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Post by irobin on Apr 30, 2011 4:15:44 GMT -5
I’ll start by concurring with War War about those separators that you use. It stretches the page and there’s something about it that doesn’t look right to me. I can’t explain it, but maybe just use a handful? Three is enough to show the spacing, ten is plenty… You’re going for overkill right now.
If there’s one thing you always manage to do, it’s the way you insert match relevance without making it obvious. It’s a real skill to be able to have several paragraphs of discussion or actions that are all match relevant but don’t consist of “blah, blah, blah, opponent sucks, blah, strategy, blah, blah”. It’s almost entirely character development whilst being very match relevant at the same time. It’s very impressive.
Clearly, length is not an issue for me, although as Tommeh mentioned, there were some proper blocks of text here. Not quite walls, but that might be something to keep an eye on, however, in a strange way, they helped. Most of them came about when Luck was preaching and it almost added to the feeling of him ranting about his superiority as if it was a genuine, fervent belief that he held. And, as I’m sure he feels that way, then maybe it does help more than hinder.
The two pieces do flow together as one, possibly down to the fact that you cut off the ending here for the beginning of the next one. Both were huge in their own rights, so I for one appreciate the split. Both were good, but I think I preferred the first half, although the ending to the second was very well written and definitely did the job of solidifying the team as a cohesive unit and not just an alliance. These men do appear to be leading the line as what a tag team should be, united and all in sight of the same goals. Even Zack, who begins as the doubter comes full circle to know and understand the beliefs that Luck subscribes to.
I did read your previous effort (against F-1), although I’ll admit that I haven’t re-read it since, but my memory is that I liked it and thought that F-1 had his work cut out for him trying to match it. Turns out he didn’t bother, so that’s moot, but as for Luck being a villain… Well, that’s always been the case. Going back to the Jace/F-1 vs. LVC tag match for the titles, even then I told you that Luck was a character that was easy to loathe. He’s hot a lot of typical heel attributes, from the money and fame to the ego; there really isn’t anything to like about the guy, short of his ability to get the job done in the ring. That’s more respecting him than liking him, anyway, so perhaps there isn’t anything to like about Luck. He is meant to be kind to his allies, but he shows disdain for Zack at times, so even those close to him aren’t guaranteed to be treated kindly.
He’s definitely coming across as a despicable character and this whole Oblivion angle should help emphasise this further, as actions will speak louder than words. It’s a chance for Luck to really make his claim as the “bad” guy by going up against one of the biggest faces around. You don’t need that sort of opponent to be a dick, but it will give you plenty to work from. I’m looking forwards to seeing the angle get started properly. It should make for very interesting reading from the both of you.
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Post by The Sky King on May 10, 2011 18:31:58 GMT -5
Soooo..I lost my last match. Normally, losing a championship would be a disdain, it would cause a handler to freak out and go "Fuck it, why try?". I thought that at first, but instead decided to turn my feelings into an RP. It's something i've been tweaking in between assignment submissions, assignment writing and the like, so if there's any parts missing or parts that don't connect, please holler.
This is the first of four parts. It's experimental (Which is why i'm not saving it for when I get booked next), it's going to solely develop the character and round off Luck as more of a complete heartless bastard, and it's going to (hopefully) be a vast improvement on my previous pieces. I actually began writing it after starting to watch wrestling religiously for the first time in several years. For some reason, it's actually started to gain my interest a little bit, and it helped me write this beast. I guess this means I will be watching a lot more from now on!
Fear not, The Rubicon Saga hasn't ended yet, it will soon, but Morgenrot, as I said, is just an experimental saga. I've decided to switch to italicizing the speech, but I have no idea if it makes it easier to read or not. I've ditched the ridiculous page-stretching boundaries too in favour of three dividers. I've adopted a more heavy character development. If I can somehow keep this character development while intermingling it with match relevance, do you recommend keeping it? Also, what about the text and the use of adverbs, adjectives, similes etc;? I tend not to do them heavy in normal RPs since sometimes I think they do overegg the pudding, but do you think they add something? or not?
