Tom "The Eh" Roberts Becomes Tom "The Eh" Roberts

[Commissioner Warrior™]

Tom “The Eh” Roberts. That's what they call me. I don't do much nowadays, but that's still what they call me. What? What do you mean why do they still call me that? Hello, it's who I am! Seriously, this isn't rocket science guys. Anyways, getting back to what I was saying. That's what they call me. What? Why is my phone ringing? Ugh, I guess I'll answer it. Hello? “Tom 'The Eh' Roberts?” Yeah, that'd be me. “You will be taking part in a special EUW event soon.” Really? That actually sounds kind of fun. I'm in! “Very good. I advise you, Tom “The Eh” Roberts, to start preparing. You will be taking on Warrior.” What? Since when am I wrestling again? Wait, since when is HE wrestling again? It's like we're in some alternate universe where everything's backwards. Hehe.

Really though, Warrior? I swear me and that guy have been at each others throats or on each others sides or something for years now. Every time we think we're done with each other, something else like this happens. I swear. Someone must be obsessed with watching us wrestle. I need to figure out how Warrior is doing nowadays. I mean, he can't be that good, right? He's been out just about as long as me, so that'll put us about on an even playing field. I'll just go over to my computer here, and look up some news on EUW. There we go, and there's Warrior. Looks like he's facing Diabolik...in a few weeks...and has been wrestling for several weeks. Seriously? What kind of sick joke is this? I mean, back in the day I could have tackled Warrior. But this Tom “The Eh” Roberts can't. No, I'm going to have to change. I'm going to have to become something entirely different to take him on. That crazy bastard and his crazy daughter are going to have a nasty surprise in store for them. Hand me my mask.

Oh right, there's no one else here. This is so much more fun if you have a sidekick or lackey. You see now, I just have to go get my mask. And I mean, really? How much fun is that in comparison? Not at all. Here I go then, walking into the other room. I'm opening up my closet, and there's my mask and my full suit. Yeah, this is me. Taking my stuff in a completely anticlimactic fashion. Nope, no magic machine that closes only to open up and reveal the 'new and improved' Tom “The Eh” Roberts. Just me standing here, changing clothes. You know what, get out. Go in there while I finish changing. Yes, the imaginary you. Go pretend you're not in here while I finish changing. So that when I come out it's a big deal. There, I just slammed the door in your imaginary face. This is me, singing the theme song to Jeopardy while I finish changing. There, I'm done. Now stand back whilst I bust this door down for the big reveal!

Here I stand! I am Tom “The Eh” Roberts! I have returned to this form as it is the one which Warrior will not be able to handle! I'll pow and I'll bang! I'll kaboom and I'll poontang! Okay, that didn't make any sense, but it rhymed. Get over it. The fact of the matter is, he will fall! In order to be ready for him, I am going to need to gather intel on what shall henceforth be known as Modern Day Warrior. This is where the adventure begins. If I am going to defeat him in this contest whilst being controlled by him, I need to know my enemy and puppeteer! What? How can you of all people not know what I'm talking about? Seriously, it's like I'm talking to a wall here. Anyways, moving on. It's Colorado time! Really? Colorado? I never got that. I mean of all places, some bumfuck nowhere town on a mountain in Colorado? Who comes up with this crap?

Trusty katana, check. Shotgun, check. Moleskine, check. What? You don't have a Moleskine? They're surprisingly handy. I carry it around with me everywhere nowadays, even on missions like this. It's not small and awkward like this little shitty flip over notepads. At the same time though, it's not some humongous composition book. Plus, it comes with that little 'History of the Moleskine' thing, and those are always fun to read when you get one. And fourth wall, check. I'll have to try and piece that together at some point here. Maybe. Onward! It takes some time, but I gather the last of my things and exit my apartment, I guess that's what I live in. Sure, an apartment sounds like a plausible option here. It could be upscale, it could be downscale, it could be big or small. Hell, I could even have roommates or a girlfriend there. Definitely a good choice.

So I leave my apartment. I commandeer a ship of the fleet, oops, wrong reference. I punch in the jetpack cheat code and one spawns in front of me. It's so handy as it has just enough fuel to bring me to the top of the mountain and land me down the street from the home of Modern Day Warrior. The tension rises as I draw closer and closer. You see that over there, getting higher and higher! It's the tension! Feel it rising! I look to the side of the house and see a cellar entrance to the basement. Cleverly, I break open the lock and sneak into his home undetected. He doesn't know I'm there. What? How do I know? Because I said so, that's how! Now on with the story! Standing in the basement, I suddenly hear the door to upstairs begin to open. Thinking quickly, I bolt to a hidden corner and place myself out of sight.

Into the room walks Modern Day Warrior. He shouts up out of the basement. “It's not down here honey. Wait, nevermind. I've got it.” Realizing that this is my key opportunity whilst the door is open and the lights off, I stealthily bolt up the stairs. In reality, I wasn't that stealthy. Luck was on my side though! At the moment I trampled up the stairs, Modern Day Warrior made his clumsy attempt at picking up whatever it is he came down to fetch and getting back to the stairs. In the process, he of course knocked over several things and arose such a clatter. I reached the main section of the house and dipped and dodged into a concealed spot. Where? Who cares where? I'm concealed because I said so, deal with it. He makes his way up the stairs, holding an old box of tapes.

For what seems to go on forever, Modern Day Warrior and his daughter Warriorgirl, yeah. That's what I'll call her. Warriorgirl. Well Modern Day Warrior and Warriorgirl sit down in front of the television and proceed to watch some odd mix of old tapes including long ago matches of his, matches of upcoming opponents including me, and odd and end home videos. Like a ninja, I run to the door and pull it open, darting out and slamming it behind me. Truly if I compared myself to a ninja, it would be a very bad one at that. I stood up, stomped loudly to the door with good speed, and pulled it open and then slammed it. They obviously saw me. Or did they?! Perhaps I was the perfect ninja upon escape! Or perhaps I should stop standing on their porch monologuing whilst he realizes what the fuck has just happened. Away!

I spawn another jetpack and off I am to the arena. The show is very soon, and I need to make last minute preparations. One thing is certain though, I now know what it is that I am up against. I know what to expect from Modern Day Warrior and his trusty sidekick Warriorgirl. I expect some reminiscing, hope at 'reliving the old days', and some gushy father and daughter hugs before and after the match. I say after simply because once I finish with Modern Day Warrior, the only thing that will keep him from weeping is Warriorgirl. He won't want to cry in front of her. Why will he be crying? Why I'm so glad you asked! It's almost like every time I have a point to make, something is there to prompt me to make it. Don't you like how that works? Of course you do. Now on to my point.

Tom “The Eh” Roberts can't handle Modern Day Warrior. He could fight and team with Warrior, but not Modern Day Warrior. No, Tom “The Eh” Roberts would fail! It's a good thing he's gone then. Because at...whatever it is that we're fighting at...I will be taking on Modern Day Warrior and Warriorgirl will be right at his side. Modern Day Warrior will be no match for Tom “The Eh” Roberts! No! I shall fight and bite and scratch and patch! I'll huff and I'll puff! And at long last, Tom “The Eh” Roberts will conquer Modern Day Warrior. Why? What do you mean why? Because I fuckin' said so. That's why.