Shawn Ashen Feedback

[Shawn Ashen]

I've posted a debut rp in the locker room and would greatly appreciate some feedback. This is my first time writing as this character, so I really wanted to nail the type of man that he is. Please give your input for me. I really appreciate it.

[primetime]

Let's get to some feedback. The best part about people posting in the locker room is.. I can give you my thoughts on roleplays without issue. So, that being said, here we go!

The writing was good. I didn't see anything that I would have changed there. You had a great opening segment. I saw that you quickly established the character in terms of his seriousness and focus. This guy is all about making the money and having power. Sounds about right to me. I immediately understood would Shawn was about, so mission accomplished there. For a debut roleplay, you got the job done.

The only thing I found off was that you seemed like you didn't stray far from your real life poser's (JBL) gimmick. JBL had that same persona going in the WWE. I almost felt like that was who I was reading about. Again, this is a debut roleplay, so you may have just needed a starting point. When I first started, people called me a carbon copy of Triple H. So, I feel you there.

Good showing, I look forward to seeing more from ya.

[The Cobra Viper]

I agree with the boss in that it was a very good debut and i did feel that i was reading about a bitchier JBL but that is neither here nor there.

Very good story and defining your character a few grammatical errors but we all have that. My only issue is Shawn answering to the board. since the board already gave their power to Chad. Just a storyline confusion that's all.

Overall great you should do well here.

[Shawn Ashen]

Thanks for the feedback you two. I know he seems a lot like JBL, that's why I tried to focus more on the business aspect rather than just the general rich nature. Any suggestions on what I can do to fix this?

[The Sky King]

I dunno, I didn't really see the "JBL" gimmick coming through. To me, JBL was more of a chock-standard "I'm rich and got rich by the stock market which means i'm insta-better." This RP is more business-centric and more about a man enjoying a position of power and money rather than rubbing it in anyones face. The whole prospect of WHY Ashen is joining up (To solely spread his own name and keep fit, not going for titles or just to beat the living shite out of people) is also incredibly original.

I loved it personally. It was a great introduction to the character. A few grammatical mistakes here and there (But that really isn't something to go out of your way to fix) but in all honesty? I thought this was a great debut RP: Short, simple and introduced the character to EUW.

If you want to fix it, i'd suggest focusing more on the business aspect (As you said) rather than "I'm rich which means get-the-fuck-outta-my-face-peasant". But I saw that in the RP, so I don't really get where these two are coming from. (Honestly, I don't remember JBL being anything more than "I'm rich la la la la") I'm sure someone will correct me, though

[Shawn Ashen]

I have posted my first official match rp for SNV on the boards. I would really appreciate some feedback to help with my writing.

[Shawn Ashen]

Everyone,

I missed on feedback last time, so I'd really like some for this week's rp. I tried to give a bit of a look at the average day of Shawn Ashen while tying everything to my match with Immanuel Taylor. Hopefully I did just that. I'd really appreciate some feedback. Here's the link:

euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=rpsnv&action=display&thread=5541&page=1

Thanks in advance guys.

[irobin]

Alright, feedback for Ashen then.

First off, you are lacking a bit in terms of match relevance. About half of the roleplay goes to your match and EUW-related stuff, the other half is all about brokering this deal with Nokia. It's possible that because you pointed out that Ashen was reluctant to discuss wrestling, I took that to mind, but it seems as if he skirts around the actual match with Taylor, choosing instead to talk more about beating down Heath Savage and making money. Maybe that's just my interpretation though.

Unfortunately, I did not get into the whole investment money-making stuff, it does not appeal to me any more than it did back in my dreary Economics classes in College. So, for me, that stuff was a bit dull, but the rest was decent. You've got Shawn looking up information on similar wrestlers in Finland, because very little is known about Taylor at this stage, and he's clearly a very confident man. He believes that his strategy will work and he's going to walk all over Taylor and anyone else that comes to face him.

