Feedback: The Secret Garden

[The Scorpion]

To all,

I have posted an rp for my upcoming match against Brett Cross on the appropriate board. Since Cross is a high-ranking adversary, I tried my best to kick my writing up a notch. As such, I would appreciate any and all feedback from my peers, since I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing.

euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=rpsnv&action=display&thread=4824&page=1

Thanks,
Adam (The Scorpion)

[Kurt Noble]

Like I said in another review topic, I hope it's okay that I'm reviewing your work. I'm still new, so I hope my feedback isn't viewed in a negative light. Anyway...

Noble Feedback:

I'm a sucker for Bible quotes and religous themes in RPS. Bible quoes, in my opinion, are strong ways to open RPs, and are especially powerful if the theme presented in the quote is reoccuring in the RP itself. Nice touch.

I think you have a marvelously elegant writing style. You know how to write, and this is an intriguing style...however, it comes as a bit of a double-sided sword to me. I'm loving the use of love and purity as foils for ignorance and gluttony...but at the same time, I find it difficult for me to imagine this as a "role-pkay." Please don't take it as an attack on your style, as Im enjoying reading this, it's just a personal thing. For example, I've read about five paragraohs, and there's been no scene or character introduced. I'm wondering, if I saw this, how would I see it? Once again, not a criticism, just something from my point of view.

Okay, you're introducing him. One small thing: Maybe make the beginning soliloquy italicized? Just makes it easier to distinguish from when you bring a more tangible aspect to the RP.

I love the Garden allusions and setting. Really a selling point for the scene.

As I said before, I really enjoy religous undertones. Clearly, that's your style, and it's a strong one. My advice for your actual dialogue is to break it up a bit more. People get discouraged when they see enormous paragraphs. I know we're not children, and can read multiple sentences in a row, just remember that presentation is key when writing. Maybe use more physcial actions to mirror your war-themes dialogue. You have a lot of them after your dialogue, but I think it can be effective to wove them in-between. Food for thought?

Like I mentioned before, it's difficult to distinguish physcial actions from metaphysical concepts in this RP. I really thinking something simple like italics would do wonders.

Overall, you're a strong religious writer, and you have probably the most faith-drien character I've ever seen. My only real critiques are some structural changes, but other than that, excellent job!

[The Scorpion]

Kurt,

I'm new myself, so do not be concerned with your relatively short time in the fed. I understand your points and will definitely take them into consideration. Thanks for taking the time to feedback (you'll learn that's a bit of a rarity in EUW). Much obliged.

Thanks,
Adam (The Scorpion)

[Mr. C]

The irony is that the feeling of "Oh, I'm facing someone good, so I better step it up!" hit me as well.

As for feedback, my primary concern was in length. While all of it beautiful illustrated the metaphors you wished, I felt some of it dragged on, as if you were beating the point to death. But then, when I wrote my own RP, I felt length was an issue on mine as well. I guess that's just human nature, the more is better policy.

But truthfully, I enjoy your work. It's rough waters to wade through if you aren't able to focus while reading it, but the literary elements are certainly present; allusion, alliteration, all that fun high school English vocabulary stuff that I for some reason remember. It's technically sound in every way, shape and form, but I think the catch for me is if I'm not 100% honed in on what I'm reading, I'll most certainly stray, and at times throughout the RP, my mind did just that.