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Post by Diabolik on Oct 2, 2010 7:39:53 GMT -5
Okay, I know it's short, and for that I apologise.
On the other hand, what does everyone think? I tried to make it seem like Eddie's thought process, showing his two main concerns as well as his attitude, while also retaining match relevance. Hoopefully I have managed this.
Good luck to everyone.
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Post by Mr. C on Oct 2, 2010 8:02:09 GMT -5
For what you set out to do, I thought it was perfect. There was incredible flow, he touched on all that needed to be, with regard to both storyline and match relevance. It transitioned very well between the paragraphs from one thought to the other. And it kept my attention because you got that kind of peek in to Laurel's schema, I like that kind of stuff, seeing how a character ticks.
My only critique I guess would be that I felt you could have done more. The idea is great but I think you could have taken everything a step further by first setting a scene. Perhaps, Eddie Laurel's sitting by a large fireplace, and just reflecting. I would have liked to see just a bit more, and while I don't think it could have been done through the soliloquy, I feel an extra paragraph in the beginning setting up the rest of the writing would have been a nice touch. Something to give it a bit more depth without ruining the integrity of what you set out to do.
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