CROSS FEEDBACK

[Mr. C]

Hey guys, I spent more time on this latest RP than any I've done since back when Cross was Pure Champion and I was churning out chapters of a story week in and week out that ended up being over 100 pages on Microsoft Word. I really wanted to put all of my effort in to this match-up, I wanted to respect every competitor in the match, and to be completely honest, I wanted to be the last man standing when it ended. I hope it showed, but I fear upon re-reading I missed the mark, but I posted it regardless, mainly because of the time to the deadline.

Either way, that's what I thought of it. Without swaying any of your opinions by saying why I feel that way, I was wondering if I could have some feedbacks. I rarely use this thread, so I understand I'm a little behind quid pro quo stocks, but know that I will return the favors for all that give feedback unto me this week. If I missed the mark, I'd really like to know what I did wrong to improve on it, I really want to raise Brett Cross to the level he once was again. And if you think I didn't, what specifically was the strengths? You know, generic feedback stuffs.

Thanks, guys!

[primetime]

As you can see, Mr. Tommeh, you did quite well on this period. You were one away from bringing it home for Team EUW. That being said, let me give you some feedback!

Your writing was superb. The subject matter that you brought in terms of Norse mythology was a tad heavy handed, but you somehow wove it into the match and to me, that was pro. Each opponent was addressed in a "Bret Cross" manner, I dug that. What you do, you do very well.

In a match where everything was chaotic and without direction, there was a lot of room to write a generic roleplay and fall into the pack. You rose up from your normal efforts though, and it showed in spades. Cross is getting deeper in character development now. He is no longer just a big man who grunts and proclaims his right to rule. Now, we are seeing what goes on inside of his head and that really helps. Teaming with Sabora last week also brought a new angle to Cross, he is easier to relate to. Keep up the good work, becareful of becoming repetitive, and you should be fine. Congrats on your efforts this week.

[Mr. C]

Thanks, Splodey! I really appreciate your feedback and I definitely see these areas as ways to improve my RPs. Now, not to keep nagging, but could you elaborate on how best to not become repetitive and to lighten up on the mythology? The mythology, of course, is a very integral part of the RPs so I doubt I could remove it at all without ruining the RPs. Should I spend more time in RP explaining names/places, or does that add to the repetition and the length only leading to a more detrimental effect to the RP?

Ideally, what I've always tried to do is show the "RP" side of things, which is the storyline, which is what Cross truly sees and acts on throughout the weeks prior to the match. To him, that's his life, and that's why I spend so much time on it, as that's his preparation. Then the second half is used to relate to the reader and the match, as the storyline I feel doesn't always do a perfect job at mentioning the opponents and match explicitly. Perhaps now would be the time to try and combine the two? Really try and amp up the schizophrenic aspect of the character and weave the two parts of the RP that seem so separate in to one? Or do I stick with what works?

Thanks again for the time, it gives me a lot to think about and even better a lot to work towards and experiment with.

[Obi]

I feel exactly the same as Jaden about your roleplay. Great work there, Tommy. The only thing I feel differently about is that I feel the Norse talk is integral to your character. Don't change a thing. If anything, expand upon it.

As for your last roleplay, I found it a good read. You wrote Cross in a more reader friendly way. I can see the character expanding, and ramping up for the PPV. Congrats on the main event as well. Keep up the good work. You are kicking ass. You definitely look invested once again.

[Mr. C]

Thanks, Obi! I'm glad to see that for some people the mythology hits home. Maybe I will just try and continue to make things reader friendly, throw in just little clues as to the who's and what's and where's in context. Ideally, I'd love to keep fleshing out the character over time, but I love hearing that my efforts showed. Thanks for the feedback!

[Mr. C]

New PPV we're working towards so time for a new storyline in the Brett Cross epic: A True Leader. I started things off with this RP called Nidhogg: The Death Eater. What I went for this time was trying to integrate match relevance in to the actual story itself, do a little back and forth between questions posed in the story and relating it to the match ahead and the times in EUW. Was this one any better or worse than the norm?

I gave a lot of feedback this week so I expect some responses in return!

[Damaged Goods]

(Note: I am pretty excited about seeing the sneak peak of Thor today, so this may have had me liking your RP even more. I am kidding.) Tommy, your rp this week was stellar. I have always loved how you intertwine the Norse sections into the "Real life" sections. It's done in a classy way. Cross stepping down from the world title picture seems odd to me, but that could be a storyline thing. (Very clever) I like that Cross is finally aiming for the leadership role in the locker room, this is something he has deserved for quite some time now.

Cross is a veteran in the EUW, and deserves respect. He was not treated that way by Jack Bull at the last show, so it is interesting to see how Cross tackles this problem. Your last section of the RP was the high point in my book. I liked how you broke Bull down, and put his career in perspective through Cross's eyes. Of course, I have always loved how you bring up past matches and really show how the past comes into play. I loved this RP and found nothing wrong with it.

I was left with just one question. WHEN WILL CROSS FINALLY DEFEAT LOKI!!!!??!!

Great Job, Tom.

[Mr. C]

Thanks Obi! I saw Thor on Easter Monday (perks of being in the UK, I suppose!) and it was IMMENSE. You'll love it! I'm glad the new style didn't affect the RP in your mind. I moved match relevance in to the RP at the recommendation of some of the staff to make it seem like a more fluid piece, and I'm glad it didn't ruin the story.

As for defeating Loki, if he did that... what would I write about?!

[irobin]

Another good piece of writing from you, Tommeh, there are never any doubts over the quality of your writing, so let’s get straight on to the meat of things.

Your roleplay itself was a good read. I got the feeling of apocalypse from it that you talked about within the piece, the feeling that everyone involved, from Brett to his comrades, to the gods themselves, are all in a bad place. The situation is desperate and this is a time for both miracles and heroes, so, step up Brett Cross. I’ll be keen to see where this goes, and how Brett handles this path, he’s on his own in a sense, but he is also the leader, so he’s always got the expectations hanging over him. It gives a real feeling of the load that Brett has to carry, and he has to carry it alone.

I can’t speak for everyone, but I much prefer the style of this roleplay. Weaving the match relevancy into the roleplay at the appropriate points works for me, rather than your previous style where the match relevance sometimes felt “tacked on”. It didn’t feel disjointed to me, which is clearly the problem with this sort of thing, so that’s good, and it made it far easier to understand any such metaphors. You made it quite clear that the Nidhogg is representative of Jack Bull, but interspersing the “wrestling” side of Brett’s story with the Viking epic helps me to piece it all together and understand it better than I sometimes do. For me, it worked and I think it helped you. Keep it up!

[Mr. C]

Thanks Jace! You and Luck gave fantastic details on how to improve via PM and I'm glad I took the proper steps.

[primetime]

(My Grades on a 1-10 scale).
Dialog: 10
Description: 9
Content: 8
Length: 8
Match Relevance: 7






Overall Thoughts: Solid outing from you this period, Tom. You know your shit when it comes to the Brett Cross character and it showed in spades this time around. I do not think overall that match relevance was an issue but when inserted into a RP that seems to be directed towards the main story (Yes, the non match related parts seemed like the main story), the match relevance begins to look a little thin. That is a matter of taste though. Still a solid read.

[Mr. C]

Aw, thanks! I wasn't even requesting feedback!

But if anyone else has any thoughts, I won't turn them away...