I also added a song too. Why? It's something that I hope a few people might click on while reading the part of the RP that follows it...It got me in the mood to write the ending, so i'm hoping that the mood of the song will really put you in the feet of a downtrodden, dirty outcast sitting in the icy woods on a spring evening, breathing out clouds of breath as rain bullets down from the sky.
Part II should be up Friday. Parts III and IV should hopefully be up for the weekend (Assignment editing and proof-reading permitting). I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
NOTE: May as well add this just in case no-ones viewed my judging criteria topic: I'm now going to be judging other peoples RPs during the weekends between shows. For the reasons why, just head over to the topic. I figured i'd add it just to assure you that i'm not being greedy and asking for feedback without the intent of giving it.
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Post by jackbull on May 12, 2011 0:00:47 GMT -5
In points (contains spoliers obviously for those that haven't read Lucks RP):
-- The song was quite fitting. It gets a bit mental at the end, but at least for the first few minutes or so the track perfectly fits the position that Luck is in. Sitting alone, desolate and dejected on an eery night.
-- In general it does a good job of passing on to the reader what is going on in Lucks mind, his mental state after the loss. There is no ambiguity about the fact that Luck is gutted, absolutely broken to have lost the match and that he feels shame for what has happened. He feels shame for giving the belts to two people he believes are lesser beings, unworthy of the gold.
-- The description of the setting was good. It was easy to picture where Luck was at all times without having to elaborately describe all the fine details, letting the mind fill in the gaps. That's a difficult skill to master own its own and I think this was a fine example of how it should be done.
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Post by primetime on Jun 11, 2011 16:47:51 GMT -5
(My Grades on a 1-10 scale). Dialog: 8 Description: 8 Content: 8 Length: 7 Match Relevance: 9
Overall Thoughts: First of all, you are cranking out some historic shit, Phil. You seem to be enjoying a new prime so to speak in terms of writing. This feud between the LVC and Oblivion has allowed you to spread your wings and really let it fly. I enjoyed the heel moments in your series. Watching Luck really become the top heel in the fed has been a pleasure to read. I did feel that the segments repeated themselves at times and carried on a bit longer than I would have liked. This does not mean that they were no Ace efforts though. You are ready to hit the top, bro. Keep on doing what you do.
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Post by The Sky King on Jul 31, 2011 18:40:44 GMT -5
Wowzers. Over a month without a feedback, let's hope it changes.
Yeah, i've been writing like a bastard tonight. This first part has been over a week in writing, painstakingly combing over every last letter to make sure that nothing is out of place. I want to win.
...So, this is it: The end of the Rubicon Saga. It's been a fun ride, but it all ends here, and it's all been building to one last roll of the dice.
So, please rate the first part of three. (Yes, there will be three.) I've changed my usual style of writing in chunky paragraphs, and i've broken things up more, as well as adopted a more script-like style to display the speakers. This is so the readers don't have to wade through giant walls of text to read the roleplay: It's more easier to read like this, in my opinion. This is also the same reason for splitting it into parts: I did the same with my Meltdown RPs because it was easier to keep a flow going (Plus, if the reader wants to step back, hey, you have page dividers!) while keeping things broken up enough for it to not to be overwhelming. Of course, if any believes that the formatting hurts my RP, I will change it for the next 2 chapters.
Yes, the tables and centering have returned. It's not an excuse to artifically bolster length or anything. Just bear with it. I wanted to make it a little more..prettier than my usual roleplays. Of course, if anyone hates it, i'll dump it for the next part.
I understand it's lengthy, but you'll have to bear with it for this parting trio of Rubicon roleplays
Content wise..It's for you to judge. I have went for a more balanced character development-match relevance style, though, whereas before i'd focus mostly on match relevance. I wanted to really convey how much Luck hates Oblivion, and how much Zacks kidnapping really affected him. If anything is hypocritical, don't worry: It's meant to be.
One last thing: Tempus Naminem Manet means "Time waits for no-one" in Latin.
So..yeah. Rate, please. I would really appreciate it, even if it's only a few random lines. This is the big one here. Not everyone gets to face Oblivion, so i'm doing my damnedest to make every single word count.