The writing's good, no faults there, although some of the conversation seemed a little awkward. Maybe that's just formal business speak, but other than that, the writing's solid. So, I might suggest that you talk more about Ashen being a rich douchebag and laughing at the poor folk, rather than setting up major business contracts in detail. But, as I said before, that's just a subject that I find dull anyway, so it's probably just my own lack of interest in the subject getting in the way. It's well-written and the whole thing goes to remind the reader that Shawn Ashen is better and smarter than the common man. He's holding all the Aces... For now.

[Shawn Ashen]

Everyone,

It's good to be back! I have posted my rp for SNV on the boards and would really appreciate some feedback. I tried to integrate some of the previous advice given in feedback, so I would like to know how well it came off. Thanks in advance.

[irobin]

Last time I gave you feedback, I was concerned that it had been a bit harsh, but it was honestly what I thought. I continue the trend of speaking honestly by saying that this time around, I really enjoyed your piece. You had cut down significantly on the “business” talk that I felt made your roleplay drag and by reducing that this time, it made the piece a lot easier to read and more enjoyable. Anything that feels too much like a chore is a downer, so it was great to see that change this time around.

I also commented that some of your conversation felt a little awkward, but that wasn’t the case this time, although there was less conversation. The dialogue felt more fluid and more natural so that’s another plus point. You also included a much greater level of match relevance than before which helps, too. All in all, I enjoyed this piece and found myself pleasantly surprised by it. It was a good roleplay on all accounts and I hope you’re able to keep this level up in future weeks. As a character, Ashen has grown on me and he seems to employ almost ever heel trait imaginable – he’s intelligent, rich, powerful, arrogant and a willing cheat. He’s even willing to beat up a woman to secure a match win. He’s got all the makings of the super-heel.

One thing that I do query though, and it’s an odd “Kayfabe” point so it isn’t necessarily a big deal, but how does winning matches give Ashen a better business standing? Sure, people might not want to do business with a known “loser”, but short of threatening to bully clients, I don’t really see the connection between winning matches and securing better business. Maybe that’s something to address in a future roleplay? As I said though, I enjoyed your roleplay, it was a good piece, technically good and well-written, so my point’s more of a question than a criticism and I don’t want to take away from what was a good roleplay with a character question.

[Shawn Ashen]

Everyone,

I would greatly appreciate some feedback on my SNV rp. I've been trying to find the right balance between talking about opponents and highlighting the business acumen, thus I'd appreciate some input to see how that is coming off. I welcome any and all feedback from anyone willing to give it.

Thanks in advance everyone.

[The Cobra Viper]

unsure if you wanted feedback or not but i'm working my way through the rps so if you don't mind.

I liked it. As you said stuff prevented you from elaborating on it but i liked it. Granted i like the character and how you combine his two jobs and make it believable. Is it your best piece no but it's continuing your standard when you barely had time and that is something to be said. Good luck in your match.

Roy Viper

[Shawn Ashen]

I just realized I haven't requested feedback in a while, so I decided to give it a shot this time around. I was hoping to get some thoughts on my latest work. I'm still trying to get the right balance, so I was wondering if someone could let me know how things are coming off. Thanks.

[kris]

I'm a fan of description myself, so I can appreciate how much you use. It's definitely a vivid picture you're painting, making it easy to envision. However, I think that some things were a little overexplained-- ie., 'It made him a disgusting human being, but he had never been the type to care about the perception of others.' You did a good job of showing that, so there is no need to also tell the reader on top of that since it's overkill... if that makes any sense.

Beyond that and some minor grammatical errors, y'did good.

[The Sky King]

• I love how Ashens still developing into a complete and utter asshole. Between your RPs and your involvement in the federation and with Scorpion, you're easily becoming one of the biggest darkhorses in the federation.
  
• Ashens attitude towards Jakeway..It's eerily systematical and business-minded. It's downright ruthless. It's brilliant. It really gives Ashen that aura of doing things for business as opposed to going out there and putting on a show. It gives a great edge to the character.
  
• The match relevance is slightly lacking, overshadowed by the great character development that's become the standard for your roleplays. Might be something to think about improving on.
  
• Layout wise, grammar wise? Perfect. Well laid out, and easy to read. Top-notch job.

[Shawn Ashen]

Thanks a ton for the feedback everyone. Mr. Luck I'll try to keep the relevance thing in mind for the future. Thanks for trying to help me out.