Feedback: The Dichotomy of Good and Evil

[The Scorpion]

To all,

I have posted my first official, non-development rp for EUW for the upcoming show. It has been a while since I have written in this style for an actual match, therefore I would appreciate any feedback that can be provided. If positive, I thank you in advance. If negative, I only ask for appropriate politeness.

euw23.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=mnsrps&action=display&thread=4695

Thanks,
Adam (The Scorpion)

[Commissioner Warrior™]

I read the majority of it, though I did skim a few spots. Now I think that's more the fault of my inability to stay focused on one thing than at all an issue with your writing.

Now speaking of the writing, it is great in my opinion. The concept I love, and you're writing it very well. I began to worry a ways in that you wouldn't include enough or any match relevance, but you tied Jenkins in a few paragraphs later. On the whole, I thought it was great.

Now, and this is just my opinion. It felt like it dragged on sometimes, almost as if it was unnecessarily long. Like you could have just as effectively said what you had to say, with just as much oomph, in about half as many words. Even despite that feeling though, on the whole it was still a great read and well written.

And as I said, I love the concept. It's a different take on 'explaining why you're heel', that fits really well.

[James]

I don't usually do feedback here as it poses a conflict of interest as staff, but for new people what the hell.

I've told you once before, but I am supremely jealous of your ability. Warrior echoes what a number of people have said that they are 'long', but in my opinion, it's perfect length. There's a difference between droning on with the same thing, and adding detail, which you do supremely well. I also think that not being as meticulous and descriptive wouldn't do the character justice (though I have the advantage of knowing a bit about the character)

He's very introspective, but observant, and the added detail in a way brings us into the role play. When Toby ran EUW he talked about immersion in the fed and the storylines, and that's what the reader, or I at least, get in your role plays.

I'll agree with War on the fact that your take on a heel is refreshing, taking the best elements of a number of 'sterotypical' heels, and bringing them into one person.

As always, it was a pleasure to read Adam, and I can't wait for next week.