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Post by jackbull on Jul 31, 2011 23:30:22 GMT -5
Okey Dokey:
- It started off really well, as we get insight into Lucks fucked up sense of justice over Zack being kidnapped, his theory that this is somehow different to when Luck captured Annette.
- The bodyguards getting beat up was quite powerful, partly because of the visceral descriptions which gave us a good idea of just what they were going through, and also because of what it revealed about Lucks mental state, with him transferring his own guilt at being unable to defend Zack onto the bodyguards,
- Luck crying was quite an epic moment. It revealed the turning of the tables in the game as Luck got a taste of his own medicine and we found out just what kind of impact that has on him and how well he's able to cope with it.
- Lucks despair at the "rules" of the game being broken was interesting. Classic sort of Bully/sore loser mentality, expecting a fair game when it favours him but complaining when Oblivion pulled the very same trick on him in return,
- Overall the revelations of Lucks mental state were intriguing, providing depth and motivation.
- Seeing Luck as vulnerable is the natural extension of this. It was such a huge change compared to his normal appearance of being very cocky and arrogant, and it came off really well, adding a lot to the RP and the character in general.
- Him eventually Realising the connection/similarity to a degree between himself and Obi was a nice touch. The idea that they're the same guy but on slightly different sides of a moral line, at least in the eyes of the fans. It brought home the feud element, the personal nature of it, the idea that the feud is fundamentally 'meant to be'.
- However... The second and third parts kind of dragged for me. I felt that there were little elements in there that could have been extracted from the surrounding text and perhaps fused together to make a shorter second part.
For example, the scenes with Zack's parents felt really out of place. I just didn't care that much about his parents, wasn't interested in what they had to say and by the end of their scene I legitimately resented them for wading in and dragging the RP down with their presence.
Bizzarely, and perhaps contradictorally, they also provided that key moment when Luck saw them holding hands. Now that's an element I felt could have been taken and used in a different way, perhaps with Luck watching from the kitchen as Dave explained the situation to them.
That would have had Luck see them crying and comforting each other... and then the penny drops. He could have had his revelation and his fist pounding moment in the kitchen, without having to sit down with the parents.
Then I think you could have played on having Luck not able to go in and face them, through guilt and a little cowardice, revealing deeper apsects about Luck rather than another statement of revenge to the parents, something already covered in the first part.
On a big plus note from that scene though; the line where Luck was going on about Oblivion this, Oblivion that etc, his frustration building with the sycophantic attitude that people and fans sometimes seem to have to Oblivion, ending with the "just die" line. That one sentence/section there, followed by the fist thumping on the table was more powerful for me than the entire third part.
I think if you could have found a way to bring the idea of the "brotherhood" between Luck and Oblivion from part 3 and put it together into part two along with the bits mentioned above, and dumping the parents, that would have rounded it off brilliantly and would have made - potentially - an almost untouchable RP. In my opinion at least.
So yeah, very good at first but began to drag out in the middle and by the end it felt like Luck was riding over already well trodden ground. A bit of condensing and editing and it would have been out-fucking-standing.
Hope this helps. This is shaping up to be a pretty legendary final battle.
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CJ
Prospect
Booze Head
Posts: 295
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Post by CJ on Aug 16, 2011 16:45:11 GMT -5
Sup dude. I figured I would drop you some feedback since I just read your work for the ppv. I want to point out that I am not the greatest writer myself, so take anything I say as a personal opinion only. No harm is meant.
Here is the generic feedback first.
1-10 scale. Dialogue: Both parts = 8 Description: both parts = 6 Content: Part One = 8, Part 2 = 5 Length: Both parts = 5 Match Relevance: Overall... 7 Overall rating: 6/10
Overall Thoughts: I wanted to really like this series from you. I have been keeping up with the LVC stuff for the last few months (You made me a fan of yours) and normally, you are a personal favorite of mine. The growth of your characters has been wonderful to be a part of as a reader. Sadly, this time around I didn't get that feeling.
