP will rank among the best that you have written. The storyline was vintage Oblivion, the writing was on point, and the match relevance was just where it needed to be.
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Post by Obi on Jul 6, 2011 23:49:10 GMT -5
Hello again all! Well, the process of wrapping up my character once and for all has begun. So, alot is happening in this newest RP. Hopefully it all came across well. I tried to keep the Las Vegas Commission as the main focus throughout while adding a few twists here and there. Hopefully, I was worthy to be Jaden's tag team partner after the stellar effort he made in the Xplode RP. Good luck to everybody~
Obi.
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Post by jackbull on Jul 7, 2011 11:38:47 GMT -5
That was a strange Rp dude.
To me Obi came across as a lot more vulnerable and a lot more human than normal, like he a wall was breaking down. It adds depth to him I think.
The scene with his departed wife was a little mental. It seemed like Obi was at quite a low ebb at that point, from which he recovers over the course of the RP. I think that particular strand of the story went a little too quickly for me. It was quite abrupt the swing from being low down to starting to ride high. However I think there is plenty of scope to push that further and develop it more in a future RP or series of RPs, and that could be very interesting to read.
Also, Skye is coming back which can only be awesome!
The underlying plot that was established it the thing that intrigues me the most though. What did Cole mean, that a pinfall wont suffice? What have the Devils Due got planned? More importantly, how will Obi play into this? You established in this RP that fundamentally Obi is a good guy, like the incident with the backstage employee and how Obi - at least in his head if not his actions - had concern for the guy.
That makes me wonder, will Obi go with what Cole has planned? Or will he allow the retribution against the LVC to go only so far before he and Cole come into a moral conflict?
I'm tuned in now.
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Post by Obi on Jul 8, 2011 20:56:18 GMT -5
That was a strange Rp dude. To me Obi came across as a lot more vulnerable and a lot more human than normal, like he a wall was breaking down. It adds depth to him I think. The scene with his departed wife was a little mental. It seemed like Obi was at quite a low ebb at that point, from which he recovers over the course of the RP. I think that particular strand of the story went a little too quickly for me. It was quite abrupt the swing from being low down to starting to ride high. However I think there is plenty of scope to push that further and develop it more in a future RP or series of RPs, and that could be very interesting to read. Also, Skye is coming back which can only be awesome! The underlying plot that was established it the thing that intrigues me the most though. What did Cole mean, that a pinfall wont suffice? What have the Devils Due got planned? More importantly, how will Obi play into this? You established in this RP that fundamentally Obi is a good guy, like the incident with the backstage employee and how Obi - at least in his head if not his actions - had concern for the guy. That makes me wonder, will Obi go with what Cole has planned? Or will he allow the retribution against the LVC to go only so far before he and Cole come into a moral conflict? I'm tuned in now. Thanks for the feedback, friend. You're right, this RP was a bit weird but that was the intention on my end. I wanted to spend more time with the sequence involving Oblivion's late wife but I also had to keep in mind that this is a RP and not a mini novel, you know? I didn't want to lose focus too far from the match. Thank you for the feed back though and I will return the favor.
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Post by Obi on Aug 18, 2011 21:48:51 GMT -5
Well, another chapter in the books! The story of Oblivion is winding down as we head into this ppv. Let me know what you all thought, okay? Chapter two should be up by tomorrow. Thanks!
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James
Veteran
The EUW's Resident Superhero!
Posts: 917
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Post by James on Aug 18, 2011 21:51:07 GMT -5
Personally I can't wait for the book of Revelations come the next time.
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James
Veteran
The EUW's Resident Superhero!
Posts: 917
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Post by James on Aug 18, 2011 21:52:59 GMT -5
And that is to say I thoroughly enjoyed it, I just had to get a laugh out of your baby brother ...
Now return the favor and give him a hug!!!
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Post by kris on Aug 18, 2011 23:18:15 GMT -5
So I have decided, first off, that my other primary character-- 'The Scourge' Allison Detorre-- would actually like Obi. Now I know what you're thinking, what relevance does this have to feedback? The reason is simple; the way that the beating/torture of Zack was written was done perfectly. There was just the right amount of description, the dialogue was believable and Annette coming into the scene when she did was timed just right... and Cole leveling a shotgun at his own son's head? A believable twist that shocked me all the same, something that isn't as easy in this game as a lot of people think it is. About the only thing that you missed was how Zack reacted to getting his face rearranged by a pissed-off woman, since I imagine that he wouldn't have just taken it. I also noticed a couple minor punctuation and coding issues, but they didn't detract from the whole, so they're no big deal.
Now, onward to Raviel... greasy little bastard that he is. While I have not been following this story from the beginning, the way that you wrote this scene explaining just enough of what has happened so that I didn't have to know all of the backstory to understand it.The line of adequate exposition and too much exposition is a tricky bitch sometimes-- and one that snags me quite often, eheh--but you make it look easy. Not much I'd change about this scene, really.
Throughout your RP, match relevance you used was definitely subtle, putting the focus on the story... and considering how this is Obi's swan song, I can't say that I blame you in the least. If anything, seeing as how I come from a largely CD-based background? I'd say that you wouldn't need any beyond the connection between Zack and Mr. Luck. This is obviously a deeply personal feud... and anyone that thinks that one needs to trash-talk and throw around insults in order to get that across needs to read this promo. Good work, Obi.
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CJ
Prospect
Booze Head
Posts: 295
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Post by CJ on Aug 19, 2011 16:23:50 GMT -5
Scale of 1-10. Dialogue: 10 Description: 10 Content: 10 Length: 9 Match Relevance: 9
Feedback. Hot damn, Obi! What the fuck are you, some type of writing cyborg sent to earth to slay the humans?!!?! That was some damn good writing, boy. It was very professional (Not sure what Burrows meant by a few errors) and clean. The storyline though.. holy shit. Sometimes I read your stuff and wonder why the fuck you are even here? My advice, if you are retiring Oblivion.. don't. Put down TITAN instead. Anyway, I loved the story. I gave you a little higher of a score for your match relevance than I wanted to due to you still having to post a second part? Anyway, good luck to you. You're on a different level, dude.
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Post by Obi on Oct 7, 2011 18:54:48 GMT -5
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