Diabolik's Feedback Thread

[Diabolik]

Okay, so with a new Diabolik rp comes a new thread for giving feedback for him.

This time the RP was Through A Bottle Darkly.

One of the inspirations for this was the trailer for the movie A Scanner Darkly, even though it probably doesn't show it. Anyway, please, let me know what you think. Is it good? Bad? Mediocre? Either way, it has been a while since he stopped taking his pills, I figured it was about damn time some consequences happened.

Any and all criticism is welcomed.

Thanks.

[irobin]

Well, I've never seen "A Scanner Darkly", nor its trailer, even though I know you linked to it recently on the board, so I can't comment on whether or not it comes through in the roleplay.

As for the roleplay though, it was pretty good, although it was lacking match relevance a bit. Your mention of Jackal and the match was rather brief, but other than that, it was a decent roleplay. Those sort of crazy scenes seem like the kind of thing that would be difficult to describe and whilst I do feel like you could have done more with it (either more description or just more crazy moments), it was still quite well-written and interesting. Good stuff, and a fun read.

[Diabolik]

Yeah, the latest one was a pile of crap. I know. I'm sorry. I have no excuses. I don't feel happy about it in any way.

[Diabolik]

Okay, I quite enjoyed this one. I don't often do straight interviews, but this one seemed interesting enough to me. What do you guys think?

Also, for anyone wanting to know how the camera guy's short film went... Here it is.

[primetime]

That was a good return RP, bro. I enjoyed it greatly. If you build on that, and really start to let go as I seen you do before, you will finally be back on the Diabolik track. You're a great writer, bro.

[James]

I think this was a solid piece D, it definitely made certain that people realized Diabolik was back and where his motivation was. I thought you could have done a little more with it given the match itself ... call it stepping up your game but then I read it a second time and I kind of changed my viewpoint on that. The dialogue was solid, the setting was perfect for the role play I think and at the end of the day it could be enough to put the title back around the waist of that crazy son of a bitch.

[Diabolik]

And here we go... As some of you may know, when D's dreams get messed up, interesting things start to happen... This is possibly the most fucked up dream sequence I have written. I hope you enjoy it.

Also, sorry for anyone who gets grossed out by this. It was at times a bit weird just to write, but I can assure you, it's all important.

[jackbull]

Dude, you need stronger meds.

[Christian Kane]

I'm all for sex in roleplays!

So uh...good job! ;D

[irobin]

Yours is an interesting piece, that much is for sure.

Technically, it’s well-written and presented and grammar etc. is pretty spot on. Not a whole lot of match relevance, really, you have a little bit at the start and then quickly move on to retrospective thinking and, well, that dream. It was clear what your intention was with this piece, and that the focus was the dream, rather than the match or the opponent. It wasn’t particularly disturbing; I was pretty much raised by the Internet, so it’ll take some doing for me to be bothered by anything in a roleplay here.

Anyway, as a piece of writing, it’s good, as a roleplay, it’s a bit light on match relevance. That’s about it, really.

[primetime]

(My Grades on a 1-10 scale).
Dialogue: 5
Description: 9
Content: 5
Length: 7
Match Relevance: 3

Overall Thoughts: You tried something new this time. I admire that. You also seemed much more interested in this new direction and that is always a good thing as well. So, I am going to applaud that. Your focus on the match was a sore spot and that is the reason as to why we are here. I think my ratings above say it all. Either way, I am interested to see where you go with this story arc. Let's see some more but with a focus on your match as well.

[The Sky King]

• I do find it ironic that, considering when it comes to Orge you're one of his most vocal critics, your RP this week took on a somewhat "Orge" vibe. Normally, I like Orges stuff since it's shocking, it's eye-opening and he manages to knit in match-relevance, but the dream sequence was...well, it basically set up nothing. Zero match relevance, yet some great, clearly visible character development. I feel you will possibly develop more on it, but you should probably have made it a locker-room piece as it did nothing for the match. In fact, the dream sequence seemed unbelievably disjointed from the actual RP. I feel you would have been better writing a decent-sized promo and making that sequence a seperate locker-room RP. However, The sequence for how it was written and executed was brilliant (See third point)
  
• The match relevance you did execute was poor. It was a basic, chock interview. I felt we could have seen interesting stuff, but it felt like basics. Not only that, but it felt like Retribution was an after-thought as opposed to the big picture.
  
• Character development was great. The way you wrote the dream sequence was great (Even if it was somewhat sickening.). You've got a habit for writing great dialogue which develops some great imagery. It's just a sore point that you didn't weave in some more of that match relevance.

[Diabolik]

Yeah, sorry about this one.

On the plus side, though, there's another saga on the way. Expect it to be one hell of a lot better than this.

[Diabolik]

Yeah, it's short, but I quite like it. It says what needs to be said, and doesn't outstay its welcome. That's my view anyway. What do you guys think?