The first part of your series was an interesting enough read and it held my attention.. I wouldn't say it was your best by far and I would even go as far as saying.. I felt like I heard it all before? Please forgive me if this upsets you, it was just my take on it. I was able to accept it though and move on, figuring it would all wrap up nicely. Now, after reading part two I can honestly say that you may have hurt the first one by doing another. The second part was not only more of the same stuff that Luck has been all about for the last few months... but it was a different take on the first part in my mind. It didn't do anything for the first chapter is what I am trying to say I guess.
For the last few months, Luck has been really getting to Oblivion and beating him at his own game. The content has been fresh and intense every show. This time though, it was a rerun of what has taken place to this point. We had the "I WILL DEFEAT OBLIVION BECAUSE HE THINKS HE IS SO GOOD" stuff and in my mind, Luck is better than that. He is a deep character who would want to defeat someone for more of a reason beyond "-BECAUSE HE THINKS HE IS SO GOOD". Of course, I am summing up stuff and there was more reasons there, (Kidnapping, etc) but didn't Luck kidnap Oblivion's mom as well? Then why would he feel so surprised and taken back when the favor is returned in kind? I don't know. Maybe I read too far into things?
Anyway, this again is just feedback. Overall it was a great series from you once again, I just didn't feel it was up to your level. Don't hate me too much, okay?
Good luck to you.-CJ
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Post by The Sky King on Aug 16, 2011 17:51:08 GMT -5
Well, I won't bother trying to sell it to you or anything. If the second part was disappointing to you, then it was disappointing. Can't really change that.
That just means if I lose, then i'm going to be fucking kicking myself for a long time. Fuck.
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Post by primetime on Aug 16, 2011 18:42:49 GMT -5
You know, I want to thank CJ for really putting in effort on leaving feedback either way. That was a well thought out reply with lots of explanation there. Very cool. I will leave feedback for Phil as well when all is said and done.
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Post by Obi on Aug 16, 2011 19:05:03 GMT -5
That just means if I lose, then i'm going to be fucking kicking myself for a long time. Fuck. It's all in fun, friend. There is no need to kick yourself at all. I have had a great time feuding with you and it has been an absolute honor to do so regardless of who wins. We both walk away from our feud together just a little bit stronger.. and with a damn good memory. Thanks Phil.
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Post by jackbull on Aug 16, 2011 23:00:38 GMT -5
Luck going mental was awesome! This seemed like the most natural course for the character and I think it came off well.
The only problem I had with the promo really was the length, as I find promos of that size can sometimes drag and I get restless, but it's entirely probable that that's more a factor of my attention span than anything else and that others wont mind.
Other than that though, I really liked it. To me Luck was wracked by guilt over Zack and despite his protestations, still cared about him. But the overwhelming pressure of the situation has pushed Luck over the edge, unable to sleep, and that really marks this feud out.
This promo, the way that Luck has changed, it adds a lot of interest to me for the PPV. It makes this feud stand out as something beyond the ordinary, a hatred of Oblivion so ferocious that it has sent Luck over the edge. Coupled with the build up for this feud, I'll be honest, this is the match I'm looking forward to more than any other.
And with the powerful emotions and characterisation shown here, I think Luck might just be the favourite right now to win it. The character came across strongly, as did is motivations for winning.
Well done dude, this was pretty epic.
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Post by The Sky King on Aug 17, 2011 10:25:24 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback, guys. Don't worry, I will dish out my fair share after Scars and Stripes.
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CJ
Prospect
Booze Head
Posts: 295
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Post by CJ on Aug 18, 2011 13:49:31 GMT -5
Well, I won't bother trying to sell it to you or anything. If the second part was disappointing to you, then it was disappointing. Can't really change that. That just means if I lose, then i'm going to be fucking kicking myself for a long time. Fuck. Hey man, I was just trying to give you some honest feedback beyond the "It was cool." response. No need to sell me on anything at all. Like I said, I am normally a fan of your work.
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Post by The Sky King on Aug 23, 2011 16:08:17 GMT -5
Right, well, that's the Rubicon saga said and done.
I'm not except glowing reviews because this is, for all intents and purposes, a transition RP. It's only meant to set up the next Arc, and not to really overtly-impress anyone.
A few things to note:
1) Dave and Zack are being written out..temporarily. No, I'm not going to something cliched with them like them have die tragically or some shit, nor am I going to have Luck go "Oh man, I should have been there for them!" and turn into a whiny bitch of a Face. I wrote them out so that I had more time to focus on Luck as a character, and to make him even colder. A few comments came up in THAT feedback thread about how Luck is a reprehensible human being and like a human cancer..I loved those comments, but I want to make him worse. Needless to say, Dave and Zack will return...just not in the foreseeable future.
2) The next Saga will see Luck basically unravel at the seams. He's not going to go (or at least i'll try not to have him go down) the comedic route or wacky route of insanity as we've seen previously in the fed..I'm hoping to use the insanity to make Luck one dangerous, ruthless, cold and unstable bastard while also getting a chance to expose his backstory. Unlike Rubicon where we had flashes of madness and ruthlessness, expect this arc to be fully focused on it.
3) Mr. Luck is no more. I'm going to have the character drop the moniker of Mr. Luck and have him simply referred to as his name: Maynard Hetfield. Why? Simply because he doesn't have a gimmick that either focuses on Vegas or showcases the gambling. The Mr. Luck name is far too out of date to continue using. No point in using it anymore. Especially considering that Mr. Luck..is shit outta luck.
4) I'm going to keep relatively the same format for the next Arc. However, I felt the tables crowded piece a bit too much, so i'll save them for if I ever have a flashback.
5) If some of the writing seems..off, forgive me: I woke up ill today, and todays the best chance I had to finish it.
Anyway, i'm pleased with it for what it is. I probably fired off the shots too rapidly with Dave and Zack being written out at once, but it's because I didn't want to waste time in actual match RPs doing so, I wanted to get this new Arc instantly off the ground. However, feedback is welcome.
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Post by The Sky King on Sept 2, 2011 15:42:44 GMT -5
Wouldn't mind some feedback.
Not too sure on this one, felt a bit awkward writing it. I hope it's simply because this is both an entirely new direction for the character, and because it's the start of a new story arc (For lack of a better word) for Hetfield.
The reason I left out the "[]" before the speech to emphasize the emotion is because time was ticking to the deadline, and my laptop screen occasionally cuts out. Since I spent so long planning, editing and correcting the thing, that's why I couldn't squeeze them in.
I've made a few edits here and there. Apologies if it looks choppy. I had fun writing this, but it's going to get better as the shows progress. My plan is to make Maynard Hetfield slowly break down through both drink and through his desire simply to maim and destroy. I'm going to try and make it serious..but I won't hesitate at throwing in some black comedy. After all, Hetfield's been a complete cunt, and if I've written him right, then that means some people will enjoy seeing him getting his comeuppance.
Once again, yes, I know it's long, but it's because i'm using Word now (No more crashes gonna stop me from showing!) and it's surprising how a few pages in Word fills up a lot of the Proboards message space.
I hope I can fix that over the next few shows.Well, that's it. So..go ahead and give feedback.
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Post by The Sky King on Sept 16, 2011 8:54:18 GMT -5
Alright, I went completely different this week. I wrote for....FUN.
Remember when we did that?
Anyway, the writing this week was absolutely fun to do. It was fun experimenting with the new formula, as well as Hetfields changing attitudes to the federation around him. I actually wrote up the days of his diary entries on those actual days too, thus meaning I didn't have to bother rushing the RP.
It may seem slightly rushed or short. I didn't really want it to be an unmanageable length. Plus, I split the passages up into short paragraphs. Makes it easier to read, I think.
Will I do the same format next week? No. Will this format help my chances? Doubtful, but by God it was fucking fun to do. I got the emotions out there, and writing Hetfield has been a hoot.
Honestly? I won't listen to complaints about it being different or awkward. That was the idea. I was sick of doing the same formula and wanted to do something different. I wanted to put people somewhat in Hetfield's shoes and make people see things through his eyes.
I honestly don't expect people to enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, but if you did? A job well done, I'll say.
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Post by The Cobra Viper on Sept 16, 2011 9:29:37 GMT -5
I've just browsed it at the moment due to my current project but it is something i'm going to read and leave feedback on. so Just give me time but from what i can see it seems like it'll be fun to read
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